I take a deep breath and hit the send button. For a moment my heart seems to skip a beat, knowing that it’s out there now and I can’t take it back. It’s just one page, but it could change so much. My resume. I’m officially job hunting.
This is something I’ve been thinking about on and off for months, but I haven’t felt quite ready. Being a stay-at-home mom has it’s bad moments, but on the whole I’ve loved it. And I think it’s important: I didn’t want Adeline’s first months on this earth to be spent with someone else.
More and more, though, I’ve been thinking about getting a job.I’m hoping to find something part time, for now – I need to ease back into things. And I want to take things slowly for Adeline’s sake as well. And yet, I don’t think she’ll mind the separation as much as I will. These days when the babysitter comes or when I take her to daycare at the gym, she smiles and runs away from me like it’s no big deal. She’s happy to be in a new space, with new people, away from mama for a while. And that breaks my heart a little.
But to be honest, sometimes I need a break from her too. And it’s not just that. Part of me wants to work again. I crave performance reviews and acknowledgement of a job well-done. I want to put on nice clothes in the morning and not worry about Adeline ruining them. I want to wear high heels and do my hair. I want to talk to other adults about something other than how our babies are sleeping or whether we’re giving them cow’s milk.
But then I think about what it will look like: quickly getting ready in the morning and trying to spend some quality time with Adeline. Rushing home in the evenings to see her before bedtime. Spending the weekend doing all the things that never get done: laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. David and I both stressed about job stuff. Adeline more attached to her daycare teacher than to us. Is that really what I want?
Suffice it to say, I’m still feeling very ambivalent about this whole thing. It probably doesn’t help that my only “real” job was incredibly intense and made me not really like being a lawyer. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that I can’t go back to that. When sixty hour weeks are normal and eighty to one hundred hour weeks are common, you don’t have much time for anything else. And I have a big “something else” right now – my beautiful baby girl. So I’m trying to find something, shall we say, more “family-friendly”. Yes, I’m on the mommy track. For now, anyways.