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Last week my husband had a work event and I went with him. Something mildly distressing happened involving some people he works with; it was nothing major, but it was upsetting enough that I wanted to write about it. So I wrote a post. But even as I wrote it, I knew he wouldn’t be happy with it. And after some discussion I decided that I couldn’t publish it. But that got me thinking: where is the line? What is ok to publish and what isn’t? And how do you know?
This certainly isn’t the first time I’ve thought about this issue. From something as simple as: “will people be ok if I write about them or post a picture with them in it?” To, “parenting makes me think about my parents, but can I really write about them?” And even just writing about potentially controversial subjects: “do I really want to go there? What if I involuntarily offend someone I know and like?” (Because, you know, I don’t really care about offending people I don’t like…) I don’t mind posting about my own deep, dark moments (watch for tomorrow’s post, for example), but when it involves other people things get touchy.
It seems like some of my favorite bloggers are so great because they’ll blog about anything. But they probably have boundaries, too. As one mom blogger said on Babble, “don’t write anything about anyone on your blog that you wouldn’t say to their face in a crowded room.” That seems like a good way to think about this whole line-drawing thing.
So what do you think, blogosphere? Are some things just off limits? And if so, what? How do you decide?
This was great. I just posted a similar blog about this fine line that we seem to have to draw but how it’s different for each of us. Thanks for putting it out there and I thin that Babble advice was a good one but I also think that deep in your gut you know!
Left a comment on your blog – great post!
Thanks much and I responded to your comment on my blog. I’m not sure how this whole commenting and answering goes but I like to answer everyone and of course thank them for the read.
I’ve thought a lot about that, too, Sara. I don’t blog, but write essays I hope find public homes. After talking w/both print & blog writers/editors, I began forming this boundary: respect them in print as you would in person. I don’t require meeting the “saying it to them in person” condition, but this is similar. Some stories have left my girls and niece initially miffed, but when they step back a moment, they see the bigger picture and the fact I haven’t maligned or humiliated them. If I’m guilty of anything, they say I include them too often. That to me translates to loving them too much. I can live w/that
Husbands are a different animal (aren’t they always)? Don’t know if it’s the Y chromosome, exterior plumbing or what. Unless his part underscores superman abilities and empathy, I’ve found it better to keep him in background or focus clearly on an incident wherein he did help or solely save the day. Unless you know it’s not likely he’ll read or hear about the story. Otherwise, while I’m not sure about much, I’m pretty sure they’re the reason the fiction genre was invented. ☺
✌,
Jan
So true. Right now I’m just thinking about how what I write will affect other people. But soon I’ll have to think about how Adeline feels about it. Other mom bloggers have told me that children as young as three have an opinion about what their moms write. Kids are so smart!
Also, I should clarify that the incident wasn’t something between David and I – it was something that happened with people he worked with so he didn’t want me to write about them. Which I can understand. I think he’s better than most men about recognizing his own weaknesses and owning up to them. One of the many reasons that I love him
I can completely relate to your anxiety on this issue. This is the main reason why I drifted away from a career in photography. The idea of getting my subjects to sign release forms ruined the magic of the moments of strangers I wanted to capture freely. I struggle with the “What will they think?” question despite the fact that everyone I know thinks I always just speak my mind no matter what (not true). My favorite genre to read and write is memoir and these issues are paramount in that sphere. Even now that I am trying my hand at fiction for the NaNoWriMo challenge, I am often worried about drawing inspiration from my life too much lest people think the protagonist is me and I am using her to vent my own darkest desires. Deep stuff. No answers just more ????’s
What many professional photographers do is wait to get a release form signed until after they get the candid shot. Let them know you’re a professional/hobbist/career/artist photographer and talk to them about the content of your piece and aim of your photography. Sometimes it’s difficult to put aside that fear or feel you’re losing the magic for yourself, but the resulting photography is often worth it and touches people.
In the world of memoir, many people fictionalize the names of people they can get away with or that aren’t historically relevant to avoid this issue, but it still comes up. A lot of those people make a decision to simply show the world the way they see it. Libel suits happen, though, and I’m sure friendships come into question if things get published that the other people mentioned don’t like.
As for your nano, I say write about whatever. Don’t worry about what other people will think about the protagonist being you – I don’t think a lot of people think that about writers anyway. And so what if they do? If it brings you quality writing, it doesn’t matter. Go for the finished product being awesome any way you have to.
I’ve had that concern with my fiction writing as well. But I think you just have to go with it.
Good luck with NaNoWriMo! I wanted to do it but decided I was just too busy this year (read: I was too scared).
I think it also depends on your goals. I’m a professional writer so I want and need a strong, clear voice — aka my “brand” (hate the concept but it’s necessary to think this way) — and not be all nice-y nice because I’m scared to hurt someone. That said, if I ever want to blog about my husband I show him the post first and give him edit/veto power; we’re both well-known in our industries so why make his life hell for a blog post?
I’m aware that some of my blogreaders are friends or colleagues, (two of whom I blogged about this week, but obliquely enough they knew it was them but no one else would) and also pull my punches in this respect. If I need to make a point about crummy behavior, I can find a link or someone I don’t know to focus on instead.
But my unvarnished blogging voice, (i.e. being strong in my opinions and how I voice them) recently won me a fantastic print opportunity, so go figure…
Great advice that I also try to live and write by.
My idea is that if I wouldn’t mind my mom or my boss seeing it, I don’t have a problem with it. That narrows a lot of things down.
I recently went through the same decision process. Some crazy stuff was happening at work, and even though my blog is anonymous and I don’t give specific details, I decided it wasn’t worth it. Besides, there’s plenty of other crazy stuff in life to talk about.
Oh wow, does this topic hold a revered spot in my blogging heart…
I blog about my crazy post-divorce life. I waited many years to begin my blog, for fear of being disrespectful … but as things got crazier and crazier, I knew I needed to write about it (my marriage, after all, ended with a brick — a literal brick — which is just something that needs to be shared!). I met so many people who had similarly crazy situations, and sharing is such a fundamental part of healing. I wanted to give a voice to people who go through unbelievable break-ups, creating a community of support.
Then my ex sued me to stop my blog.
Now mind you, I do not use his name. I do not use his new wife’s name (who has done bizarre things like leaving five different comments on my blog under five identities WHILE suing me to stop the blog). But my blog is the truth, and there are no exaggerations inherent to the actions of these people. My writing is full of self-depricating hyperbole, but the events as depicted are real and truthful.
So the ultimate question: Will the kids read it? My kids are pre-teen, and we have very good parent controls. I know their school does, too, and every home they visit is a home I trust. But the long and short is: Nothing on the blog is untrue. Do I want them to read it now? Probably not — but will they eventually know the entire story, especially because of what my ex and his wife tell them? Yeah, probably. And I want them to see that I was strong, trying to make something positive out of something horrible. I’ve built a great community, I’ve had fun discoveries along the way (TIME Magazine once linked to my blog, and Diet Coke recently made me a target of a viral campaign). So the blog itself is fun and I hope inspiring, and I want it to be a place of healing, community and shared experience.
Man, that’s a long response — sorry, like I said, this is near and dear to me.
Thanks for opening up the subject. It’s a valuable one, to be sure…
Mikalee
I think about this all the time. There are moments when I am writing a blog post and I think “OH Man, crossing lines here.” Even with my own dark moments. I have actually had people walk up to me and say that I’ve crossed a line with my blog.
I have found the best thing to do when other people come into play is to keep it as anonymous as possible. There is times when that’s just not going to happen (like when you write about parents, people are gonna know it’s your parents). And obviously if you write about a certain event that happened, the person will know you are talking about them. But I don’t use names and try to keep it pretty anonymous.
As for offending people, I’m sorry, it’s my blog. No body is forcing you to read it.
But I would be lying if I said that I didn’t have my line of where I won’t write about things just because I wouldn’t want someone reading that or I wouldn’t want somewhere down the road someone finds it and possibly my opinion has changed.
This is a really good question. I recently blogged about something that got far more attention than I could have anticipated, and it received a reaction I didn’t anticipate, either (very negative – I angered some people). Because I was inside my own head when I wrote it, and because I knew I meant no real offense but was being “fun” snarky (I’m not a mean person, I just have little tolerance for certain things), I didn’t imagine anyone else would see maliciousness that wasn’t there. Oops. Note to self: if you think it’s possible – or even likely – that ONE person might be offended, multiply that number by a lot and decide whether you’re willing to risk it before hitting “publish.”
Great question!!
If it is something I know someone wouldn’t like then I try to keep it general. If a person does something I don’t like & I want to blog about it, I blog about the act not the person. Keeping it general while at the same time being specific :-p
If my motives are pure and my intent good, I will write. But I don’t post pictures of many people without consent. Interesting post, congrats on FP.
I definitely do not blog about work! That is off limits in every since. My husband also does not want to be named on my blog because he is job searching and he doesn’t want to come up doing something embarrassing on my blog in someone’s Google search of his name. He is ok with the occasional picture but that’s all.
*sense
I have a post about this very issue called “Muted No More: How Memoir Complicates Notions of Privacy.” I am blogging my way to a memoir and struggle almost daily with this.
The post raised lots of discussion among my readers and got close to 70 comments. It might interest you.
http://reinventingtheeventhorizon.wordpress.com/2011/09/15/muted-no-more%e2%80%94-how-memoir-complicates-the-notion-of-%e2%80%9cprivacy%e2%80%9d/
Kathy
Kathy, I just finished reading the posted link. Wow. What an incredibly touching post. it’s so hard when you so desperately want to share your story, recount the events of your life that have shaped you, and to be muted, as you put it. Especially to recognize and honor the most character building grey moments of life as resulting in the most learning and shaping. I think you are courageous in taking the leap in telling your story anyway. No shame. It’s your story. It belongs to you and you alone. I will be following your journey.
*Kathryn. My Apologies for spelling your name incorrectly
That’s a great piece. I’m also struggling with what I can write about my mother. She’s never asked me not to write about her, but I’m just not sure what is ok. You are so brave for putting it all out there.
I also have a dilemma regarding this matter. Like there are times when I’m really pissed off yet I couldn’t blog about it because the person I’m referring to might read what I posted and feel bad about me even if everything has turned out to be better. The thing is, it defeats the purpose of my blog which is to express what I feel
What a great post to stumble upon this morning. I am new blogger and just starting to try to find the lines. I am trying to be pretty open and transparent as I blog about our journey out of debt and since so much of that is focused on money its difficult to decide where the lines are or where they need to be. I’m still trying to find the happy medium of honest transparency in the journey and privacy in our finances.
I guess I agree with what the mom blogger said on Babble. I feel the same way with Facebook. I know there are privacy settings now, but I honestly haven’t set them up. I just make sure that I’m not saying anything that might anger someone, might single someone out negatively or badmouthing anyone.
But depending on the issue, I think some things should be kept to oneself. Even when I write about him in my blog I don’t add anything very personal about him. I may use his name, and I may say a little about him; the same with personal problems and relationship issues. I just don’t feel I should be sharing them publicly regardless of how little readers I may have.
Great post though. It was a good read.
I’ve often thought about the same thing when i’m thinking about posting pictures online with people in them. I always wonder if they’ll be okay with me posting their faces on the web, so i try to ask for permission first cause usually when i don’t ask them and they go and see it somewhere they want it down. Interesting post you have here.
http://embraceyoumag.com
Funny you mention this! A few months ago I started blogging about my life in a very uncensored way. I don’t like keeping secrets, so why should my blog be any different. Turns out I blogged about a very emotionally abusive relationship I was in and about my ex boyfriend. Never once did I mention his name or even care to mention the name of his new girlfriend who happens to be an ex-friend of mine. Well, she took it uppon herself to write about me in her blog and how nasty I am for writing about her…all lies! Anyway, goes to show that you will never please everyone. I write for me and to see if I can help others out there with my similar experiences. If you want to read flufll pieces, there are plenplenty of blogs out there with that. I try to write with and for substance and as one person commented here…it is after a personal blog!
I think it’s very brave of you to write about things that can be difficult to people to read. Brava! As for the nasty things other people write about you, you just have to trust that the people who are reading can decipher truth from fiction.
