When I was two years old my parents took me in for my regular check-up. I was a good little girl, and all of my previous appointments had gone well. This one started out the same. I was sweet, behaved for the doctor, and was brave when it came time to get my shots. They put the needle in and I didn’t cry a bit. Then, a few seconds later and with no drama to speak of, I passed out.
From that moment for the next fifteen years or so I passed out every. single. time I did anything involving a needle. Every time I had to get shots, when I had to get blood work done, when I had to get IVs, even when I got my ears pierced.
It became such a problem that I started avoiding needles if at all possible. I got cavities drilled and filled with no pain medicine because I would rather endure the pain than get the shot. When I was pregnant with Adeline, I decided on a natural birth. There were many, many reasons for that, but I’d be lying if I said that avoiding needles wasn’t one of those reasons.
When I was in high school, my school hosted a blood drive. I decided that it was time for me to get my act together. I decided I would donate. When they pricked my finger to test my iron levels, I passed out. No donation for me.
But then things started to get a little better. In college, I got bitten by a stray dog and I had to go in for rabies shots. Five shots in one day, five different times. The first day I passed out. After that, I was good. In the ten years since then I’ve managed to get flu shots and travel vaccinations without passing out. When I was pregnant I had to have several vials of blood drawn for blood work and I got through it. Maybe my days of passing out are over, I realized.
Despite all that, though, needles still terrify me. When I made my 30 Before 30 list I included the entry, “Do something that terrifies me”. At the time, I didn’t know what that would be. A few months ago I realized: I needed to donate blood.
Today was the day. David dropped me off at the donation center and took Addie on a shopping trip to keep her out of the way. I answered all the screening questions and when she pricked my finger to test my iron I was fine. We went to the back and I sat down in the reclined chair. She picked a vein and marked it. We talked about our kids and watched the Olympics on the small TV in the corner while she put the needle in. The blood started flowing. I had done it!
And then I passed out.
One moment I was saying that the women’s basketball team looked good. Then I started to feel my body floating up and the lights were flickering in the corners of my eyes. My head felt big and spacious, like a balloon about to float away. “I’m going to pass out,” I managed to tell the nurse. Then I was gone.
The deepest sleep you’ve ever had. The kind of sleep you fall into after the most exhausting day of your life. Then someone wakes you up right in the middle of a dream. You fight it. Why are you waking me up? You want to yell, but your voice doesn’t seem to work. Slowly, lights. Someone is touching your face, there are strange hands on your body.
“Sara, do you know where you are?”
What? No! Where the hell am I? What’s going on. Shit, what’s going on? Why can’t I remember where I am? Who are these people? What’s happening? I can’t open my eyes. I can’t think straight.
The Olympics. My eyes catch a glimpse of the basketball game still playing on that small TV. I was watching the Olympics. My eyes open more. Ladies in blue. So many ladies in blue. Who are they? My eyes find someone’s eyes. Ah. I remember. And then the shakes come. Always, immediately upon remembering, the shakes come. I’m shaking uncontrollably and soon I’m crying. Not because I’m sad or emotional. It’s just the adrenaline release. It’s just the next step. A few minutes after that, and many deep breaths later, I’m back to normal. Three juice boxes and six cookies later I can walk out of the building.
But I didn’t get to donate blood.
Tell me if I’m wrong, but I say I’m still crossing it off my list. I walked into that center. I let them put the needle in my arm. I was terrified and I did it anyway. I’m sad and embarrassed that I couldn’t donate, but I’m proud that I tried. That’s what this list is all about, right?
Here’s the list so far. I still have some work to do in the next 2.5 months.
- Fund 30 Kiva loans (21 so far! Please join my team!!)
- Submit something to be published
- Do 30 Days of Truth (In progress)
- Learn Photoshop
- Get a new tattoo
- Write a novel (or participate in NaNoWriMo)
- Finish Project 52 (In progress)
- Get something published
- Go somewhere I’ve never been before
- Climb a 14K
- Forgive someone
- Find my go-to Karaoke song
- Master one yoga pose
- Do a cleanse
- Go to an opera
- Master a difficult song on the piano (In progress)
- Find a good place to volunteer and start volunteering
- Start composting
- Print photo albums
- Learn how to use camera in manual mode
- Do something that terrifies me
- Write a business plan
- Do something fun for my 30th birthday
- Audit a science class
- Take a hot air balloon ride
- Paint a picture
- Watch the Godfather movies
- Purchase a very expensive, staple item of clothing/accessory
- Get a facial
- Forgive myself
Hell yes you get to cross it off! You totally did something that terrifies you! I didn’t see any other criteria.
So this reminds me of a phobia of my own. Getting my blood pressure taken. I’ll spare you the details of its origin. But I have not done many things, including donating blood because it requires that I have my blood pressure taken. So ridiculous! Aaaah! I have actually managed to get my heart rate up to 160 bpm just sitting there. It doesn’t always get that high while I’m running! Anyway, I sort of feel your pain. The passing out has to suck!
I’ve never heard of that fear! Isn’t it crazy what our minds do to us sometimes?
I know, I’m truly one of a kind…ha! The mind is a crazy machine. I’m learning that first hand!
You should cross it off your list and them enjoy another cookie for job more than well done.
Thanks!
Ha!! Thank you for this! My case isn’t as bad as yours, but I can relate. I merely almost pass out. In high school, I helped organize a blood drive. When it came time for me to donate, they pricked my finger and noticed that I looked pale. I was about to pass out. They sent me directly to the cookies and juice. I’ve never tried to do it since.
Isn’t it crazy how our bodies are sometimes? I’ve passed out a few times giving blood….usually after, when I thought I was all good to go back to work. Then, as you so obviously know, they whip out the blankets and try to stop the shaking and the fainting AGAIN (which I have also nearly done).
The twins have JUST finally gotten over a nasty habit of automatically vomiting every time it stormed. It all started on a random night two Septembers ago — a two-hour soccer practice, after which we had MY birthday cake, a sudden storm whipped up, THEN the power went out…..followed by vomiting, for which I can hardly blame them. Unfortunately, they continued to do so…..every time the sky even got dark. Phew! Glad to be out of that phase.
Awww, at least you tried to give blood again. I think that counts!
I”m very curious to know how you can get a tattoo when that also involves needles.
Ha, I know! I’ve passed out or nearly passed out for all of my tattoos. They just happen to be small enough that I was able to hold out until the end. But also, I think it’s more specific to syringes than needles, per se. I can poke myself with a sewing needle, for example, and be fine. I also have a deep-seated fear of hospitals, so that’s probably related. (Yet another reason I wanted a natural birth and am thinking home birth next time.)
I love your list! I think that your intention and your active attempt is what matters. Results are not always within our control.
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I’m the SAME way!! I’m 17 years old.. I hope I grow out of it soon! If not, I’ll never make it through childbirth!!