I just finished a “momoir” writing class: a class dedicated to helping moms write their stories. It was a fantastic class (put on by SheWrites) and I learned more than I had hoped for.
I learned technique (write in scenes, write in the present tense, etc) and I got wonderful feedback on my work. I met an awesome group of moms who are all struggling with motherhood and living to write about it. And most importantly, I had the chance to reflect on why we write.
We write to tell the truth. There are other reasons, of course. But when you brush away the vanity of seeing your thoughts in print, the exhilaration of finding the perfect word, the ability to take the time to craft a thought, what you’re left with is this: you write because you know a truth so important that you’re compelled to share it.
Since coming to motherhood I’ve discovered that, while I don’t know what the hell I’m doing most of the time, I also know more about the truth. And I want to share it. The truth that parenting is really hard and sometimes involves a lot of anger, that being a stay-at-home mom can be incredibly boring, that girls should never be forced to play with only certain kinds of toys, that sometimes you have to do what’s right for your baby, even if it isn’t what’s right for you.
The truth is powerful. And often uncomfortable. Sometimes too uncomfortable. But you have to face those uncomfortable truths and you have to write them, both for your own sake and because you owe it to your reader. And you have to tell the whole truth. Because only half a truth isn’t really the truth at all.
If I tell you that being a mother sometimes makes me angry, but I don’t tell you that once at 3:00 a.m. I slammed the door so hard I broke the door jamb, or that one morning when she wouldn’t go back to sleep after 5:00 a.m. for weeks in a row, I ripped the curtain off the curtain rod, or that sometimes I have to dig my nails into my palm so hard it leaves marks, just to stop myself from doing something worse – if I don’t tell you those things I haven’t told you the truth. And you might think: “ok, she gets angry, but I’m sure she doesn’t get as angry as I do. I must be the only mom who ever feels this way.” And then my attempt to connect with you might just leave you feeling more lonely than ever.
These uncomfortable truths are what draw people in, what make them want to hear more. It’s what makes us feel like we’re not alone, in parenthood or in life. As writers we need to tell those truths, more than anything else. So I will, always, strive to tell the truth here. It is, after all, why I write.
Beautifully written and TRUE.
Thank you
The goosebumps began cascading down my legs and back as you revealed the extent of your anger in the middle of the night. Thank you for showing your human self and sharing it. That’s how we connect and keep it real. Here’s to writing the truth.
It’s hard to show that side, but I agree – it’s the only way to really connect. I find that the longer I keep at this blogging thing, the more comfortable I get with telling the truth.
I took a momoir writing course through The Momoir Project which, unless I am mistaken, is the same instructor. I too learned so much, and continue to learn, about the universality of honesty. There is so much pain and pride in motherhood, and you’re right: These shared truths, when articulated, help guide us out of isolation. Great post!
Yep, that’s the same class! I’m actually doing a level two class starting next month. It’s been so inspiring to read all of the other moms’ stories. The more you read, the more you see how powerful it is to show that “pain and pride”.
Wonderfully well said! And, even though we can laugh at some of it later, there’s no denying how we felt at the time, and the greatest gift you can give another mom or human being, for that matter, is letting them know that they’re not the only one. Keep up the great work!
Oh boy, I’m not at the laughing at it later stage yet! I hope I’ll get there. OK, actually when we finally bought a new curtain rod I did manage to laugh at myself. That’s progress, right?
Baby steps!!
excellent post! it never ceases to amaze me how reassuring it is to hear that other moms are going through what i am going through–thank you for your honesty!
You’re welcome Jessica
And yes, isn’t it amazing how sometimes you just need to hear that one other person has been through it and you suddenly feel so much better??
Beautifully and very honestly written! I remember when I became a mom one of the hardest things was to find someone (anyone!) who would be honest about motherhood and not hide behind the cliches (I love very minute of it!). By being honest about our stories and how we’re really feeling we not only help ourselves but other moms as well. Great post!
I know! Why do we feel so compelled to pretend that we love everything about our baby and everything about being a mother? I mean, good lord, it’s so hard sometimes!!
Oh great post, such a relief to hear I’m not the only one. I once bit my own arm so hard it was bruised for over a week!! I’m sure there have been loads of other occasions but my memory is too poor to recall them… lol – have just been writing about memory and couldn’t think of any good examples to give! I always love your posts, keep it up xx
Thanks! And oh man, I’ve never bitten myself… although now that you’ve given me that idea, I might use it as an anger management tool in the future
What a beautifully written post! I couldn’t agree with you more. It’s all well and good to use all sorts of adjectives, but tell me a story. Tell my what happened to make you feel that way and how you dealt with it, good or bad. There is so much glorious madness in being a parent; it’s not all bad, but it definitely isn’t all good.
One of your best posts so far….it is so hard to always be the ‘grown up’ when you’re parenting. No one knows what is always the ‘right’ thing to do…but I think being honest with yourself, with your feelings, and with your reality is one way to make it through with some semblance of sanity. And it gets better-they do sleep. And when they’re teenagers and sleep ALL the time you wonder where that colicky baby when who wouldn’t close her eyes for more than a few minutes at a time!http://mamawolfe-living.blogspot.com/
This is a wonderful post. I salute you for saying everything that needs to be said for us mothers who struggle through the experience of motherhood. Yes, telling the whole truth is so important because when you do, I do feel suddenly saved from choking on my own isolation. I so wish I had taken that class with you but I was probably too busy trying to get my little guy to go to sleep (again, for the 386th time)!
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