It’s funny that you wrote this because I have been contemplating a blog about a particular topic and I know several people who feel very differently about it. I’ve been going over the wording in my head because, as your friend pointed out, I wouldn’t want to word things in such a way that I would offend them. Would I express these views this way to their face? is an important question I keep in mind. I know this is a topic I can write about effectively, from our family’s experience without devaluing how someone else’s family chooses to handle it…I just have to find the right way to express it. It’s kind of like finding your way through a maze sometimes. I know I’ll get there eventually but I might have to write, let it sit, come back to it, change some wording, let it mull, lots of starts and stops etc until I have it just right. It needs to be approached from the positive perspective of sharing and not as a criticism of anyone else’s choices.
I also think sometimes it is possible to share on topics in general without giving unnecessary detail. Maybe a topic is close to your heart and you need a way to express some of those thoughts but that can be done without the minutia that will hurt others, if included. The topic can be broached in a larger perspective kind of way. I’ve kind of wanted to write a blog about forgiveness, but the details of my or my husband’s previous marriages certainly don’t need to be splashed about the electronic world. I can talk about that topic, using lessons we’ve learned from things we’ve been through without discussing the nitty gritty. Some things are just too much information and not necessary for making your point. This is going to sound really cheesy, but I have a “Classy not Trashy” rule! If it would sound great in the tabloids or on daytime talk shows, it probably doesn’t need to be included in my blog.
I believe you can blog about anything you want, but I keep to rule of not dogging people with profanity. If I have an opinion, I state it without pontificating. So blog away, just do it tactfully.
http://valentinedefrancis.blogspot.com/
My limits lie mostly with what I want other people to know about me. I consider my blog to be part of my “online branding” … don’t laugh, it’s a business term that works for me. And I don’t want to come across online as a person I wouldn’t want to be friends with in real life.
I’ve been on enough forums where people are snarked into tears to realize that’s not what I want for myself (either attracting snark in the comments) nor do I want to do that to other people. So my basic question is always “how negative am I being?” That applies to myself AND to situations I write about. I suppose it’s a selfish way to look at things, but it works. I feel like, if I turn too negative, I’ll just turn my readers off. Not that I’m always happy and positive. I just recently wrote about my grandmother’s death, and I will soon write a post about the loss of my cat. But that’s different, because I write them either nostalgically or poetically or otherwise in a way that I hope connects with others.
I often start negative posts, but as soon as I hear that little voice in my head that says, “gosh you’re being whiney!” or I hear a comment that basically tells me to get over myself, that’s where I’ll leave the post languish in the drafts file. If, after some time goes by, I still feel the post is too negative, then I’ll trash it.
You don’t. Blogs are meant to be shared. Why not talk about it, and may be find people with similar experiences. It makes it much more fun. So i suggest, blog away.
I think you have to know yourself and the consequences you are willing to live with. I don’t believe in censorship, but I do know my own limits (there are not many! lol) Out of respect, if my mother or husband says: “Do NOT blog about this” – then, I don’t blog about it. I don’t post anything negative about people I know (well), work or anyone I work with – it’s not worth it (to me) to potentially lose a job I love over something like a blog post. I can just journal about that stuff. Someone else might not care what happens at work anymore – a nasty work-related or coworker-related blog post in that case might be intentionally incendiary, designed to cause commotion and stir the pot. As long as you are OK with the possibility of being fired, then post away. I have former students who could read my blog – so I don’t post anything X-rated – although NR-17 shows up regularly. Aside from that, I am pretty free and easy with what I write, and I like it that way.
I have dealt with the same questions. I usef to run to my blogs and spill all the details. But as I have grown, I know some things should not be blogged about. I do blog about things, but I don’t go into details. We have lines.
Great post.
I’ve had a post come back to haunt me, someone read it then called my husband to talk or laugh at it. I can’t remember what it was now. I generally focus on food and events surrounding food so there are not many occasions to step on toes. I blog about my blunders too, so it’s just self inflicted stuff. If my blog was more open to all of life’s subjects, I would need a crowded room more often!
I will write/blog about almost anything. Also, I will say almost anything to anyone, anywhere. My husband and daughter have bothe asked that I not blog about a certain event or not included them. the latest request waqs that I not blog and post pics of my husband painting the trim on the high part of the house from the roof. Very dangerous for sure and he did not want people to think he was careless as a rule. So that post did not get on my blog. I do find that people read everyday, especially if I am posting about my life in general. It is like they love to read someone’s diary, and if I blog about my everyday life, that is what they get. A peek into my real life, just as it is with no pretenses. Which is how I am in person or on paper. As long as I do not tag my daughter she is okay with my blogs and has to read them all. And I agree that our gut tells us if a blog is questionable. I have not written about several subjects that I have strong, solid opinions about precisely b/c I do not want to lose readers to misunderstanding or closed minds.
What a great post! Great choice for FP. A good help for writers that are more inhibited than me. Go ahead, write that post about your crazy trip to the supermarket. People love that stuff. It lets them know that everyone has bad luck, challenges or issues with the simple stuff. And it makes you more relatable as a writer, b/c they can see you are just like them. Keep up the great blogging and thanks!
I’m glad to know that others have this same question. Lately, I’ve been going through the longest writing dry spell of my life because I’ve gotten to a point where the topics that I’d like to speak on are too personally revealing, and yet, those are the present issues in my life. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and OCD, and so generally, my writing will touch on these issues. Even if I leave out the particulars, it’s still dark, and confessional, and very personal. A handful of people have told me that my writing really helps them, and that they can relate to it, but it takes a lot out of me to be so candid, especially on the internet where strangers can read (and people who are familiar–some of my family reads my blog, and I generally wish they’d stay far away from it.) Anyway, all of that is to say, thanks for posting. Congrats on being freshly pressed!
My blog deals with those topics as well and one thing I find out is that you have to be very aware and accepting of your condition before anyone else is. My family was very against me for writing about depression and suicide, but you know what…it has helped people and has made me realize “I am not my illness.” Just be you and write what comes from the heart…all else will fall into place and the people who love and accept you wouldn ot want it any other way. After I did that, my family totally suports me and sees how writing and helping others has indeed helped me get through my dark phases.
I think this is a struggle every blogger faces at some point or other in the blog-writing process. I am writing anonymously so that line is less of an issue for me, but all the same, I have worried about crossing it. One problem with writing anonymously is that it’s puts a wall between you and the people you talk about – making you more likely to be petty and snarky. One afternoon, after a particularly long-feeling class I sat down to blog. the product was essentially a rant that bashed one annoying peer of mine – right down to his smug smile. Just writing it made me feel less annoyed, but when I read back through it, I realized that I would never say those things to anyone in person. I don’t want a mask to allow me to be mean, so I stepped away from the computer to think, deleted the post, and wrote a more mild-mannered post about how I had had a long day.
My main rule to not crossing the line: Never write when you’re consumed by a strong negative emotion. Aways take some time to think and rationalize. I don’t ever want to post an opinion/ idea that I wouldn’t stand up for in public. And of course, follow the old elementary school adage: “If you can’t say anything nice, it’s better to say nothing at all.”
I think it lies in this: if you wouldn’t feel comfortable saying it in-person (and if it relates to a person in specifically, saying it to their face) then don’t say it publicly on your blog in the guise of feeling “safe”. I blog about some things some people think are controversial – triggering material, sex, witchcraft, pretty much anything. My personal boundaries lie in that I won’t talk poorly of other people in my blog. It’s a place for my exploration of my life – and I won’t “name and shame”. When you have a big audience, you have power – whether you realize it or not. Using that power to disgrace another person is a line I don’t cross. But, other people would think I am reckless for knowing I have a diverse audience and writing stuff that might be considered offensive. So, it all depends where you’re comfortable.
Great question! My family and friends now say, “Is this going to end up in a blog?” It’s easy to have the mindset that no one really reads your blog. However, eventually you have teachers, neighbors, young family members, your spouse’s work associates, etc. visiting. You hope that everyone can keep their sense of humor about it. I never loose that pit in my stomach when I hit the Publish button. My fear is that Blog Karma will eventually get me and my mom will start a blog about my childhood or my daughter will blog about me wearing Depends in my elder years. In the meantime, the hobby of blogging is a lot cheaper than scrapbooking or shopping!
Never blog in anger. You let loose too much that way because all you are thinking about is vengence. Let an entry sit overnight and see how you feel in the morning.
I almost added the letting it sit part to my comment. One of the first blogs I ever read here said you should save everything as a draft first and read it a couple of times before publishing it.
So appropriate because the original post that I decided not to publish was definitely written in anger. The good thing is that the act of writing it helped me feel better. But luckily I didn’t press publish right away!
I think it all depends on what you’re comfortable with. I go into any opinionated or “personal” blog posts with the mindset of: “These are feelings. It’s not the overall feeling just how they feel right now” and understand that feelings are fleeting. However, if you know that there are people you are writing about that will see it, I would consider their feelings before posting and perhaps lean on euphemisms to skirt around possibly hurtful things rather than completely omit it.
Nice post
It’s funny that you bring this up… I too have gone to the dark side with some of my writing only to delete the post afterwards for fear of offending people. It’s a tough thing to decide and it is ultimately up to you.
Why shouldn’t we write about things we feel strongly about even if they do offend others. You can’t please everyone all the time…
I often struggle with saying things about religion or politics… very touchy subjects and I know there are people in my own family who would disagree with my ideas, should I not write about them then?
I say, it’s your blog and yes, if you wouldn’t say something to someone’s face then don’t write it but don’t compromise your own feelings.
I find that when you do speak up you get more of a response anyway and it opens the door for conversation on topics that otherwise are closed off.
Since my blog is borderline professional, my rule of thumb is “make it somehow positive or shut up.” The only time this rule is broken is when my husband is poking fun at me, which is ok because it’s me and it’s in fun.
Good post and thought provoking! I don’t often write about others but if I did there are two words of wisdom I would go by.
Love your neighbor as yourself. Galatians 5:14
“Would I feel loved if someone were to say this about me?”
And…And above all things have fervent love among yourselves: for love shall cover a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
“Would love expose this sort of thing about someone?”
Now I understand why many writers say, “You may not publish this until 50 years after my death.
But then I’d miss all the feedback, curses, and compliments for telling the truth.
Ronnie
Great post. I have been struggling with finding my true voice in my new blogging adventure because the things that I’m most passionate about and the lessons I have learned and am learning are from experiences I have actually been through, or been witness to of loved ones near and dear. Our experiences shape who we are and are always the stories we tell, whether “fiction” or otherwise, as I have yet to read a fictional story yet that wasn’t based on realistic relationships. But that’s just it…stories are seldom about solitude, and even if they are, the question remains: What is the reason for solitude, does not even solitude stems from a relational past?
I’ve thought long and hard about this, and the conclusion I have reached is this: When I write about stories that involve others, or are inspired by others, I keep the person as anonymous as possible, and still maintain the “lesson”, if you will, of the experience. What it teaches me. What I have found is that only the person (people) who identifies with the experience will believe it is a story about them. Other people can only make inferences as to who it may be about.
But how many times have I read a story and been left feeling like it was written JUST for me?! As far as I’m concerned, if a person thinks I’ve written about them, they’ve identified with my story. Will I ever say who that subject of the story is? It’s all in my head…and it’s all in yours. Draw what conclusion you like.
I will be writing on this subject in the next week sometime, I thank you for opening up the door, it’s so nice to hear others perspectives, and to once again confirm that, I’M PRETTY SURE YOU WROTE THIS STORY ABOUT ME
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
I always have a hard time with that, too. My blog mostly chronicles my transition from a life of addiction to one of sobriety… and all the stuff that includes… a lot of times I get most concerned about posting negative thoughts about church… I mean, I make myself do it anyway but I get super concerned that I’m going to offend folks…
I don’t know what the line is… I probably cross it…
Loved this post! It came at the perfect time for me. Just this morning I got some “hate mail” from a reader that told me I had offended her. I couldn’t believe it, especially because like you, I always try to be aware of how something I’m writing might indirectly hurt someone elses feelings. However, my new take on this topic is that you’re always going to offend someone. I purposely started a blog that is supposed to be humorous, and I actively try not to get too deep for the exact purpose of not offending anyone. However, even consciously trying, I still managed to offend SOMEONE!! So, go figure. Chalk it up to the fact that sometimes people are oversensitive, and no one is forcing them to read your posts.
