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As parents, we thrive on firsts. We celebrate them and brag to our friends and fill in the blanks in our baby books. First smile, first wave, first steps, first words. Life with a new baby is full of joyous firsts. But what about those other firsts? The ones that nobody talks about. The ones that don’t have a cute little blank in the baby book.
When Adeline was only a few weeks old I experienced something I wasn’t prepared for: I got angry with her. Really angry. And it was scary. We brought her home from the hospital and she was the most beautiful little thing we’d ever seen. We wrapped her up in her swaddle blanket and called her “the burrito.” We took turns rocking her to sleep and I nursed her all the time. We were tired, but it was awesome.
And then she started screaming. For hours every night, from about 1:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. she would just scream and scream and scream (and there was plenty of screaming during the day, too). The only thing that helped even a little bit was to bounce her and shhhh her. So I would sit there on the exercise ball, bouncing up and down for hours at a time. My abs and back and legs were soon sore and exhaustion settled over me like a bag of wet sand. The lights of the city at night filtered into the room, giving everything an orange-ish glow. I said “shhhhh. shhhhhh.” over and over again, stopping only for a moment to catch my breath. And when I was too sore, too exhausted, too out of breath, I would stop and she would scream. Immediately and insistently, she would scream. I knew this was something that babies did, but I didn’t know that when it’s your baby those screams are the worst sound you’ve ever heard. And when it’s the middle of the night and you’re exhausted, they tear your soul apart.
And suddenly I understood the pamphlets and the PSAs and the billboards, all promoting the slogan: “don’t shake the baby.” Because in that moment, everything in you is fighting the urge to lift her up in front of you, shake her and yell, “Please, for the love of god, just stop crying. Just sleep. Just give me a break, please, before I lose my mind.” It’s not that you want to hurt her, it’s just an instinctive response when you want someone to listen to you. But she’s your baby and you love her and you know you can’t do that. So you just keep bouncing her and shushing her and you close your eyes and you let the rage simmer inside of you.
And the thing was, I couldn’t talk to David about it. I felt ashamed and I was sure there was something wrong with me. No mother in her right mind would be angry at her baby. I was sure David wasn’t feeling this and if I said anything about it he’d look at me like I was crazy and take the baby away. So I tried to act like everything was ok and I kept my rage a secret.
It went on like that for a week or two. Finally one night when she was, mercifully, sleeping for longer than twenty minutes, I had to break the silence. I skirted the issue at first, just talking about how hard it was, how much I needed sleep, how her screams were so painful to hear. And then David did the most helpful thing he’d done in those first few weeks: he said it first. “Sometimes I get angry at her and it’s really scary.” Yes. Thank you. Yes.
We talked it through and we supported each other. Those first few months were really rough, but together we made it. Sleep issues persisted and I have certainly felt anger at other times. And I know that as she enters toddlerhood she will give me new and entirely different reasons to be angry. But knowing I’m not the only one going through this makes such a difference. And that was another first: the first time I knew that David and I could do this parenting thing and, together, we could even do it well.
Well-said. I was reminded of these days on a recent vacation with my in-laws. One of their two-year-old twins was throwing a full-scale tantrum poolside as her mother tried to get her to calm down and nap. She was so far past exhaustion (mom and toddler), that I was nearly brought to tears as I recalled the temptation to throw a glass of ice water over my own nap-resistant toddler’s head and yell at her to, “Knock it off!!”
I love that you and your husband were able to open up to each other and share your vulnerabilities and fears. I truly believe that is the only balm for emotions that strong.
That sounds tough – I can’t even imagine having twins. Like, literally, I do. not. understand how parents do it. One nap-resistant toddler seems like it will be hard enough. And I’m pretty positive Adeline will, indeed, be nap-resistant.
It’s so true that sometimes the only way to diffuse such a strong emotion is to have someone you love there to just listen to you and understand. Single mothers get my hero of the century award.
My son had colic for 9 months. He screamed all of the time that he was awake, and I was the only thing that could comfort him – and even that didn’t work all the time. He did not sleep for more than two hours at a time for nearly a year. It was exhausting, demoralizing, and infuriating. There were times that I had to set my son on the floor in his room and leave him there, screaming, while I got myself together. Without my husband’s understanding I don’t know if we would have made it through it. You have written this beautifully.
Thanks
I totally hear you – I have definitely done the set her down and just walk away thing. Better that then let the anger make you do something you’d regret. Sometimes you just need a few moments to yourself to calm down. And by calm down, I mean go from over-powering rage to halfway controlled, simmering anger. I figure that’s the best you can do sometimes…
I totally understand that anger and the confusion it creates, especially when you’re running on empty. But I’ve got to tell you, Sara, you guys never gave a clue of any anger or even frustration w/Addie. Frustration from lack of exhaustion, yes. However, any parent could feel inadequate next to you two, who dealt w/the long adjustment period Addie needed to acclimate herself into the world. I so wished you’d let me be w/her for an hr — 20 mins — any amt of time to give you a few moments of peace and quiet. But, nope. You wouldn’t have it. That’s love. And my offers were totally selfish
!
