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Family, Feminism, Gender role, Girl Effect, Parenting, Sexism, Sexist Toys, Women
A little over a year ago I had a daughter and I became a feminist. OK, in truth I’ve been a feminist all my life. But I’ve been lax at times, indifferent at others, and sometimes I let the politics of the word (“feminist”) cloud the issue. But as soon as I knew there was a girl growing inside of me, I started becoming fierce.
This newfound feminism takes many forms, some of which I’ve already mentioned. (Toddlers & Tiaras? Kill me. NFL Cheerleaders? Stay away from my daughter. The Girl Effect and microfinance to women? Yes indeed.) But right now I’m focused on the issue of sexist toys. Last night I came across this article about stores that separate their toys by gender: doctors uniforms for boys and nurse uniforms for girls. Because god forbid a little girl wants to be a doctor – learn your place! (Or the corollary: your boy wants to be a nurse? Not on my watch!)
Even though the article was the catalyst for this post, it isn’t really news to me. I hate when I walk into the toy department at Target and one entire aisle is all pink. It’s not that I have a problem with pink, per se – hell, I dress Adeline in pink a lot and her room is done in pink. I think it’s cute. What I have a problem with is the idea that pink is the only thing that girls like. And the dolls in that aisle are utterly disgusting. Call me a crazy feminist if you will (seriously, call me that!), but I’m going to avoid buying Adeline barbies as long as I can. Hello, body image issues.
I was at a holiday party over the weekend at a friend’s house. She has two little girls and in the kitchen she has a little play kitchen for them. It’s really cute and the kids were all having so much fun playing with it. My initial reaction was, “Oh man, I’m going to have to get one of these for Addie.” And then my inner feminist reared her head: “Seriously, you’re going to give her a kitchen? Is that all she’s good for?? Why not get her that play tool set or a train set instead?” The thing is, I know Adeline would love the kitchen. Mostly because she’d be able to imitate mommy. (And yes, I see the irony here: as a stay-at-home mom all I can model right now are stereotypical gender roles. More on that dilemma in a future post.) But even if she would have fun with it, I just don’t think I can do it.
And think about this: how many parents would buy a kitchen for their son? The gender stereotyping goes both ways. It’s totally fine to buy “boy” stuff for your daughter – I dress Addie in boy clothes a lot and no one thinks twice if she plays with dinosaur figurines or trucks. It’s ok for girls to be like boys because people (secretly and without admitting it even to themselves) think boys are better. But parents don’t buy the kitchens, the pink clothes, the barbies, or the nurse uniforms for their sons. Is it because girls are inferior and they don’t want their boys to be girly? Or are they just afraid too much girl stuff might turn a boy gay? (Because that would, apparently, be the worst possible outcome.)
Whatever the reason, this much is clear: our retailers, at least, think that certain toys are appropriate for girls and other toys are only for boys. And if you want your daughter to have the doctor’s outfit, that’s ok, but she’ll know it’s from the boy’s department. And no matter how you try to shield her, she’ll get the message: “boys are better.”
Adeline in "boy" PJs playing with her truck
I have 5 daughters. With my three oldest I have never attempted to sway them toward or away from any toy. Well except Bratz. Thong wearing baby dolls rub me the wrong way. My husband has attempted to force skateboarding, nerf guns, army men, and other various “boy” things on them. But they seem naturally drawn to all things pink and girly. Nail polish, barbies, baking, kitchen toys, the list goes on. Do I worry they will not become independent strong educated women because of this? Absolutely not. They have actually hurt poor mommy’s feelings on several occasion inquiring when am I going to get a real job. Ouch!
I am so with you on the Bratz – those things seriously creep me out. It’s always so interesting to hear stories like this – that girls really do like girly things even without their parents encouraging that. I’m so curious to see what Adeline likes as she gets older. I’m sure she’ll surprise me!!