Bingo!
You’ve gotten quite a response to this post so clearly it resonates with a lot of us in the blogosphere. I recently got called on the carpet by my husband for a post; however, I detailed every moment of our European trip – he and the children figured prominently. I had crossed the line, it would seem, by one inch too many. I have to admit, I got defensive when he asked me not to include references to him in my blog. After all, the blog is about me, my life, my writing, and my aspirations – he plays a huge role in all of it. If I cut him out, I believe it leaves a large hole. I’m pretty careful about omitting personal details, names, etc. but now I’m left with the choice of “should I or shouldn’t I?” I love him but it feels like censorship somehow…
Great post – congrats on the Freshly Pressed…
I think this is a great issue to think about! I’ve been thinking about this same thing recently wondering how much I should say about other people involved in my life. Like you said, I’ll share anything about myself but I don’t want to have others be upset with what I’m writing if I include them! Thanks fro the post and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Very interesting. As a newbie blogger, I have encountered the same dilemma. I have spent hours writing blogs only to delete them without publishing during the editing process. They were too deep personally, too revealing, or was just written at the wrong time, emotionally. I have learned to wait at least 24 hours after the even I am blogging about, before I publish it.
I also have have another blog where I write anonymously. This blog is primarily for topics that are edgy.
Very interesting. As a newbie blogger, I have encountered the same dilemma. I have spent hours writing blogs only to delete them without publishing during the editing process. They were too deep personally, too revealing, or was just written at the wrong time, emotionally. I have learned to wait at least 24 hours after the even I am blogging about, before I publish it.
I also have have another blog where I write anonymously. This blog is primarily for topics that are edgy.
I´ve just started blogging and was thinking about this same subject (when you´re page came out at wordpress login page). Even if I don´t write about personal matters, I often think twice after a bad culinary experience, because sometimes it´s just a cloudy day for the waiter (or even myself!). Anyway, the very thought about these issues shows how much we care about what we´re doing and how much it affects everyone around us, right?
Congratulations on the post!
My three quick rules..
1. If what you wrote could be harmful to someone else, draw the line! Even if you meant every word, it will end up being something you wish you hadn’t posted.
2. If it’s outside the genre of what you normally post, you should probably draw the line. There are exceptions, but you’re also allowed more than one blog.
3. If you were drinking when you wrote it, draw the line! You know, unless your blog is the incredibly cool My Drunk Kitchen or something like that.
My Drunk Kitchen is hilarious!
I’m An Old Woman (76) in Sweden. Can You – with a smile – accept if I say “I Love You” 2 You.
You should write for yourself first and foremost. Once you start worrying about what others think it stops being original. I’d say post it.
I think it’s a personal decision that’s personality based. Some people are natural emotional exhibitionists and some are more reserved. It also depends on the blog’s purpose- is it focused on connecting with others through shared experiences? In that case, getting personal would be a good idea. If it’s a cooking blog, then maybe less so
With all the stories/rumors about people losing jobs because of Facebook, the going motto is don’t post on it unless you want it on the front page of the New YOrk Times (or other paper). My wife was upset about some jokes I posted there getting misconstrued. So when I started blogging, I did it completely anonymously. It’s probably not hard to figure out who I am, but in my warped mind it works. I also put disclaimers on my site and warn people that they probably will get offended at some point or another. I still don’t post anything related to my work industry. Besides, it would look pretty silly on a food/wine blog.
Lately I’ve been self-censoring in attempt to be more “vanilla” in the hopes of getting Freshly Pressed. It doesn’t look like anything that can be borderline offensive or with bad language gets FP’d. If anyone can tell me I’m wrong, let me know – it’s really hard for me not to cuss….
http://www.foodandwinehedonist.com
In some ways, I have the exact opposite problem. I don’t want people I know to read what I write because sometimes I post serious struggles on my (personal) blog that I don’t want others to know what I go through. True, sometimes, I use my blog for venting, and that actually really helps me to get things out and feel better. However, most of people I vent about either a) won’t believe that they can actually cause a vent or b) would come up with some excuse about why their behavior was acceptable, if they ever read it. (Which they probably won’t.)
Its why I write fiction. “Show the truth, tell no facts.”
Dr. Tom Bibey, author, “The Mandolin Case”
I think the line depends on how you write it and if you speak about situations or people indirectly or not. But, personally, I think you should keep blogging topics at a distance to personal topics.
Great post, I have too been through this in my head at times!
Thanks for posting this. I think about it often. I am a private person. It took me 5 years to commit to blogging, worrying that every detail that I revealed. Having my daughter, staying at home, and the forced introspection that kind of situation can put you in, is why I finally jumped in. I haven’t been at it long but I working at the balance with each post. Most of my blog is about cooking and food, so personal details aren’t required, but I find that the more that I open up, the better the writing and the better the response. Food for thought?
I’ve wrestled with the same question. I’d love to blog about how Alzheimer’s is gradually robbing me of my mother and caring for her is wearing my father to the bone but since they’re private people and Dad reads my blog, I don’t. When I mention other people in my blog, my policy is to use first names only and so far, no one has had a problem with that. In addition to wanting to be careful about what I say about others, I sometimes wonder how much of myself and my inner thoughts I want to put out there for the whole world to see. I went a little further than usual with a recent post (http://edebock.wordpress.com/2011/10/29/what-influences-your-sense-of-self-worth-2/) and the response was very positive.
Wow! Being Freshly Pressed is a-maz-ing! Thank you so much to everyone for all of the witty, insightful and, most importantly, helpful comments
I’ll try to respond individually to as many as I can, but I’m feeling overwhelmed with blogging love right now!
Feel it! Soak it up!!
Great post! I’m relatively new to blogging and just posted my first WP blog today actually! I was on another blogging site for the last several months before I found WP and can’t tell you how many times I started a draft and ended up deleting it. It depends on the purpose of your blog. For me, it’s mostly business and, therefore, I keep everything as professional as possible. My wife, however, has a smaller filter than I. haha!
I’ve struggled with this too. I wrote a funny post about my underwear graveyard, then agonized if I should be writing about mine, or anyone else’s underwear. I write a lot of satire, and have found there’s a fine line between poking fun in a satirical way, and sounding mean-spirited. I’ve trashed posts I’ve written about funny experiences with people of certain ethnic groups. I wrote them as good humor, but was afraid that persons of that ethnic group would be offended. Lately, my guide has been “would I want my boss (or a potential employer) to read this?”
Great topic, sure to provoke a lot of comments. Hope you are ready for them. And congrats on being Freshly Pressed.
This is interesting especially given the storm in a teacup over this on the British twittersphere this morning:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2056875/Liz-Jones-baby-craving-drove-steal-husbands-sperm-ultimate-deception.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
What do you reckon? Would you post about this? The woman is quite clearly mental (there is previous documentary evidence to suggest that) but did she go too far and reveal too much about her private life.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/nov/03/liz-jones-confessional-journalism?INTCMP=SRCH
Curious about what you think.
I wrote a post about 10 reasons The Bachelor/ette TV series makes me love my husband even more, but he was put off about some things that I quoting him saying the blog (not that they weren’t 100% true). I think it really depends on the person. I don’t mind my antics being made public, but my husband is more of a private person.
You make a very good point. It is hard, but filtering what you write about is key. Even though this is your blog, you have to think about the potential audience that will read it. This was such a great post, thanks for sharing!
Being shameless I often put my foot in my mouth. I tend to forget that people actually read my blog. That it’s not just my cathartic outlet. But I think my writing suffers when I self edit. I agree with the idea of not saying anything you wouldn’t say to a persons face.
Blog as sympathetic friend?
I think about this a lot. The whole social networking thing can leave us on really dodgy ground, don’t you think? All this opening up to each other and sharing – the phrase ‘too much information’ really can apply.
Self-censorship is a survival mechanism that seems to go out of the window when we think and type under the safety umbrella of blogging. We will sometimes type, with great style and lots of thought, about whatever is on our minds – which can be fine, until the point when we press ‘Publish’ when it can be not so fine.
I’ve blogged a couple of items and then removed them (once after a day, once after 5 minutes). Mostly I’ll type it and bin it. They’re usually about something that’s my problem to work out and not someone else’s, and typing it out helps. Gossip is OK when you can see folk face to face and you know each other well – otherwise, unfortunately, it can be taken out of context and anything could be read into it.
A friend who inspired me to start blogging said he only shares what he would be comfortable sharing with a stranger at a bus stop. I do sometimes think he must draw quite a crowd at a bus stop!
I started just posting pictures with minimal comments then realized this was an avenue for ME to write and remember things; and if anyone wants to read and comment then that’s great but ultimately it is my space to waffle; and I can waffle!
It’s still early days for me so I think I still need to creep further towards the edge before saying ‘too much’ but certainly agree with previous comments that the more open I am the easier the words come.
I change the names to protect the guilty…
I think that blogging should make people happy, and if it doesn’t then don’t do it.
Thus my “rules” are more courtesy and less about legality or any other kind of morality.
For example, if you are at a public place, you can expect to be photographed. However, if you have a bad hair day do you want your friends posting and tagging bad photos of you?
1. Everyone should be contacted before their photos are put online and especially before they are contacted.
2. You can talk about ppl w/o their permission if and only if you use a different name for them and nobody could figure out who you are talking about.
3. If someone gets hurt they will read it don’t post it.
4. If someone gets hurt if ppl learn something secret about them, don’t post it.
oh well… that is really something worth to think over. i may not be able to relate to that since my articles are about travel & food but somehow, i can relate to how my company, where i am working, is managing what we said about the company itself.. like, they are spying on all their employees on the networking sites to find loopholes on what we post or write about… of which is kinda irritating on my part, being a writer, of course. but as for you, just a piece of advise though, try writing about it like you are not related to the people you are talking about.. at least, it is a safe play…
http://travellersdiningdepot.wordpress.com/
I just started my blog at the beginning of October and made a vow to myself that I would not expose my family in a way that would upset them. If I am not certain, I ask them. I posted a “Happy Birthday” to my brother but didn’t say how old he is. That just wouldn’t be nice! I don’t gripe about my husband or kids because that wouldn’t be nice either. There are so many great things to complain about I haven’t had to cross the family line just to have something to put in my blog. As cliche as it sounds, I guess it is all about the golden rule. That and I want my husband and kids to still talk to me!!!
I think that’s a great question we all look at. Thanks for describing the dilemma so well! I agree with a lot of the advice on here. But really, I think, just be honest with your voice. If you follow that, it might get you in trouble, but it will also lead you out.
I am fully behind what your mentor said about “telling them in a crowded room.” I completely agree with that statement.
I would also say, though, that blogging on any website, even wordpress, allows us the time and ability to reflect so that we can articulate better what we intend to say. It allows us the ability to say the same thing without sounding childish, immature, or just plain angry. We have the chance to say what we need to say in a more thought-out and articulated way, which makes us sound more professional and more intelligent.
Nice post. I have had the same questions pop up a few times for me, even had to remove a few posts or write an apology/explanation post a couple of times. My problem is that I believe in pure honesty and not censoring myself, which is fine for me, but others do take issue with me being too open, too personal. I have had friends fight with me over what I wrote, some have stopped reading my blog altogether. Although I don’t posts pictures of anyone, I don’t name anyone, I try to keep others out of it, I feel that my blog is the one place where I can be me and not worry about what others think. I have come to decide that I need to stick to my lines but not anyone else’s, no one can dictate what I write. I am glad you wrote this post because I think it is something all bloggers have to deal with at some point.
I think there are some boundries about what you can say online. Some things are quite personal and they aren’t suitable to be gossiped about, especially for the whole world to see. However, I think you have to ask yourself the question, is the person I have just talked about/ the thing I have just talked about going to be seen by anyone who be offended by it? If not then I think it’s okay to blog about it because some bloggers can be quite funny when they decide to talk about little disasters that have happened to other people. If they are going to see it then don’t blog about it.. Simple!
