I take a deep breath and hit the send button. For a moment my heart seems to skip a beat, knowing that it’s out there now and I can’t take it back. It’s just one page, but it could change so much. My resume. I’m officially job hunting.
This is something I’ve been thinking about on and off for months, but I haven’t felt quite ready. Being a stay-at-home mom has it’s bad moments, but on the whole I’ve loved it. And I think it’s important: I didn’t want Adeline’s first months on this earth to be spent with someone else.
More and more, though, I’ve been thinking about getting a job.I’m hoping to find something part time, for now – I need to ease back into things. And I want to take things slowly for Adeline’s sake as well. And yet, I don’t think she’ll mind the separation as much as I will. These days when the babysitter comes or when I take her to daycare at the gym, she smiles and runs away from me like it’s no big deal. She’s happy to be in a new space, with new people, away from mama for a while. And that breaks my heart a little.
But to be honest, sometimes I need a break from her too. And it’s not just that. Part of me wants to work again. I crave performance reviews and acknowledgement of a job well-done. I want to put on nice clothes in the morning and not worry about Adeline ruining them. I want to wear high heels and do my hair. I want to talk to other adults about something other than how our babies are sleeping or whether we’re giving them cow’s milk.
But then I think about what it will look like: quickly getting ready in the morning and trying to spend some quality time with Adeline. Rushing home in the evenings to see her before bedtime. Spending the weekend doing all the things that never get done: laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. David and I both stressed about job stuff. Adeline more attached to her daycare teacher than to us. Is that really what I want?
Suffice it to say, I’m still feeling very ambivalent about this whole thing. It probably doesn’t help that my only “real” job was incredibly intense and made me not really like being a lawyer. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that I can’t go back to that. When sixty hour weeks are normal and eighty to one hundred hour weeks are common, you don’t have much time for anything else. And I have a big “something else” right now – my beautiful baby girl. So I’m trying to find something, shall we say, more “family-friendly”. Yes, I’m on the mommy track. For now, anyways.
It’s never easy and you’ll vacillate monthly, sometimes daily. As exhausting as it is with work, business, sports and busy kids, we try to do any ‘house work’ during the evening so that our weekends are clear for family time. And if all else fails wine helps.
Wine ALWAYS helps
That’s a great idea to try to preserve weekends. The problem is that my husband is usually working nights and weekends anyways (in addition to regular hours) so I’m afraid it will just get really stressful. I’m sure we’ll figure it out…
I had made the decision to stay at home with my son. There is no right or wrong decision, but with motherhood comes guilt. Unfortunately, they have not made a pill for that.
They definitely should make a pill for that! Guilt is such a hard emotion to deal with – I feel like most of us were never really taught how to handle it.
I’m sure you’ll find an adequate balance–and that your quality time with Adeline will be just as meaningful (and hopefully plentiful).
I was faced with the exact same question a few years and eventually decided that returning to work was the best thing for me (and happy mommy means happy family). There are days I think how much ‘easier’ it would be for everyone else if I was at home but I know that’s not the right place for me personally. It’s all about deciding what’s best for you and your family – then you know you’ve made the right decision.
I’ve been thinking that a lot lately – I will probably be happier working at least part time, and that will make everyone happier. If I were the kind of person who could be perfectly happy doing this all the time, it would be one thing… but I think I need a little something different.
Good luck!
Adelaine is so lucky to have such a thoughtful, caring, eloquent mum. best of luck making your tough decision.
Love your blog. I am an attorney myself and have stayed home with my son for the first year of his life and will be returning to work in January. I’m thankful that I have had the opportunity to stay home with him, but I know I am not meant to be a SAHM. Wishing you luck in your job search and journey to find balance.
Great to hear from you! What kind of work will you be returning to? I think I’m just so afraid to work again because my previous work experience was so intense. Hopefully I can find something more realistic.
I actually really lucked out and will be going to work for a solo practitioner who does tax controversy work (I have an LL.M. in taxation.). She totally understands about me wanting to have time for my family and I will only be billing about 120 hours per month, so I think this is a great job for me to jump back into. Do you have a mother attorneys organization where you live? Here in Seattle we have one and they are great. I have a mentor who has given me all kinds of advice on making it easier.
Good luck! I hope you find employment that fits all of your requirements!
I don’t know why but this makes me sad as if I am losing a member of my tribe. I know we’ve never met (face-to-face anyways) but our journeys have paralleled up to this point. I won’t be returning to work for a bit (as far as I know) and it’s been nice to share this experience with you. I know you will still post but our worlds will no longer parallel. So I’m excited for you and a bit sad for me. I can completely understand your decision, I’ve fantasized about having adult conversations and having a reason to get up in the morning other than to go through the routine of chasing the baby and playing the same games over and over again (it can be a bit mind numbing). It would also be nice to have reason to get dressed for a change.
Best of luck to you. And here’s to taking our cyber friendship in a new direction. Cheers!
Oh
That just made me sad, too. I will definitely still be posting, and although I’ll be going in a new direction, I still know that being a mom will be my biggest role. And maybe I can give you a glimpse into what going back to work would look like, in case you start to think about it. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of challenges to document… and maybe it will make you feel better about your decision to stay home, boring games and all!
Know that it will SUCK. Both ways. Either way. Sometimes. I know you’ve already got the perfect background to see it from all sides, and I meant the above as encouragement (even if it sounded pretty DISMAL). I was home for NINE years (working out of the house the last two) and I was DYING for a performance review. My husband was wonderfully supportive and complimentary — BUT my immediate supervisors (both of them) started out spitting up and peeing on me — moving on from that only to tell me that they “hate me” at least once a week. Now that I’m out working, it’s nice to see people every day who respect my opinion and tell me so. I hope that you can get a little bit of that emotional “boost” back soon!
Yeah, life is just hard sometimes, huh? Was it hard to get back into the working world after so long at home? I’m already a little nervous that I’ll be out of practice!
It was, in that I was SO tired at the end of the day….and the housekeeping got a little lax. Ha ha. I did, though, choose to work in a field that I enjoy (libraries) rather than healthcare finance which I don’t think I could go back to and maintain the focus on family that I want. My current job is something I leave at the door at the end of the day…something I’ve never had before. Just make sure you enjoy what you’re doing — at home and at work, and you’ll do great!!