I am a preschool teacher and oddly enough, children do gravitate to certain toys- it is very interesting for me to observe this fact. Children play with what interests them- that is called developmentally appropriate play. Give the children something new maybe ,not a toy, GAK( a slimy goo) for instance, and all will play equally the same. Boys and girls play and like to be curious about new things, if you want your child to explore all directions of thinking give them new activities -children learn best with physical activity that relates to play. That is why role play(kitchen cooking, singing while reading, clapping phoeones, helps that child scaffold new information. Boys( by knowledge of anthropological inherits traits) are often implusive they love the ZOOM of a truck, noise, motion activities. Girls( by anthropological traits) are nuturers , they will relate to dolls, softness, animals cuddling and so on.As they get a little older you will begin to see they will chose what they like to play with(parellel play)- or play with what other children play with when they get to associative play.Buy them both trucks and dolls, red , pink and blue, and let them play with what they like . Open ended selection is always the best. For art too!
The idea of stores with gender-segregated toy areas makes me want to vomit for so many reasons. Ugh. But about the play kitchen — we received a lovely wooden play kitchen in gender-neutral colors from a friend of ours whose son was done with it. He also passed on a whole bunch of dump trucks, fire engine puzzles, and even a “princess” blender (why do princesses need blenders? Wouldn’t they have staff to make them smoothies??). My daughter plays with all of them, as her friend before her did. I guess I don’t think the cooking toys are sexist to give a girl, especially b/c my husband does ALL the cooking in the house, so she won’t really see it as a female role, necessarily. It seems to me that all kids love to pretend to cook. I love Adeline’s PJs — half of my daughter’s are “boys” as well — I think the dogs & bugs & dinos are so cute!
Aren’t the dinos adorable?? Those are my favorites!
I do like the idea of a neutral-colored kitchen. Maybe part of what turns me off to some of them is how utterly pink they are. Whose kitchen looks like that?! And yes, I don’t think Princesses need blenders
I am a preschool teacher and I have had boys that love to wear dress up GIRL clothes and I let them chose whatever- the girls don’t usually wear boy dress up, maybe cowboy clothes- boots and vests. The boys love to make princess hats like cinderella- I let them, it is the way they learn by experiementing- they like the shiny fabrics,the clanky noise of the bracelets, and the feel on balancing in high heels- so what! Stores are about buying items repeatedly, having the child into needing THAT toy,consumerism, not necessary about learning to think, explore, or be curious. To bad!
I absolutely love your approach. Yes, learning is about experimenting and limiting children’s choices to gender-specific items is truly a shame. Cheers to you for giving children many different experiences!
Go watch “Miss Representation” and prepare yourself. It gets so much more insidious.
I just watched the trailer and I’m in tears. It’s so sad that this is still going on. I will definitely watch the whole thing. It makes me want to become an activist!
I watched it, taped it, and promptly scheduled times for all of my friends to come sit at my house and watch it with me and discuss. That’s my brand of “couch activism.” It can only help, right?
We went to Toys R Us on Sunday – just to the package pick up counter because I ordered some stuff online that meant we didn’t have to roam the aisles. While we waited for them to bring my order out, my partner almost ran over to the aisle next to customer service to look at… dolls. I was confused.
She came back much more slowly, pouting.
She thought she had seen a girl doll dressed in overalls holding a wrench. Upon inspection – it was, of course, not a girl doll but a boy doll.
Her poor feminist heart was broken. Again. As it always is when it comes to toys for girls and as it often is when it comes to toys for boys.
I think we should buy two dolls. A boy and a girl – take the boys toys and clothing and put them on the girl doll and send that doll to my future grandson (who won’t be born until May, lol.) I want him to know that GIRLS like TOOLS and that BOYS should like GIRLS who like TOOLS.
Stay fierce!
I love the idea of buying two dolls and switching up the outfits! I will totally do that! And I will try to always stay fierce
Good idea buy one of each- they will just take the clothes off anyway, order from Lakeshore- then each of the dolls will be physically correct. They won’t even notice until about 3.5 years old.