When I blog I write for myself and anyone that finds it interesting enough will stay as an audience but I’m not ever looking to have one. I say write whatever is on your mind because in truth if people come for the gossip or to be negative about what is written than maybe they shouldn’t visit that blog at all. It’s about what attracts you to that blog and I really don’t think it has anything to do with what that person writes because you invite yourself there right? Sure writing about someone other than yourself can be offensive but I think the blogger needs to be ready for the consequences of what they say in case the person they speak of is actually reading it. I say when blogging only write about yourself and only write about others if it’s in good taste or in a positive manner otherwise if they really need to get some anger off their chest than don’t use names and make it very hard to identify with whom they speak of.
Awesome point! I think about this too. My husband once told me that nowadays we don’t understand the difference between privacy and secrecy. It’s true, and this applies to relationships as well as blogs. It’s not good to keep secrets, but some things are private and should not be revealed to any old joe. It’s actually respectful to use discretion when posting. Good job not posting that blog your husband didn’t like – that shows you have your priorities straight.
I’ve noticed that in my first few months of blogging I was very cookie-cutter and scared to voice myself but the more I let go, the better my writing became. And found a rythem and style by being honest.
I write for fun, not professionally and I learned to never talk badly about people that read your blog because you can never take it back, it’s more permanent.
And also it depends a lot about what kind of readers you’re looking to attract and the reason why your blog exists.
If it exists as an online journal than I say screw it, go wild. But you should always ask permission when it’s someone elses story just to cover your hide.
I’m on break on my iPhone, gotta get back to work.
I struggle with this too. I blog a lot about my infertility, and I always worry that I’m getting too personal, that I shouldn’t hang my darkest struggles out there for all the world to see. Yet I feel like throwing it out to the universe is not only good for my soul, but might help someone who’s struggling with the same thing. I blog to help myself think, to encourage others to think, and to let people know they’re not alone. Sometimes, things get personal, controversial, uncomfortable. C’est la vie.
The line depends on your focus. I think a blogger that is unwilling to share some of his or her own personal experiences with whatever he or she is blogging about lacks credibility. For example, if you are writing about parenting, it only makes logical sense to point out what you perceive as the right and wrong doings of how your own parents raise you. It makes the articles more personal and heartfelt – in a good way. If you are afraid your mom or dad will be upset over the content of the article, be it truthful as it may, then you have to make the decision whether to write it at all or not. To take the safe route and only speak positively, thereby leaving out vital information and argumentative points, will seep your blog of its own credibility and trustworthiness with your readers.
Such a great, thought-provoking question. I never really considered giving myself boundaries, not that I was ever opposed, but I simply have not thought about it. I always figured, “my blog, my rambling unfiltered thoughts.” I write a lot about my life which of course includes other people and also pretty controversial topics such as natural birth, etc. However, I may consider boundaries now. Thanks for writing and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
I’m always reassessing these boundaries of what to keep private and what to share. To balance it out, I keep a private blog for other posts that I don’t necessarily want to throw out to the general public. It’s a tough balance, and I’m learning to touch base with my husband as to how he feels about blogging (since he is much more private than I am). I think once the kids are a little older, I feel that I would want to respect their privacy as well rather than make details of their everyday life excessively public. Ultimately, it goes back to your primary purpose of blogging. If you’d like to be completely honest without the risk of hurting others, you could always write anonymously. I do know of a few blogs set up that way.
What wonderful timing you have! I just had this issue, offending someone in my household… lucky me. But it also came out that they hadn’t read the entire blog and seen the funny and hopeful parts. (Were they funny and hopeful? The verdict may still be out, but at least one person didn’t think so.) I think that sometimes you have to be brutally honest and tell it like it is so that others can relate. It’s all very well to be broad and sunshine-y, but is that really the world we live in? Congrats on the Freshly Pressed!
i’ve been thinking a lot about it for some time now. I am in a long-distance relationship and my blog entries usually contain chats that include some sweet mushy ones and other stuff that we get to talk about – sometimes I edit out some lines that I deem not necessary and should be out in public. I use people’s real first names and rarely do I change them – I only did once for a friend because I thought she might not like idea of me blogging about her but was relieved to know she doesn’t mind. She actually liked how I portrayed her in my story.
My boyfriend, a former blogger himself, doesn’t know I sometimes blog about him. But I am confident that if he ever found out, he wouldn’t find my stories that involve him offending. Same goes for others who go into my blog.
The point is, I try not to write negatively about people that’s why I’m confident about including and quoting them in my stories.
Wonderful post! I think about this question all the time. In fact, it’s what stopped me from blogging for the longest time. (What will people think of me? Could something I write cause people to feel angry or offended or hurt? Do I know enough to put my opinions out there? What topics are “safe” enough that no one could be offended but still interesting enough to write about?) It does help that I grew up in a small town, so I’m used to thinking about public versus private space, and what risks might be involved in crossing invisible lines. I also learned early on that even though people say you shouldn’t talk about controversial topics such as sex, religion, and politics in polite society, those are the very things that are worth talking and writing about. Ultimately, I just try to be honest in my writing but at the same time respectful.
what line?
Come on! Isn’t the answer simple – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It’s pretty simple, unless you don’t know what you want done to you!
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It’s very interesting that I found your post this evening, it’s something I have been thinking about myself. I posted something the other night, and someone got offended over it. My attitude is, if you get offended easily stop reading. Blogs are there to sound board your ideas, what is the point of censoring them? It means you are not really writing what’s on your mind, and as a writer I think that’s a little hypercritical. However I do thing there is a line that you should not cross, like me, If your stupid enough to blog about past date experiences, then it’s always good to change the details so people don’t know it’s them your talking about. I suppose there is some truth in ‘if you don’t have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything’ although my adaption of it would be ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, find something, or at least change the details slightly’.
Perhaps then, if you people want to write things when they’re p*** off perhaps that’s what a private diary is for, and a blog is more to entertain in a censored way…
Who knows!
Thanks for this great post, it’s certainly give me some food for thought!
C Louise Haden
I actually have two blogs. One is the “public” me that is helpful and kind, if a little quirky. The other is the “real” me, where I explore anything and everything. Most people don’t know about my second blog, which is fine with me – I write it for myself. Of course, now that I’ve put this out there, people will probably start to look for it… I think it’s important to have a place where you can be true to yourself. But that may not necessarily be in a blog.
My mom once said to me when I was a teenager, “If you think you’ll feel ‘embarassed,’ it’s probably something you shouldn’t be doing…” I think about that a lot before I press publish
I read an article that said crazy people make the best bloggers because they are interesting and don’t hold back. I definitely like to blog out emotions, but I feel like keeping names and anything too identifying off the table is for the best.
This is a great post and very thought provoking for many. I always give my husband editing and veto power as he is my partner and editor and why make him suffer? He is a good sport though and likes to laugh at himself but I would not want to embarrass him professionally or personally. The same goes for my close family and friends but all topics and everyone else is fair game. Congrats on being freshly pressed! It is well deserved.
Publish and be damned—or celebrated.
How much to ‘share’ is a question I have thought about a lot too. One thing I go back to though is some advice I read about how in order write a compelling memoir (to me much like a blog) you need to be brutally honest and willing to ‘go anywhere’. Blogging helps me to edit myself less and express more. A few of my posts have upset some people (close family included) but although my intention was, and is, never to hurt, you can never know exactly who might take offence.
Blog honest. Blog now. Blog how you feel. Someone will get it; someone won’t. Write for those that do.
I just wrote a post along a similar line – where to draw the line with what you post online! Mine was more to do with posting photos on Facebook and how it reflects back on yourself, but you made me stop and think about how often it’s not just your own personal life you share, but those of people who you maybe haven’t got permission from. Hmm… great post! I like the mantra from the Mum blogger
Lots to think about!
I agree that you shouldn’t say anything about someone you wouldn’t say to their face in front of someone. Personally, first I would ask someone if I could write about them. But if its something that is just so juicy you can’t resist I say change their name and use a disclaimer!
What a good question to ask! I think your mom had great advice, in that if you can’t say it to that person’s face than don’t write about it. I learned the hard way from when I was much younger and thought the internet was “safe”. Some how I thought that no one would find my online journal, lol. I was wrong about that and friendships went haywire afterwards. Great topic!
- Lisa @ BitchinRants.com
I have a top-secret blog that only my husband knows about where I write about anything and anyone I want – except him. It’s pretty exhilirating actually!
Be Brave!
One thing thats been hard for me to get over as a writer, is being honest with myself and writing about what I actually feel and whats happened to me, no matter how much I don’t like it. It gives the story you tell real emotion.
All writing, even fiction, is based off the real emotions, experiences, and things we know. I sometimes think about what Stephen King’s family thinks of him. The guy is so CREEPY in every way. Even if his stories aren’t true, it makes you wonder what goes on in his head for him to write certain things.
Anything can be said with tact.
Great food for thought. I haven’t written that much, but I do use restraint often in terms of who I write about. The more you write the more you think and the more things you’d like to express, but as you say, sometimes just the mention of a situation could upset somebody even if there was no negativity used. I won’t deny having given thought to an anonymous blog for venting purposes…
Having recently started a blog, I’ve found that having a narrow focus helps. My blog is just about brewing and being a dad. If something happens in my life that doesn’t fit into those two categories I don’t write about it.
Perhaps that isn’t going to work for you because you want a larger scope for your blog. But for me it is easier to answer that question when there is just a small, select amount of subjects and events that qualify for the blog.
Or, you could just use the same process for determining whether a blog post is appropriate as you do to determine if leftovers are still edible – when in doubt, throw it out.
I’ve just started my own mess… um, “blog”, today and had struggled with the same question. Then, as if fate stepped in, I found your reference on Freshly Pressed. I’d have to agree with an earlier comment from Jan, that it all comes down to respect.
For myself, I have no shame and very, very few inhibitions. What you see is what you get… mostly… with a few surprises. But when it involves another person I have to give them all the respect they deserve. OK, so there are a few who deserve none and won’t get any from me – but the vast majority are another story. Treat others as you would have them treat you – that’s always been a good rule to follow. Another is the Law of the Trine: As ye do, be it good or be it evil, shall be returned unto you threefold.
Of course there are limits. These limits depend on the person. But there are limits.
I use the rule “If you would not want your dad, mom, children to see it or know, then don’t publish it. Say it forget it, wright it, regret it. To me blogging or posting information on the web is like being outside in a public place, the noob at the party, a guest at someones house. I act accordingly. Once it is posted it is there FOREVER.
If I really need to vent about something, I can, using a little creativity to protect the innocent while still getting my point across.
For me this method get’s the job done nicely.
i think a lot of this depends on your purpose of blogging. for me, if it’s something i won’t want my future boss, friends, partner (still a college student here) or ANYONE, because the world wide web is, you know, accessible world wide, then i wouldn’t post it. stuff that’s meant for yourself should be kept to private journals.
I express opinions. I hate things that other people like. If people don’t like that, they can get their movie reviews elsewhere.
I blog under a pseudonym, even though most of my friends, family and colleagues know who the real author of my blog is. I am keeping my blog identity a secret from the larger world for as long as possible, however, because I write about education, and I’m a classroom teacher, and sometimes I want to use examples from my teaching life.
If I write about something that happens in my classroom, and one of the students from my class sees that account, he or she is likely to recognize the people involved. (No one else is likely to, which is why I am comfortable with others knowing that I’m the author.) This is not acceptable, and this is why I try to keep my blog pseudonymous. I never reveal the name of my school, and I change the names of all students and colleagues, and that way, what I write can basically be construed as fiction.
If my real identity becomes more public – that is, if a student can google my real name and find my blog – I will need to think a lot more carefully about what I write about. And even now, I write a lot less about specific interactions with students. I want to write about real life, but I don’t want to violate anyone’s privacy. It’s a tricky balance.
Your post really is something that I think most bloggers think about fairly regularly. If I could be sure that my parents, parents-in-law and other acquaintances didn’t read my blog or know who was writing it, there would be so many more interesting and funny things I could write about or even bitch about. I find myself restricting my comments on certain issues on a daily basis for fear of offending someone. I have a great idea for writing my autobiography, but I have said to my husband numerous times that a few people would need to die before I could ever dream of publishing it! Great post.
KL
KL said: “….. I have a great idea for writing my autobiography, but I have said to my husband numerous times that a few people would need to die before I could ever dream of publishing it!…”
Honestly, can’t he take a hint?