That you and David can parent together is the most important gift to yourself, him, Addie and the rest of the world. If it starts looking like you’re coming from different directions, don’t wait an extra day to talk about it. There’s little that I know for sure. But I do know w/out any doubt that if you can’t co-parent, be on the same page whether you completely disagree in private, the price is horrific. And there are no do-overs. No “let’s go back and try those pre-teens yrs. my way.”
The impact is no different than divorce or a death in the family. In fact, it might be worse because the problem is kept so quiet and thus so much more unexpected than other domestic issues. It rips adults, kids, family members and friends apart. If parents won’t do everything possible to demonstrate unity in a child’s life–let go of any ego, research the importance of a united front, seek therapy, ask for help from someone they trust–the results are devastating.
But you probably already know that. I bet those who don’t know you would not realize that Addie is your first child.
BTW, 3 babies coming in the building!!! Your buyers, Hillary/Alan and Najya/Sami! Women in this building should not drink the water! LOL
Thank you for this post! I came across your blog from Freshly Pressed (I’m sure I’m not the only one!) and found this post and it is really beautiful because it is honest. So often I find we mothers are afraid to share our truths because we are afraid what others will think of us, or fear there’s something wrong with what we’re thinking or feeling. When, in reality, when we share our truths we come to find that we are far from alone. Thanks for this.
Trisha
http://www.thepolkadotpalace.wordpress.com
Agreed. A mom friend once told me her favorite billboard in NYC said, “When you feel like throwing your baby out a window, call us instead.” I never saw the billboard, but knowing it exists makes me feel better. In my mind, if not in reality, all parents experience the anger.
Very good – very transparent! I think we all go through this and continue to go through this – thus the challenge of parenting (esp when they reach two). I think there is power in connecting with others who have/ are experiencing the same thing. Bravo and congrats on being pressed!
very brave, very true, absolutely normal and important to share. thank you
wow. You captured this experience so beautifully and with so much vulnerability. I had goosebumps the entire time I was reading it. I remember those days. I’m having a terrible go with some terrible twos right now. You know what? It’s SO much worse when they know you’re angry at them…there’s so much guilt, and shame, when you look into their eyes with your own brimming over in frustration and helplessness, and they KNOW. They know you are thinking bad thoughts about them. Parenting. So hard sometimes. I always try to remember 2 things: 1. millions of people have done this before and survived. 2. This too shall pass.
My sister has a 2.5 year old and he really pushes her buttons. I see her struggle with her anger and I realize that it’s going to get so much harder over the next couple years. I think it helps so much just to hear that other people are going through the same thing.
I completely understand what you’re going through. My first gave us a not too dissimilar experience. He refused to settle down in his basket, the first few nights home totalled 3 hours sleep between My wife and I.
You have to remember its not forever. That they have no other way to communicate. I’m glad you shared your thoughts, it’s a rough time and compounded sometimes by people telling you that their babies have been sleeping 3-4 hours from the moment they get through the door home. Good luck.
Hello,
I new to your blog and liked it. Though i’m single and with no kids, my friends have and find lot of similarity between them and you.
I belong to eastern part of globe.
I know this is not the right post nor the right time to ask this and if u feel offended and don’t want to answer please don’t.
What i want to know the fact/truth, that divorces are very common in western world. People don’t mind separating. But when i read you and your husband working hard and together and trying to be a good parent, I think whether i’m right?
DO you guys think that u should be married to the same person through out your life and be attached to your children???
Best wishes to you and your family.
The other day I was pulling into the grocery store and I watched a 2-3 year old running happily near the entrance step a bit too far into the road. Quick as lightening his mother grabbed his arm, yanked him back to her side and scolded him. I am not a mother and initially I thought “Too much. He’s a little boy. He didn’t do it on purpose. Why yell at him?” Hours later I was home with my dogs, I don’t have children I have two beautiful dogs I dote on. They were chasing each other around the yard and one of them ran a bit too far into the road. Quick as lightening I shot to attention and shouted, “Analaigh, NO! COME! INSIDE!” I was furious. Then I realized, it wasn’t exactly anger, it was fear. Absolute and abject fear that something could happen to her that I would be powerless to stop. I remembered the scene in front of the Whole Goods earlier and understood the mother’s response. She wasn’t angry and punishing the child for running into the street, she loved him and only want to protect him and watching him into the road probably scared the life out of her.
Good luck with everything. It’s great to hear that you and David have each other.
superbly written……
I just found your blog! Great stuff so far. My first was so similar. I was sympathizing with you because we would bounce on the exercise ball all night!! shushing and bouncing…(and crying. I was crying.) He didn’t sleep well until about 8 mo. old…but thankfully he did grow out of the screaming! I think there is so much emphasis to be a “good parent who never gets mad” and that just isn’t reality. I guess it is how we handle and express our anger that makes all the difference. Thanks for the post.
I’ve tried to offer some similar advice to friends and family at baby showers. It’s OK to go in the next room and scream too, if you need to. Then take a deep breath, go back to your baby, and love them even more.
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