You touched on the most important issue here: the need to allow and encourage boys to play with toys “associated” with girls. I think the real losers in all of this are the little boys, who grow up with the idea that to be a man means to play with trucks, to fight and to repress any love of cooking or anything otherwise domestic. I think we’ve reached the point where it’s acceptable for girls to do what they like but we’re far away from reversing that lesson for boys. I also think that we need to re-address the idea that being a nurse is of less value than being a doctor and that being a stay-at-home-mom is less ‘powerful’ than being a breadwinner. By agreeing with the assumption that economic power trumps emotional power we perpetuate a set of values that has already damaged society’s moral compass. I wrote a rant about this very topic a couple of months back as a result of a NYT article lametning the small number of women fulfilling top corporate positions. You can read it here if you’re interested: http://katekatharinaferguson.wordpress.com/2011/07/02/on-pens-and-penises/
I agree with you – boys really are the losers here. My ex-husband’s family made fun of their little seven-year-old boy cousin for being too girly. They literally called him “faggy” to his face. We’re divorced now. Obviously. But god, how sad for him. As he gets older he’ll learn to repress anything that doesn’t fit with the norm of what being a “man” means and he won’t be true to himself. Poor little guy
Times are changing and girls are more aggressive , do better in school- they are more mature, have better focusing skills and often can sit in preschool longer- boys will be boys so implusive behavior has to to managed. I study the development of both boys and girls between 3.5-5 years, I am telling you times are changing. Boys are falling behind, it is a societal issue and I need pages and pages to blog about, but I feel the boys are not allowed to be what they are, implusive, rough, loud, naughty, teachers can’t manage so they ignore. Boys need gentle firm love, strong boundaries, and structure- while giving encouragement to explore .
This is something that really bothers me, too. When I shop for friends children I try to go as gender neutral as possible. I agree with the above comment from Kate Ferguson- it’s not a win for little boys who are drawn to the traditionally “feminine” aspects of life either. If I do have a child, whatever gender it is, I am going to do my best to avoid presenting things in “masculine” and “feminine” terms and more… it just is what it is.
I think the fact you’re aware of the situation and are taking steps to provide both “masculine” and “feminine” toys, you a step ahead of a lot of people.
I do think if you think Addie would enjoy a kitchen, she should have a kitchen! I’d get my son a kitchen- cooking is fun. You can also get her one of those tool benches to be fair.
(Also I’m not sure how crafty you are [your Christmas decorations imply you are crafty] but HOW CUTE is this play kitchen? I wish I had a child to build it for- http://www.ohdeedoh.com/ohdeedoh/before-after/before-after-chair-turned-play-kitchen-believe-it-kicsi-haz-158709 )
That play kitchen really is cute! I’ve seen those home-made ones before and they always turn out well. I have an old bedside table I’ve been thinking I could make into a kitchen. And I’m sure she’d love it. You’ve inspired me!
If I went into a toystore that had toys segregated by gender I’d complain. I have four grown children and the youngest two are girls. I raised them to be empowered young women and always told them: ‘Wherever you are in the world, always, always, always stand up for the rights of women.’ The eldest in particular has really embraced this and is a hands on human rights advocate. She presently teaches in South Korea and is visiting India for ten weeks next Spring, which will be a life changing experience for her.
My girls were never interested in playing with dolls even though they had them and they never wished to babysit either. It is only since teaching that the oldest has come to love children and the youngest has become more maternal also. My advice to anyone would be not to push and let them play with whatever they please. A child’s job is to play, discover and learn, allow them to learn in the way they prefer, whether it be through a cardboard box or a toy car!