(sorry, couldn’t resist
)
Seriously though, I often think about blogging and wonder just what on earth it actually is. It is so remote and detached, yet it’s equally intimate and connected. Sometimes it feels like it represents (or mirrors) a new development in human consciousness … other times it feels like we are all obsessively scribbling away on the biggest toilet wall ever invented.
I hear you on this issue, it’s something I think about a lot, and of course the negotiations with my husband occur as well. I think a good guiding principle is “do no harm” — search your own self and see if you are trying to hurt someone with a particular post, and if not, go for it. After I write a post, I often feel very vulnerable, but I figure — more honesty, more community. Making the choice to be known is really risky, but I believe it adds to life to live as open as possible in that way. Thanks for bringing this up.
If you discover the answer let me know. Until then I shall stick with current bull-in-china-shop method lol
For me it boils down to How and Why something is expressed. Is it simply a cathartic process? If so, why does it have to be public? Is it worded as an attack or statement of powerlessness: “He made me so mad,” or “it angered me,” instead of a statement of one’s boundaries, “I feel/felt upset that you swear/swore loudly in public.” Would expressing it open up an honest dialogue, enriching hearts and minds and shedding a different light on a subject? If so, say it; if someone else chooses to be offender, it is their choice as long as how you said it is an honest expression of a well thought-out opinion. But does telling the story keep that one moment (or hundred bad moments) of the dysfunctional parent or abusive ex or upsetting business meeting continually alive in the present instead of realizing it’s the past, it’s over, and “let me be the change I want to see”? Move on, I say. Step back and be an observer. Or stash it away to work into a scene in a novel. But don’t keep reliving the bad moments of your life. Those are the questions I ask myself and arguments I make. And, in the situation of Sara, we all have that inner critic that we should listen to (as she did). If it niggles at you, even a teeny bit, check in with it and heed its voice. From my experience it’s a voice not of our mental process; it’s the voice of wisdom: a spirit guide or Spirit, whatever name you might give it. But it spoke up for a reason, shining a clear light on “the line.”
I have a pretty self-deprecating sense of humour that unfortunately carries over to how I speak about my husband. Some of my posts are quite ridiculous (My Husband Is Secretly Trying To Kill Me) but they’re obviously done tongue-in-cheek so my husband doesn’t mind being the brunt of the jokes and laughs along with them. We wouldn’t be able to stay married otherwise as my speaking voice doesn’t differ much from my written voice. Of course many topics are off-limits: my job, hubby’s job and hubby’s friends and colleagues… unless I can generalize enough that you can’t tell who I’m talking about!
Oh, at that anonymous at 6:15 (For me it’s the how and why… listen to the spirit guide) was from vasilado.wordpress.com — it published my comment before I logged in…. coyotemoonwatch. Just in case there’s further dialogue
— Copied here again (not to be redundant) For me it boils down to How and Why something is expressed. Is it simply a cathartic process? If so, why does it have to be public? Is it worded as an attack or statement of powerlessness: “He made me so mad,” or “it angered me,” instead of a statement of one’s boundaries, “I feel/felt upset that you swear/swore loudly in public.” Would expressing it open up an honest dialogue, enriching hearts and minds and shedding a different light on a subject? If so, say it; if someone else chooses to be offender, it is their choice as long as how you said it is an honest expression of a well thought-out opinion. But does telling the story keep that one moment (or hundred bad moments) of the dysfunctional parent or abusive ex or upsetting business meeting continually alive in the present instead of realizing it’s the past, it’s over, and “let me be the change I want to see”? Move on, I say. Step back and be an observer. Or stash it away to work into a scene in a novel. But don’t keep reliving the bad moments of your life. Those are the questions I ask myself and arguments I make. And, in the situation of Sara, we all have that inner critic that we should listen to (as she did). If it niggles at you, even a teeny bit, check in with it and heed its voice. From my experience it’s a voice not of our mental process; it’s the voice of wisdom: a spirit guide or Spirit, whatever name you might give it. But it spoke up for a reason, shining a clear light on “the line.”
When you write and express yourself there should be no boundaries at all but if your conscience can hold your toung and your “hands” when you write about someone or the negativities of your life then it would be better. We also need to consider the emotions of our readers since they are our audience.
Sometimes the most controversial topics make the most interesting posts. I do agree though that if you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face in a crowded room, you shouldn’t be writing it for the world to see on the internet.
You raise an interesting dilemma that I think any blogger with half a brain wonders about. For me, I will blog about anything that I want that concerns my immediate bubble of people as long as I remember the Golden Rule. I won’t write about other people without either a pseudonym or permission, and when I do write, I still follow the Golden Rule. I try to ask myself: If my kids were to read this when they are adults, what picture would it paint of me in their minds? If I think that they will think less of me, I don’t do it.
its a personal choice. Period.
http://kalafels.wordpress.com/
They say “The Truth will set you free”
Actually, “Its the knowledge of the Truth that will set you free”. If your debts are paid without your knowledge, then you are still in debt conscious mode and you still have uneasy conscience
I cannot post anything that is not true to me. If something is not true to me, It is enough for other people to blog about it – but not me.
My objective is to provide knowledge of the truth, not abstract.
this is where I draw the line. between abstract and truth.
thnx
I think if you blog anonymously (aka don’t tell ANYone you even have a blog, and change everyone’s names if it makes you feel more comfortable) then there IS no line concerning what you say about yourself or others. But that’s just me!
So true. It’s so easy to just to spill everything on your mind, but that can easily be potentially damaging to yourself and others. Congrats on being freshly pressed!
howficklemyheart.wordpress.com
I just babble about whatever, assuming no one will ever find it. But I feel like I’d say everything to them. Just possibly not as clearly as I could write it. (Ha, as if I write clearly.)
Wow, this made me think! …….personally, I feel that with writing comes a certain sense of responsibility – your writing mirrors you the individual, so if your inner voice agrees, then go ahead and write it!
Congrats on getting FP..
It depends. I had an anonymous blog once and I posted EVERYTHING. Problem is that a relative used my computer for something and found it in the bookmarks. After reading it she knew all the people I was talking about. She spread it around and some people were unhappy (others were actually happy!) I hadn’t posted anything shocking, nothing really that I wouldn’t say to someones face in a direct conversation, but stuff I wouldn’t say on Christmas day either.
The other issue became why was she searching through my bookmarks on my computer when she had just asked to check something on google? Who was really in the wrong here? And why did she spread it around to people she thought may not be happy (I hadn’t mentioned her at all in the blog – this was my mother-in-law btw – so she was pretty lucky as MIL’s go to not have been mentioned!)
Now I’m not anon, and I post pretty openly, but only about people who I know can take it- Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind! We were both freshly pressed today – congrats on yours!
How timely this post is! I’ve just started blogging on WordPress so I’m pretty new to this stuff. Some great stuff happens at work which makes me feel compelled to take photos and write about them but I find myself holding back. I am based in Malaysia and sometimes my dry (some call it weird) sense of humour may not go down well with even my fellow Malaysians!!! Yes, some may not even get it and take it the wrong way.
I think I’ve somewhat adopt this principle :
“Does the blog put you or others in an unfavourable/negative light?”
If I can answer this with a “NO” wholly and unequivocally, then it’s safe.
If I mention any names or put photographs of them, I will send them the link to my blog and ask if they’re okay with it. If they aren’t, then I I amend the post or remove the photograph. Changing names is also one way to get round this.
I think bloggers do need to conform to some ethics, namely to prevent harm to others. Yes, there is freedom of speech but freedom comes with responsibility.
My rule of thumb is: Stay with the truth. If who or what you blog about can’t take the truth, maybe they should re-evaluate their situation.
2nd rule of thumb: If they prove you wrong – immediate retraction and apology. Truth may hurt but, ensuring that is what is out there keeps the standards up.
http://www.oakvillehomes.wordpress.com
Interesting post, and nice to have reasonably meaty topic on Freshly Pressed.
I’d suggest that it depends on your goals. I tend to blog about ideas & concepts rather than day-to-day experiences, though of course day-to-day experiences can spark off ideas and help develop concepts. In any event, a public blog is what it says on the tin: public. I remain conscious of that, and don’t post any content that I would unhappy to be associated with if it were broadcast through a loudspeaker from the roof! You don’t need to share private information to think about and discuss interesting topics.
If you want private thoughts to remain private or shared among a small circle of friends, there are plenty of WordPress settings to permit that. Otherwise, remembering that you’re effectively broadcasting your words to anyone with an internet connection is wise!
Ahhh Everyone’s dilemma. I had many draft that are left dusted because of hesitation of crossing the “line”. Recently though, I’ve been posting with pictures of others. After those worry-free, confident posts, my blog suddenly blooms.
I would agree, at times there is a fine line between saying too much and wanting to write and accurate depiction of whatever we want to talk about. I’ve decided that my relationships with people are more important than a blog post. So if I want to include them in a post, then I talk to them about it first, let them read and review, and then if they are comfortable with it… I’ll post it. If not, there’s always something else to write about!
It’s easier to make these decisions if you run a heavily themed blog. Myself, I generally write about media I’m exposed to, so I generally don’t have to worry that I’m crossing some line.
Great topic as it will always enter the mind of any blogger or writer. This being said, by constantly wondering if people are going to be “okay” with it -will limit your creativity and writing because at the end of the day I find people are never “okay” with anything that is outside of what they consider normal and ordinary. Personally, I’m starting to think that the only way for me to draw line is to to ask myself “will I be agonizing about everybody’s feelings and thoughts if I write this?” If the answer is no, then my line is pretty far out there, but if it is yet, then perhaps in another lifetime.
I don’t post anything much about my family, because I know one day they’ll read my blog and come after me with torches and pitchforks if there’s anything amiss. Seems like if you really want to totally cut loose, you have to start a completely anonymous blog that no one knows about, and take that blog to your grave. Though why you’d already have a grave, I have no idea. You’ve got decades left! And even if you did, why would you want to take a blog to it?
Great post. I think all bloggers have that same struggle. You do the best you can but there’s always going to be that someone who is going to be offended about something you write no matter what.
I’ve had this discussion with others, particularly when it comes to family. My sister-in-law once posted something about having an “Oops Baby,” which got me wondering about what will happen when her daughter is old enough to read.
I try to be respectful in everything I write, but I have to be honest and true to myself as well. For example, I write about my parents as it pertains to the person they’ve raised me to be, and I’ve invited both of them to read and discuss anything they take issue with. My descriptions are not always flattering and I’m sure my parents are not particularly proud of some of the pictures I paint, but every word is relevant and truthful. And it’s nothing I haven’t already said to them at least twice.
People’s ideas of what is offensive or not vary, so it’s hard to tell where to draw the line aside from the usual boundaries: racist, sexist, misogynist, TMI (too much info), etc.
My rule of thumb: I will post something I will not be ashamed to say that I’ve written. that I know will not make my family and friends hate me, and that I am confident will not get me fired from work. Also, I will not post anything at the height of emotion. I will write my feelings down but sleep on it and read it the next day. I don’t want to sound like a raving lunatic.
Great post, I have thought about this topic often. I tend to just write anyway but I agree with the crowded room theory; I wouldn’t write it if I wouldn’t say it.
It’s a fine line. I’ve written about many family members and have used a little “creative license” to keep my post tempered so as not to hurt. As a writer I try to always be truthful but not hurtful.
I write mostly about myself and my own issues. When other people get mentioned, I make sure their identities are protected. But I’m pretty much anonymous, so it’s easy to write unlined — otherwise — I agree with only writing what you would be able to say out-loud face to face within a crowd!
Great topic to talk about and good write up. I think there is a line when it is ok and it isn’t ok to post something on the internet. As long as the the person is fine with it, then its good to write about it.
Lawlz.org: Funny Pictures and Videos
That’s why mine is anonymous. That way I can say anything I want. Even all the secret stuff.
But how do you get people to follow you?
Pingback: a conundrum, or maybe not | changed by change
I think your point is right nobody would want to be written in a blog w/o permission. take my sisters blog for example she put a pic of every1 in the house and cropped everything but the nose. and guess what ppl got offended . great post btw
When I told my husband I wanted to start writing a blog his first response was “Be careful what you say.” My employer has a section in the “Code of Ethics” dedicated to appropriate behavior and social media. You might not be aware of it, but your employers probably do as well.
