Adeline has a will of her own. I mean, I know all babies do, but seriously, this girl is headstrong. It’s starting to come out in the typical toddler way of being obsessed with one thing for a period of time. She went through a phase where Night Night, Little Pookie was her favorite book and we had to read it to her over and over and over again. Now it’s Goodnight Gorilla and Goodnight Moon. (I’m not sure why she’s so obsessed with bedtime books, come to think of it.)
Fine, that’s normal. But now she’s obsessed with one particular outfit. And it’s not just that she wants to wear it all the time (which she does) but that even when she’s not wearing it she just wants to bunch it up and walk around holding it. WTF?
the outfit
this picture was taken today. because she's wearing it AGAIN
So the other day she was wearing the outfit and I was getting ready to take a shower. I asked her if she wanted to come in the shower with me because she really likes that. She said yes (by which I mean, she indicated with a combination of babble and gestures that she wanted to) so I helped her take off the outfit. But then she did her usual thing of bunching up the outfit and cuddling up with it. She refused to put it down to come in the shower.
Part of me wanted to just rip the damn thing out of her hands and drag her into the shower and get it over with. But that’s not really my style. I know she’s young, but I like to give her choices. Plus I didn’t really want to deal with the ensuing tantrum.
So I knelt down beside her and calmly gave her three options: 1) don’t take a shower with mama, 2) take a shower without the outfit and then put it back on when you’re done, or 3) bring the outfit in the shower but then it will be wet and you won’t be able to wear it anymore. Guess which one she chose?
those clothes aren't going to dry themselves
Upon exiting the shower I still had to deal with a tantrum, but at least it was of her own making. You might say she’s too young to understand those choices. But I would say, first, girl is crazy smart, you’d be surprised! And more importantly, yes that may be true, but she learned something that day. She learned that choices and actions have consequences and we all have to live with the consequences of our choices.
It’s not that I think she has now sufficiently learned that lesson. It’s that I think it’s a lesson worth teaching, even to a one year old. Even if you have to teach it over and over again. Because a wet and unwearable outfit isn’t really a bad consequence. But if I don’t teach her that lesson now, she could end up with much worse consequences as she gets older.
What do you think? Do you let your children make choices and then feel the natural consequences?
Can’t blame her too much- she looks awfully cute in that outfit!!!
I think kids can make choices that young. My daughter completely understood me before she could speak clearly and effectively. For sure, they are far far smarter than we think!!!
It’s true – it is a pretty cute outfit. And it’s from Nana, so there’s that.
Not that I know much about parenting, but that sounds like the perfect way to handle that situation.
I agree! At least make it a productive tantrum! Both my boys are clever, confident people (aged 4 and 22 months) and from the start we have discussed with them, reasoned with them and given them choices-with consequences. I have to add that ‘Goodnight moon’ is my little ones favourite. He just loves clocks and moons at the moment so we know why!!
Glad to hear it’s working out for someone else – I’m not being a crazy person over here
I would have done the same! I’m sure they are able to make choices being aware of consequences at one year. To answer your question: Yes, I’d let my boy make those choices too as long as he’s not running in a pile of broken glass (you see what I mean).
Right – it’s not like I’m going to let her play with knives if that’s the choice she wants to make. Whenever it’s safe, though, I try to let her do things for herself.
I agree with you 100%.
However I would like to take this comment to marvel at getting Adeline to shower with you! Both my kids are terrified of the water pouring down. Which means I have to clean on my own time
That sucks. Yeah, she wasn’t a fan of it until just a couple months ago. Before that she hated getting water on her head. But suddenly she just became ok with it. I think, honestly, she still doesn’t love it, but it’s worth it to be doing whatever mama is doing. So that’s cool
Big fan of natural consequences. That’s one of the things that sticks out most from my developmental psych classes. I think she can probably understand choices, and if she can’t, it’s good practice for you anyway.
Yay! Official approval from experts
Hahaa – haardly, obviously. Everyone’s an expert before they actually have the baby.
Hey, if they’re teaching it in developmental psych classes, I’ll take it.
I definitely let it ride when they were toilet training — wet clothing was the only thing that seemed to make an impression. Having said that, lately I’m REALLY struggling with allowing them to spend “their” money any way they choose. Whether it’s allowance or a gift from Grammy, it kills me to let them buy some cheap piece of junk that I KNOW isn’t going to work or is going to break in 24 hours. My mother is all, “it’s their money – let them get what they want”, but I REALLY, REALLY want them to pick out a good book, a board game, or one of the skate/surf t-shirts they always ask US for.
Oooh, yeah, that would be hard. All of these things that I just don’t even think about yet! My grandma is very frugal and I very clearly remember her always telling me to be careful with my money, etc. I don’t think I necessarily listened at the time, but it did stick with me. So maybe it’s just a matter of making the comment but still letting them make the decision?
That’s pretty much what I do — sometimes, too, I limit the amount that they can “blow” on one thing.
Yes, it is all about choices at our house and sometimes, unfortunately, kids make the wrong choices and there are consequences. These can either be good consequences or sad consequences (like having wet clothes that cannot be worn anymore)
I think you’ve hit on maybe the most important daily lesson and gift we can give our children: action=consequence. A lesson so much easier learned sooner rather than later when the consequences can become big-time trouble. And your patience w/her as you lie next to her to talk w/her. That kind of respect and empathy can’t be taught–those are lessons learned from adult actions — not what we say, but what we do. Day in and day out. Now, if there were only a way mom’s could learn how NOT to focus on our handful of bad days inevitable over the months and years in which they occur, perhaps we’d carry around a little less guilt — or would we just find something else to slide into that empty “guilt” slot?