I wish we lived closer so we could have coffee, watch the girls play, and discuss these important issues! My daughter loves the kitchen; it’s her favorite room in the house. It’s also the room where we, as a family, spend the most time. So she did get a play kitchen for her birthday from Grandma, but it’s so grotesquely pink. And it has a character on it (don’t get me started on that). But like another poster mentioned, my husband does most of the cooking these days, so I don’t feel like we’re perpetuating a gender stereotype. My fear is that she’ll think she has to work like mommy does, when, in fact, mommy really just wants to stay home.
Great post!! However, I’m the Mom that DID buy her sons a kitchen set!! Men rule the kitchens in most resturants!! I’m preparing my boys for that! haha..
All of my kids have had toy kitchens. And cars. And a baby doll. Squish’s entire collection of Christmas goodies were Melissa and Doug play food, and I just got him a wooden kitchen that I found at a thrift store.
My nephews both loved playing with a kitchen set. I plan on getting something similar for my little guy when he gets a little older. I also plan on making sure he takes dance classes and plays with baby dolls and not just toy trucks and “manly” boy things.
But still, one of the things I absolutely hated when preparing for my baby’s birth was how SO gender specific EVERYTHING is – from clothes to furniture, and everything in between. Part of the problem is the ultimate goal of retail itself – increasing sales. Having very gender specific toys and ascribing color to one gender means that a son’s toys and outgrown possessions can’t easily tranfer to his sister or younger friend. An entire new set of the same things have to be purchased because, let’s face it, when we have little girls, we do not want to dress them in navy blue and have them sleep on sheets printed with trucks (at least initially). We want to go out and buy them pale pink or white. So, the second part of the issue is how we, as a society, continue to attribute certain colors, characteristics, hobbies, roles, and careers to one gender over the other. I agree that thinking about these issues and making a conscious effort to instill ideas of gender equality is a must for parenting today. Thanks for bringng up the issue.
I also wanted to mention that I’ve announced the winner of my giveaway http://lifeloveandbaby.com/2011/12/16/we-have-a-winner/ – and you won!
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I was just having a conversation about this topic at a playdate today with 7 other Mums. My little boy loves Dora. And has a (albeit yellow) Barbie car/jeep that he loves to push around like any other car. Before having kids, I never thought I’d want my boys playing with dolls. But they do from time to time. And it seems natural. And my friend’s boys has a toy clothesline to peg the clothes up on and a kitchen too I think. And one of the women today said her boys gravitated today classic disney stories like Snow White etc so she bought them Snow White toys/dolls? Not cars.
Its not until school, we were discussing, that they seem to pick up these gender no-no’s from other children (who have learnt it from their parents I assume). Now they are embarrassed to admit to anyone they play with Snow White and mermaids etc. Or maybe its just a stage boys enjoy and then grow out of just as naturally too? Anyway that’s my brief comment & I am not even a feminist per se. Certainly not a “radical” feminist.
But do people REALLY think boys are better?! I am not so sure about that point in your post.
this is great.. i think its great to teach both genders about enjoying “everything” in life, including “gender” toys. I have a son, who is such a boy, loves to thrwo his football, catch with his glove and get down and dirty in mudd.. But he will also tell everyone that his two favorite colors are “pink and purple.” At first, I would encourage him to like blue and orange, but nope, he likes Purple and Pink. thru all of this his older siblings, did not understand why their little borther loved pink and purple. My older son thought it was “weird”.. Months later, we grew to enjoy his love for pink and purple, and recently we went to the grocery stor and he purchased a “miney mouse” ball, dora yogurt, and dora fruit snacks. Came home and he was so eager to show his new items to his siblings, which he made sure he told them that the snacks and ball is for girls, but he likes it too. The silings luaghed it out, and my older son came up to me and said, mom its okay to like any gender items, he said, beause I love you and my sister, and now I love pink as well. I thinks its okay to let them be whot hey want to be, enjoy what they want. I think that stores need to miz it up, let kids be kids, and deicde to choose what appeals their eyes and mind. Great article ~
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