I also did not want to offend those closest to me. That is why I’ve changed all the name to protect the innocent, including myself.
Anonimity has it’s advantages.
You’re quite right, and it’s made even more complicated by the synergy of these networks. With a few clicks, we can have these posts on twitter, facebook, google etc, available to enormous audiences.
Just remember who you’re talking to. Everyone!
It is for this particular reason I avoided public blogging for very long… I feel like writing so mcuh that I’ve now started to write with nicknames or alphabets as much as possible for the name. I am thinking to come up with two blogs one that will be like a open letter where I’ve social interest and not much to offend hopefully anyone and another totally with nick names for me and others and just will write and I think there will be a time when everyone in the blog will be matured enough that even when I open up someday on nicknames it won’t matter. For now I think this way I’ll try to have best of both may be.
I actually ask people permission, in person, before I post anything about them. I try to avoid photos of others whenever possible. On one of my first blogs, I would often quote what the people around me said– it was humorous, after all– only to have them read it and complain. So I ask first. I’m not the type who will write about anything, either… many of my family members read my blog, including my parents. Not the place to post party pictures.
As a few previous posters have indicated, my blog is anonymous. There are only a few trusted souls who know of my identity. I use a Nom de Plume for anyone about whom I write and am very sensitive about not naming people.
The issue of ethics and the impact of your words on others means thinking so carefully about the implications. I am a solo mother, with a son approaching adulthood. I started writing a book about my quest for motherhood (long before Hollywood took this up as a storyline) and then about my eventual pregnancy and what happened on our journey. Suddenly though I had to confront the fact that this was not just my story – it was my son’s also and there were various other people implicated. The donor father and his partner for a start. It got to be very messy. In the end, I abandoned the story. This won’t necessarily be forever as things change with time but the question that I had to ask myself was ‘Why am I writing this and for whose benefit is it?’ The answers that I gave myself weren’t good enough to persuade me to continue.
Nice post. My blog is just a space where I share my thoughts and happenings and i believe in freedom of ‘speech’. I do blog about my personal views on sensitive issues like political or religion, but i make it clear they’re MY opinions. I don’t use real names when I complain about anyone though, unless I really hate the person and I don’t really care.
Contrarily, sometimes I use my blog to tell things that I want the other person to know but for some reason can’t say it to their face. Stuff that are probably too mushy, or sounds less hurting when they read it themselves.
With regards to privacy, I usually take facebook as a guide. If they have photos of themselves up on their FB, it means it’s ok to post them on my blog. I do inform them in advance though, when we’re taking photos together.
I think blogging is a way of sharing stuff you can’t normally share and it kinda relieves stress for me. If there’s so much considerations to blogging, then no point doing so right?
You are not alone in your thoughts. Stephen King says “You must tell the truth.” When I first heard him say that, I jumped up and said YES! Of course, it is a struggle and I find myself staring at that fine line often. Glad to find out that I am not the only one. Great post!
Congratulations on making freshly pressed! I think that if you that if you feel it’s inappropriate then don’t post it.
I’ve sure been thinking about this since I started blogging. I try never to mention anyone unless it is a positive and supporting way. If I have someone I want to complain about I don’t give a name and I generally fuzz up the story so that no one is identifiable. I don’t particularly worry about whether someone might be offended in the sense of having a different opinion – there’s plenty of blogs from every point of view: “If you don’t like mine, read somebody else’s…”
I say sleep on it. If you still feel that it is okay to share the next day, at least you know that it’s not an emotional decision.
I’m confronted with the same question regularly.
My blog is about personal experiences and people I know read it…so, I’m hesitant at times.
I think sometimes that I should just start a whole new blog altogether and keep anonymity. ^^
I think it entirely depends on what you draw from the situation. If you are able to post without recrimination and anger as the only topics under discussion then it is fine. Of course you have to consider those you write about. If I write on a controversial topic I usually hold myself up as the mirror, and allow my readers to judge for themselves the merits of whatever issue I am discussing, making me either villain or hero depending on your point of view.
I just don’t include others’ situations. I write my experiences with them. I may mention other people but I try to avoid narrating what they think or how they feel.
Learn the laws of defamation very, very carefully. Learn them to the extent that it is possible. Then learn all related laws. Then talk smack all you want!
I tend to say what I think, even in a crowded room. I have been criticised, fairly frequently, for being overly direct. I’m also quite open about how I live my life and what I do.
However, that doesn’t mean I write about anything, although it sometimes appears that way to less discerning readers of my blog. Instead, I focus on just a few aspects of my life and personality and accentuate them through my writing.
As I write the blog under the pseudonym Stonehead, the result is that my blog’s readers have come to think of Stonehead as a real person. Both the OH and I find this disconcerting at times—people call out Stonehead in shops, when I meet readers in person for the first time I don’t respond when they say Stonehead, when people talk of their personal relationship with Stonehead it takes me a while to understand what they’re talking about, and so on.
It’s useful to create a distance between your real self and your writer self, but the effect can also be somewhat disconcerting.
I think many have put forward the very sensible suggestion that it is the story, experience, or outcomes which are often the most important thing to take from a post. It’s always worthy of being cautious with details of those involved in the original event, sensitivities range from individual to individual, one persons line will not be the line for everyone else, and it is very challenging to try and guess at what that is. I love to write, sometimes about things related to my work, sometimes not, but I work hard to maintain my anonymity because where my personal details be know, I would not feel confident posting certain things. It’s not cowardice, it’s the reality of liking my job, but also wanting to speak my mind – nobody needs to see my face to read my thoughts, should they wish. I suppose the point of what I’m saying, is if you are writing as yourself, for the world to see, including his partner, his friends and his co-workers, you probably just want to be more aware of the details put forward. People should feel guarded about events that happen to them, but the experience is yours as well. There are ways of sharing an experience without sharing everything about the people involved, and mastery of that can help make ‘the line’ less of a barrier to blogging, and more of a guidance as to how specific an amount of detail you choose to share.
My girlfriend was upset when I put up her photo on my blog: http://andreasmoser.wordpress.com/2010/12/21/emancipation-of-women-in-iran/
I sometimes publish people’s e-mails on my blog, with their name and e-mail address: http://andreasmoser.wordpress.com/2011/10/29/smoking-cigars/ – So I guess there are almost no boundaries for me.
Rule of thumb … If it feels right … then it is more than likely okay. If it does not, then maybe you ought to step back and take a closer look at it … One thing has been proven over and over and that is this:
The Internet is not hallowed sacred ground.
DS
interesting blog
Great subject. When I began I felt a freedom, almost a childish innocence to be able to write anything with out repercussions. That quickly faded and now I sheepishly approach controversial subjects and interject my thoughts and beliefs almost subliminally, a read between the lines approach. I certainly draw the line at openly offending family and friends, but feel that my beliefs are strong enough in certain subjects to expose others to them especially in regards to my religious beliefs and raising my children. The fun goofy stuff I really enjoy writing, I will offend some but for me it is the therapy I’m not willing to pay for, just yesterday I am sure I pissed off any Kim Kardashian fan who might read my blog, sorry but she is not news to me
Wow! I know exactly what you mean. I ask myself the same question pretty much every time I write about a serious subject.
“What if I involuntarily offend someone I know and like?”
In fact, I’ve tried to avoid writing about my personal beliefs for this very reason!
I once lost a handful of friends from Facebook because of a post I made about strike action in the UK. So shocked were they by this insight into one of my personal opinions that they no longer wanted anything to do with me – despite our friendship being based on something fundamentally agnostic when it comes to politics.
I know that some social circles will ban talk of politics or religion at social gatherings, as a means to keep the peace.
I recently resigned myself to the fact that, even though I do not judge my friends on their opinions, my friends are free to judge me – and if they don’t want to know me once they actually “get to know me”, then I’m probably better off without them.
When deciding what I should write about, I usually have an internal battle that goes like this…
Creative me: Write whatever you want. Screw what other people think.
Practical me: Oh yeah, tough guy. Why don’t you go ahead and take your own advice and write about your job and/or your shadowy puppet masters?
Creative me: I hate you…
Practical me: Go join a drum circle, hippie. Until then, I’ll make the money for us.
In the end, creative me loses and the job stays off limits… for now.
Damn Practical Me. So smug that jerk is.
When deciding what I should write about, I usually have an internal battle that goes like this…
Creative me: Write whatever you want. Screw what other people think.
Practical me: Oh yeah, tough guy. Why don’t you go ahead and take your own advice and write about your job and/or your shadowy puppet masters?
Creative me: I hate you…
I agree with the mom who told you not to post anything that you couldn’t say to someone’s face. I think we ought to be able to do as we please and say as we please without having to change or be less of ourselves, or share less of ourselves, because of how other people may react. But it comes down having to take responsibility for someone not liking what we’ve said and how we deal with that. I won’t post about work directly, or mention it by name or the people who drive me insane by name, because I don’t want to lose my job. I won’t post about my mother or how insane she drives me or how the coldness I felt from her as a child has really altered myself in my relationships as an adult…because it would be hurtful to her and my family. Which is kind of a shame because why I am who I am is the whole point of my blog. But, yeah, that’s it I think: Making decisions that may incur consequences with which we are okay is really all we can do. IMHO.
Thanx will keep this on mind while blogging…
You raise a really interesting point, and one that I’m considering exploring a future post of my own.
Like a number of people who have responded I completely agree with only writing what you’d be prepared to say to someone directly, but am also of the view that criticism should always be constructive. We all make mistakes, we all do things that drive each other nuts – but in most cases our intentions are not to cause another offense or upset.
One of my mentors once advised me to apply the “Front page of the Newspaper Test” to my writing. In other words: if something I said (or wrote) ended up on the front page of a newspaper, could I justify it; to my family, my friends, my employer, or a judge? So far, this has proven to be very sound advice and whilst there will always be some people who’s opinions I value more than others I also have no intention or desire for my writing to have a negative impact on others.
If you are interested, I discussed this to some extent in a former blog post: http://rogueloguevogue.com/2011/09/25/be-yourself-but-make-sure-you-fit-in/
I’d love to know your thoughts.
The beauty of this post is: we often think about this issue and somehow try to scrutinize our ideas as per our own criteria of ‘to do or not to do’. But I really liked the idea of not posting things that we can’t say to anybody in public. I had read somewhere, that if you want to tell a story or discuss some issue, it’s better to mix the real incidence with some imaginary characters and present the essence of your message.
That is so true! I would never really right talking about no one like calling them a name or something because if you can’t say it to their face there’s no point
Good post, my personal opinion is that it depends on what the nature of your blog is. If it is a blog about your experiences (good and bad) then I don’t see why you should not blog about it. Since everyone is entitled to their opinion. It does not have to be agreed upon by everyone. They simply don’t have to read it.
If the blog affects someone you know personally, that’s a different story. But as in life, who does not share on the fear of offending someone, unless you know it will…..
Just my 2c
Quite right! I had to admit the the title caught my attention because I often wonder if I’m being to open and whether I should really let people in and that close to me and my life, as well as my opinions.But when your just writing its so easy to just put exactly what your thinking on to the page without even starting to wonder how readers will interpret it until its so late. A lot to think about! But your friends comment on ‘don’t write about anything you couldn’t say to someone’s face’ does seem to be a good starting point on knowing when to draw the line. x
hmmm…..i think i’m pretty much an open book but there are a quite a few posts in my drafts section that i can’t seem to send out. i write a lot about growth and change and sometimes, friends that don’t to see that. especially if they subscribe to your blog.
my latest post took me over a year to address publicly on my blog. i thought to myself, “what the heck were you so afraid of?” people loved it and still accepted me.
if you believe it’s not worth writing about, don’t. if you do, do. that’s pretty much it.
I think we can share anything which don’t heart anyone feelings.
It is incredibly difficult to decide what should be said and what should be kept to oneself and its a question i often struggle with as I try very hard not to offend anyone. I tend to just weigh the worth of it being said against the potential consequences. It is unfortunate that we have to suppress our thoughts but ultimately it just shows what a considerate person you are.
Yeah, this is something I think about a lot. I try to keep a good ethical head on my shoulders, and my rule of thumb is generally “does this post have some sort of value to it?” If I think people will relate to the narrative, or if I think the writing is strong, I’ll publish it. In other words, I try to tell myself that my goal isn’t to hurt or embarrass anyone; it’s to write something that’s meaningful and hopefully will resonate.
At the same time, there are friends and family members of mine that I would NEVER blog about. So why are they exempt from the hard line rule? To a certain degree, I think it just comes down to what we value as people and not as bloggers/writers. Some people I just don’t care to protect. That doesn’t mean I’m out to get them…maybe we bloggers have both a personal line and an intellectualized one. I would also add that once someone makes that decision to post something, I don’t think they should feel they have to take it down or apologize for it.
Anyways, thanks for the thought provoking post and congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!
Yes! This very thought went through my mind when I wrote my last post- what kind of traveller are you? I was really worried about offending people… In the end I just posted it up- no offended comments yet.
“Don’t write anything about anyone on your blog that you wouldn’t say to their face in a crowded room.” ~ that is brilliant advice! I would stick to that!
Very thought-provoking post! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Interestingly enough I posted the other day about the “Occupy Wall Street” movement, and while I certainly didn’t name any individuals, there was something about the post that didn’t quite sit well with me and what I had written. So I went back and trashed the post. I love that we can speak our mind, but maybe, just maybe, there are some thoughts that are better left unsaid. Or in this case un-posted.
Mark
http://www.minimalistlifestyle.wordpress.com
I learned the hard way how powerful words can be with others. I used to have another blog that I shared publicly, but it was very personal posts, often discussing the demise of my marriage. Caused me A LOT of heartache and grief! I’ve also had other incidents where people have read my writings (not always online), and they were offended and upset by what I wrote. Now, mind you, some of these writings were private and they were read without my knowledge (at least until the person started lashing out at me). I’ve discovered that people often don’t like having a mirror held in front of them when things aren’t so shiny and bright. I have become more careful about my writing when writing for public consumption and who I talk about. But I’ve also decided that I won’t let other people’s feelings necessarily dictate what or how I write. If they are seeing something of themselves in my writing and aren’t happy with it, maybe they need to take a look at themselves and ask why.
Thank you for sharing such a thought-provoking piece!
http://askepticaloptimist.wordpress.com/
Interesting post thank you. It is difficult at times to know where to draw the line and I repeatedly harp on at my teenagers to watch what they post on Facebook etc. as although it can feel private it is really open for all the world to see. For myself I write by the mantra “If I wouldn’t say it it public I don’t write about it in public.”
Lovely post! I have the same blog theme by the way – it’s gorgeous
. Congrats on being FP! K
This is the big reason I try to stay as anonymous as possible. You never know what you might want to vent about or get off your chest. I agree, there is a fine line, and once you cross it there is no going back (or taking back the pain caused).
Great post and great question!
I haven’t had to deal with this too much in my writing, as I’m completely self absorbed and my writing is all about me (;o)), but there was one instance where I wanted to say something but didn’t know if I should.
A longtime friend of mine (23yrs now) and I are drifiting apart. She was a high school “bestie” who now has serious problems with what I do for a living. I was becoming increasingly frustrated and wanted to write about it, but KNEW for a fact that she followed my blog.
So I wrote an analogy about how I felt and likened it to breaking up. I waited until a month after our latest “episode” and posted then.
I don’t know if she knew it was about her or not, but I don’t think so. And it was very delicate and well written (if I do say so myself). Ambiguous too, it could have fit many situations and many different people.
That would be my best advice; wait some time before posting so it’s not totally obvious, and try to correlate it to a common experience that everyone can relate to, so as not to single anyone out. Or if that doesn’t work, you can always go with the, “So I have this friend…” approach. It’s definitely a fine line between censoring yourself and being considerate of others. Good luck, and if you think of any other ideas, can you let me know? LOL!
My blog is something I put on my CV so it would be unlikely to have content a future boss would dislike. That’s how I set up my boundary.
Its not just about blogging, you have to set a line (and dont step into life of someone else) whenever you are expressing your thoughts or details of some event. It may be in any manner like talking to people or your facebook status. Whenever your thoughts come out of your mind into the society (or virtual society), there is always a limit.
“Never do anything that you have to repent afterwards.”
It was a decision I myself had to make when I first decided that I wanted to begin writing a daily blog. How do I write what’s in my heart and decide what’s going to offend someone and what’s not. So I decided that what I was going to write was going to be humor based on current events. My theory is that if a news story is out there already, I’m going to expand on that story but with a humorous twist. If anyone is offended by what I write, so be it…..but, that said, I always tend to remind my readers that I was not the first to bring up the subject and that I’m simply attempting to show people the humorous side of what the news item was about. Yes, you’re always going to offend someone, that’s the nature of the beast, especially in today’s politically correct society. But, if you worry about what everyone else thinks, you’ll never be able to write anything with substance. Don’t let those who disagree with you or those that you feel you may offend become your censors.
This is a great subject! I try to blog with as much humor as possible about events in my life without hurting anyone’s feelings. When something really bothers me or is very personal, I write about it in a private blog that only I see. That way I get it off my chest in a nondestructive way.
I wouldn’t blog anything I wouldn’t want the world to know. And I wouldn’t blog about anyone else unless I knew they were comfy with the world knowing, too.
I have an ex who blogged so much detail about your relationship and it really made me uncomfortable. She really crossed the line a few times and over-shared- the good and the bad. It was cringe-worthy.
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I perform a lot of self-censorship. Maybe if I wrote under a pen name I’d be more willing to be more daring and lay it all out there. However, anonymity feels more a fable these days. There’s also the risk that some future employer will be scandalized by some flippant observation. As with your dilemma, what we write not only has an impact on us, but possibly also the people in our lives. However, honest, true and interesting reflections on our lives and our environments are important, not only for freedom of expression, but also to grow, evolve, and to not fall into passive complacency.
i blog about what i feel about a person but never destroying a person’s image.
In the early days of my blog, I ranted about my in-laws. My husband was not impressed, but man, it felt so good to get it off my chest! It was worth the tense discussion we had that evening.
I once wrote a blog post about a funeral I attended. It was a funeral for a child and so as you can imagine the emotions ran very high. In my opinion, the blog post reflected only my thoughts and feelings. However, a friend who happens to be very private and also the mother of the child, found my post to be self-serving and invasive. She defriended me in every since of the word. That relationship has never and is unlikely to ever recover.
The blog I keep is an intimate and personal blog. But I do have a rule. I limit my posts to only my emotions and perspectives in a situation. There are certainly times when the emotion I’m experiencing is ‘bloggable’ but it’s too connected to the emotions of others. In those instances, I keep the intimacies between me and the other person. The world doesn’t need to know everything about anyone’s life. Anytime I write a blog that references someone else, I ask before posting. And if I ever sense for even a moment that someone is uncomfortable with what I’ve written I remove it.
The blogging world is an interesting society– to hide behind our computers and say whatever comes to mind. It’s easy– because it feels, on some level, anonymous. It also feeds our narcissism– what I have to say, no matter how mundane or no matter what relationship it betrays, matters. And this simply isn’t true. You, the writer, do matter– but so does your reader, whether personal friend, family member or stranger.
I try to evaluate every personal post I make with this thought: Would this matter to a stranger or am I just throwing up useless words? I post poetry for the sake of beauty, anecdotes for the sake of wisdom or personal stories for the sake of shared experience. Secondly (if the post involves someone else): Who’s more important here: the blogosphere or the relationship I have with my mom, husband, friend, etc?
Ultimately– be true to yourself. If you feel it’s worth saying, then say it. And if it crosses the line, then make sure you can defend your reasoning in stepping over it. Be willing to take the fall-out without apologies.
PS.
Anonymous blogs are excellent tools for just letting any and all thoughts come out. It’s satisfying to write as yourself… and satisfying to write with a pen name. I personally do both.
I can definitely identify with this! My own personal policy is not to write about anything I wouldn’t say to a stranger or my employer. However, for those that have anonymous blogs, this is not a concern.
great post. It is a consideration one must make blogging. It’s not like the old paper and pen days of personal journals. With blogs, we polish and organize our thoughts, the feelings we have, and the things we want to say. And once you submit it, it is out there. And people will find it.
The lines can be thin, however, and depending on our message, and the meaning, it can be ok to do so.
I find myself wondering about what I say, and about whom. Truth is, that even as I do a level of censorship, my current sole blog, will take that risk.
I had my sister read a post in which I mentioned her and my brother-in-law, from a conversation we had. It makes me feel peckish. I make a point of notifying those I know that nothing is safe, and I pretty much will say anything.
Blog with caution.
Thanks for posting this. What a great topic!
For my part, I think what it comes down to, truly, is that you just can’t censor your subject matter – you can’t. Otherwise you risk losing really valuable emotional/intellectual depth in your blog. You have be thoughtful (really, really, really thoughtful) about how you speak – but DEFINITELY SPEAK, about whatever moves you. Even if (like with a work situation, as you described above) you have to do it really obliquely. (Another blogger commented somewhere in here that, in sensitive posts, they try to talk about the topic/event in a very general way rather than relating individual, specific circumstances. I think this is really smart…I think it might be the key.)
I have to add, insofar as limiting blogging to the things that you would say to someone’s face: that’s a good rule of thumb, but my problem with it is that I actually think I’m in more danger of saying something indiscreet in conversation than via writing! I’m a big proponent of letting emotional posts sit for 24 hours before publishing, just to make sure I can stand behind what I say. If only conversation was like that!!!!
Sometimes, if I’m writing about a potentially controversial subject, I will get someone to read it before I publish it. I try to find someone who belongs to the group who could get offended. Just having another pair of eyes look at something you’re not sure about can add some perspective.
I think blogging helps you figure out which relationships you value most. There are some people who I blog about all the time, and write really kind things about because I want to make a public statement that I love them. There are other people who I rarely blog about and never by name, because I don’t have a public warm-fuzzy to shout. Those people seem to even hate being mentioned without named, though. There’s no winning with them. I’ve even had them get mad at me when I’ve written something I thought was complimentary.My strategy: blog frequently and positively about people you love most, and infrequently and neutrally about everyone else.
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The reason I don’t keep a diary, in a notebook, is because I live with people who can read. This is why I write an anonymous, uncensored, blog. I don’t think that I am particularly more terrible than anyone else but I say what others think. There are a select few people who know me that also read my blog but, to anyone else who comes cross it, I hope it provides some good entertainment value. I write about the human condition which is often not as perky as we all like to pretend it is.
Great blogging article! I liked it — thank you for sharing!
I will subscribe to your blog.
I put it out there on my blog at Midlife Mona Lisa. My rule is I can share anything I want about me, my depression, midlife crisis, dating escapades, etc. I change the names or mention no name at all about others involved in the story to protect the innocent. When I write a profile about another midlife woman who is tackling her own issues or demons, I always let her review the article before I post because she must be comfortable first and foremost before her lesson can be shared the world.
I have run into this SO many times. I want to tell stories from my real life relationship in my relationships blog, but I know that some things need to be private. It’s frustrating, to be sure, but I also like knowing that I am trusted to ask someone before posting things, or at least to adjust names and specifics enough to make things kind of anonymous.
But really, it’s not easy. Great post, thanks for writing it.
I had an ethics class that had several criteria for making ethical decisions. One of them was this: would you like to read about this in the newspaper?
Hahaha what a funny post, I know it was not funny but it reminded me of something funny
So if you are a writer you should be strong enough to face the consequences of what you write, it is better to think before writing but not overthinking, do not write something mean about someone you know, just write the same story and use some other random name
Hi,
I’m a new blogger or I don’t know if I will myself one. I love your post and the message it convey. Me as a writer sometimes think about the restriction of being a “writer” or “blogger” or “artist”. For me, for as long as you are not hurting someone, in a sense that you made it to ruin someones image, you can blog about anything, but we should think before we click.
I completely know what you’re saying. I had to create a new site so I could publish a piece I wrote without hurting anyone’s feelings. I accept submissions, too (pretty much will print anything submitted) as I hope it will become a place where people can just air the closet anonymously. For me, writing it helps get things off my chest, and then posting it somewhere out in the ether helps me, too.
I started blogging before I called it blogging. I was giving updates on Caring Bridge regarding my husband’s cancer. He often said “You wrote WHAT?!” He has since passed away and I have become an “official” blogger. The boundary I have made is that I may tell of someone’s actions in a story but I will discuss only my motives or thoughts. I think where we get into trouble is when we blatantly state or subtly infer someone else’ intentions – especially if we think they have bad intentions.
To me in today’s Information Age, one does need to step back from the keyboard and ask, is this something I want to share with: Family, Kids, Friends, Strangers, Co-Workers, the Boss, and be on the front page of the morning newspaper all at the same time? Internet posting can so disjointed from what face-to-face conversations are that one can forget how words without emotions and background information can be taken way out of context and damage folks beyond your wildest dreams and can back to haunt you.
If you are agree about something write it out in say Microsoft Word and walk away for awhile and cool off. Then, read it again with a clearer head and ask is it worth publishing or was just writing it enough and send to no one is all that was needed. Being angry at a keyboard connected to the internet is a dangerous thing because once you hit SEND you can’t take it back…
I’ve had trouble with this before…I think everyone is different. Some of my friends and family members just don’t care, others prefer to be left out altogether. I try to make it a habit to ask whenever I want to write about something just to make sure.
Definitely an interesting topic. If I can blog about something without boring myself, odds are I’ll do it. I’m much more likely to censor myself when I get the urge to retweet someone really offensive who made me laugh very hard. I do have, in theory, customers reading that.
Its good to not comment about anybody on your blog it can heart his or her feeling
I used to blog anonymously. I never felt that that gave me freedom from the obligation to be ethical about my writing — a lot of what I blog is to do with my work and I work in the healthcare profession, so there are rules of confidentiality and basic decency that needed to be observed no matter whether I was anonymous or not. It was difficult, though, with that safety of a pseudonym, to know exactly where to draw the line, not least because anonymous is never really anonymous. It was astonishing how many people knew who I was.
Since I started using my real name, I’ve found it easier to know where that line in the sand needs to be. I’m more careful about knowing when to write and then sit on it for a few weeks or months before posting, and about knowing when not to write at all. If I think that my professional regulatory body would take issue with it (my name is very very Googleable), I don’t write it. If I don’t want my priest or my grandmother or my best friend reading it (they do), I don’t write it.
This is such a great post…I have often wondered this same thing…most recently regarding a photo on Facebook. I came across a photo of a young boy sitting with a bar of soap in his mouth, circa The Christmas Story’s Ralphie. Someone commented that at least the bar of soap was clean. I’m not sure if later on down the road (when said kiddo is 16, 25, 42!) this post was such a good idea. I understand the frustration behind it, but maybe some editing was in order.
Congrats on Freshly Pressed!
How weird. I wrote a post about this too. I have serious self-censorship problems.
A friend had to appoint themselves as my unofficial censor.
And I’ve had to agree that some posts need my partners approval before I can post them .
But most of the time i just post… I’m with you on the blogs i love to read don’t hide, and are very truthful which is what makes them so readable.
Great post…I have the same thoughts go through my mind as I write. There are many posts that never get published but I just feel good getting them out…then I delete.
I am working on my issues with sometimes I just need to get it out there and deal with the thoughts of others. I think and write sometimes what others are thinking…isn’t that one of the points of blogging???
Great article…I am now a subscriber!
Well done on your piece – it’s something that I think we all need to consider in the age of Faceache, Twitter and…blogs!
I’m just starting out with mine, and one of the main things I wanted to do with it was to explore my relationship with my husband – he’s an unusual character, extremely funny, but volatile and high-maintenance. I could fill a blog with stories of him alone – 99% positive, or I wouldn’t have married him!
However, I’m sure he wouldn’t be happy about me writing about him like this – I know I wouldn’t. After all, that ‘Do as you would have done unto yourself’ adage does make sense.
But sometimes I feel the need to explore my husband’s actions/ aspects of his personality/ even occasionally vent a bit, and sometimes it’s easier to do this to strangers rather than friends/ family who I don’t wish to involve. I don’t mean I want to use my blog to belittle or badmouth him, rather to better understand where he’s coming from – ‘if I don’t get him, maybe you will and can explain it to me’ type-thing. Like how when you’re so deeply involved in something, you can’t actually get any perspective without distance/ an outsider’s viewpoint.
Anyway, I’m currently censoring myself, and am consequently frustrated and dissatisfied with myself as that wasn’t my intention – this was my blog and for once I wanted total, open commentary on our relationship, true honesty: stuff I don’t have the space to say in person. Stuff that other people would find interesting, stuff that might pertain to them, too. But then of course that would still only be my truth – and not my husband’s…
Personally, there shouldn’t be a line.
It is a free country for everybody else. people want to pour out their personal problems, that are how they grieve so let it be. There are too much rules out there in the world, don’t need one more in the blogosphere. Go on and share, people! There is an anonymous people can opt for. Such as moi!
Good question xo
Personally, I’ve given up caring what people think. People get offended over nothing, anything and whatever. Hell, people even get offended by my name. I’ve just don’t care any more and I’ve just started to blog about everything and EVERYONE that I think makes an interesting post. If they get offended by that then that’s okay, I didn’t particularly want to named as a God parent to their kid anyway.
First, I love that line by the blogger about not publishing anything you wouldn’t say to their face in a crowded room. It works for Twitter and Facebook too. For us, (my coauthor and I share a blog) the line is separating personal and professional. Yes, we have some personal items in there. but it’s never directed at someone. If we post it, we’re okay yelling it at the top of our lungs in a crowded room and we’re okay being judged for what we say. We realize we’re in the spotlight because we’re trying to be; I think bloggers need to realize you’re in the spotlight whether you mean to be or not and people will judge you for what you say.
Second, I love that you reply to comments. It makes me feel heard and appreciated.
-Eliabeth Hawthorne
I like you’re added qualification of being ok with being judged for what you say. Once you hit publish you can’t take it back, so you need to be proud of what you’ve written.
I try to respond to comments, but this thread has gotten overwhelming! I am reading every single comment though!
Almost all of go through this while posting. I remember one of my post where I actually mentioned name of people and amfriend had a fight over it with me. I have decided to write about everything now. No matter what the consequences may be. Another thing that helps me do that is that I can speak the same thing on their faces.
But I think its actually a good practices of not mentioning names, unless and until you are talking positively about someone…..
Great post….liked it…
Great post. Definitely an interesting read. Check this site out.
NHL 12 tips, strategies and team reviews.
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Your gut is always right – see it knew to tell you, you shouldn’t write about your husband’s event. But controversial topics SHOULD be discussed! Isn’t that what a blog’s for? To bring us together to discuss challenging topics?
Just today I wrote a blog post about something that was mentioned at my grandmother’s wake last month. It was something different, and I wanted to share it. Most of my family members probably won’t read it, but for those that do, I think they’ll be fine with it.
Let me know what you think: http://peelingcheek.wordpress.com/2011/11/06/do-you-like-that-red-lipstick-you-wear/
A conundrum amongst all bloggers! I, too, think t’s like that mom said – only some people will say more edgy things than others!
http://www.theunderstander.wordpress.com
I think the line is when feelings will be hurt and identites revealed. That said, some people can be unreasonable by refusing even to inspire a post. I think if it’s not offensive or revealing, go for it! After all, all you have as a non-fiction writer is your own experience – if you hold back too much you’ll lose a part of yourself.
I’m the kind of person that I don’t really care what other people think of what I write because I just FEEL like writing/typing whatever inspired me to begin typing the blog to begin with. However, you got me thinking a bit more, and if I REALLY have to think about it, I think its best not to type anything about anyone. Just keep it general.
Yeah, this is a difficult one. I have a story I’ve written which is 98% based on the crazy (and mostly closely held) exploits of an illegal immigrant friend of my wife. The story is ridiculous, compelling, and built from several different interviews. I’m dying to put it out there. I’ve pitched it to TAL (without a bite just yet), but now I’m thinking I don’t want it to go to waste if it is not accepted for publishing in an obfuscated manner. Could feature it as a short story on my website, or perhaps make it a blog, but, going that route, it will quickly get back to the person in question. I don’t believe she would think to kindly if she ‘finds’ it. But then again, this story really has to be told.
So, no solid answers from me on how to decide when to cross that line. Perhaps if the story is that great, it’s worth ruffling a few feathers. Or, perhaps you could just wait until that illegal immigrant jumps ship again (which could be really soon).
Thank you for blogging idea. Now my blog is a thing I want to write. I never focused on anything.
I only write about cars. So in that vein nothing is off limits,but I wouldn’t write about anything personal. People who write about really personal things are just asking for trouble.
Very nice blog. Unfortunately there are a lot of things I WOULD say to almost anyone in a crowded room, but its a nice thought nevertheless.
Families = juicy, juicy material! It’s incredibly hard to pass up but inherently risky. Now that I’m blogging, I’m constantly fighting the urge you outlined. Funny, I view every situation and hear every conversation with different eyes and ears. The question “Is this bloggable?” is always in the back or front of my mind now. Sick or inspiring?
I also find myself always thinking “can I blog about this?” And then I sort of hate myself for that. And then I think about it some more
I also know that my husband knows that I think this way and so he’s always sort of on the alert. But overall he’s very supportive of me blogging about almost anything. Just his work stuff is off limits, which is fair.
Hm, this is tough. I’ve always considered blogging to be like writing in a diary, so I’m much more candid than I would be in real life. However, there’s always that risk that the people you’re writing about could find it and discover all you secret thoughts. You’ve given me a lot to think about!
… and you would let a stranger read your diary and know your secrets???
‘Fearessness is fearlessness,’ to quote a line from a Stevie Nicks song.
But then again, insensitivity is something else.
I think the key to this kind of decision is about respect. If you have respect for the people around you and what you write is informed by that respect, then I think anything else is fixable.
(If you don’t have respect for the people around you, that’s a different issue entirely)
I haven’t though too much about how anyone might react to what I’ve posted on my blog, I don’t tend to write about personal issues. (I don’t have too many, I’m a guy, I’m single and I don’t have any children).
There are some subjects I won’t touch with a barge pole because they tend to be subjects that draw a lot of heat, and not much light, from people who are definitely not playing with a full deck. (I have my own list of such subjects in mind, you may well have your own.)
Aside from the above thoughts I tend to fall back on The Duke of Wellington’s reply to a would be blackmailer,’Publish and be damned’.
If you can’t say what you like on your own blog, then where can you say it.
Easy for me to say, I don’t think anyone reads mine.
Hi, I think you can absolutly share 100% of your own personal experiences – its okay to make yourself look compreomised and a fool and hopefully funny! But you’re spot on with ‘to their face and in a crowded room’!
Good advice!!
Great Blog i come again to your blog …..:)
see this
http://www.allitreview.com/
it’s things like this where i’m thankful for the “password protect” option
blog whatever bloggers want, personal choice to judge and read it…just sayin..
http://triviayourmind.wordpress.com/
Great post!! I really do enjoy reading blogs where the bloggers speak their minds.. I think it’s great and don’t take offense to anything in the blogosphere
I love browsing all types of blogs.. one’s that are very detailed/wordy or ones that focus more on products or photography! But I agree with ya there there can be a fine line sometimes on posting personal stuff… especially with family involved! Have a great weekend!
http://itsawant.wordpress.com/
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I’ve got to admit that I blogged about something the other night that my sister in law had done…it stemmed from a few years of just plain frustration with her actions. I didn’t mention her name or even elude to her(I’m sure she doesn’t even read my blog – too busy with her own arrogant affairs). Anyhow…..I knew that if I didn’t blog about my frustration at what she had been doing, I’d just bust. I truly felt relieved after my blog post. Go check it out and tell me….do you think I “crossed the line”? I don’t, but would love some input. http://lastingimages.wordpress.com/2011/11/12/803/
my “ventful” blog was titled “Keep Calm and Blog About it”…….I’d love some feedback.
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My God! Was just thinking about the same thing today and thought of writing about it. There are lots of times when I feel like posting about something but just couldn’t because of different thoughts that hit my mind like is it ok to talk about this? How far should I go? Will this offend someone? etc etc. But I really do think and would like to practice the “write about everything” attitude after all that’s the reason why I’ve started blogging. To be able to just write down anything and everything I want.
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Tremendous issues here. I am very glad to see your article. Thank you so much and I am taking a look ahead to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a mail?
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