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When I was young (meaning, up until about five years ago), I expected success. Everything I did, I expected to succeed. And I did! I did well in school, I got into a good college (even though I ultimately didn’t go there), I got into a good law school, I got a good job. In truth, I had failures throughout that time, too. I didn’t get into the best college I applied to, nor did I get into the best law school I applied to. I didn’t get interviews at all of the firms that I wanted. But I never looked at those things as failures. I took them in stride and looked at what I got as the success that I had been expecting. And success just kept coming.
Then, suddenly, I became very afraid of failure. I became afraid of failing at my job, and ultimately I wasn’t cut out for it. (Not that I really wanted to be…) I’m afraid of failing at writing and I start to have blocks. I start to expect that I will not succeed, but tell myself that at least it’s worth a shot. I tell myself that I won’t be too disappointed if I fail, and then I sit staring at the computer for days, unable to write. I begin, already, to fail.
But why? I’ve spent my life taking failure in stride and not even seeing it as failure. I’ve spent my life succeeding. Why do I need to talk myself into believing that I will succeed now?
In part, I think, it’s because of all the messages I keep getting from outside. When I was growing up, everyone expected me to succeed. So I took that and ran with it. And I succeeded. Now, though, people seem to expect me to fail. “Getting published is really hard. This industry is so messed up. Thousands of amazing authors never find success.” I hear those messages and I internalize them. I expect to fail and I begin to fail.
You know what? Not anymore! From now on, I’m going to expect success. Because I know that whatever happens I have the ability to view it as the success that I was expecting. I know that I am strong and capable and I don’t need to be coddled. I can do this. So there!
How do you manage expectations? Do you expect success?
I think I will too! Thank you! I really needed a pep talk today!
I think the key is to recognise success as fluid and subjective. Learning from your mistakes sets you up for success. Not allowing another person’s opinion (eg a busy agent, a rude publisher) to diminish your self-conviction is a huge success. Learning to readjust expectations is too. I think you have a great writing style, a lovely ease with language and a real soul. So in that sense, I think you’ve already succeeded. As for gaining the recognition you desire, remember that’s less in your hands and more down to serendipity. So, good luck
Oh please I think about this all the time. We are in exactly the same boat. I have three theories. First, we look for signs to affirm what we’re already feeling. For whatever reason you didn’t doubt your path as a lawyer. Now, you have doubts and you are looking to confirm or deny. Because as Type-A as I am, hell if I want to waste my time pursuing this for nothing. Which brings me to my 2nd point. We’ve been burned by the wrong path once already. No one wants to come up 5 years later going, why the hell did I ever pursue writing? That was dumb. So not a right fit for me.
The third is unrelated but potentially the most scary if true. This is a path we actually care about. There’s so much more at stake. I wanted to succeed in the law, but I never cared so deeply about the ‘hat’ of lawyer. Writing. Writing feels like everything I’ve ever wanted. Creative, inspiring, working with words, digging deep, touching people, flexible schedule, work from home (to have more time being a mom), the list goes on. I care so much more about this role than frankly I ever did as a lawyer.
What do you think?
Interesting… I have big time issues with success and failure. In my case, I think I was raised by parents who cared about my well-being and path in life so much that they instilled in me a sense of, “You WILL succeed!” Good intentions for sure. But I think with that I learned a fear of failure. Although I have worked hard at things I’ve always made rather practical life decisions. Traveled down the beaten path. So “succeeding” has been relatively easy. At this point in my life trying something completely new and unpredictable (after having never really failed at anything significant before) sounds REALLY scary. How could it not, right?
I share your thoughts and fears alike! Personally I came to think that being aware of issues like that is the first major step though on the way of breaking the old pattern. I just came across your blog by chance and it caught my attention instantly, so I guess that definitely is a success!
Success is incremental. Get a first draft of your book done. Small victory. Clean it up enough to show it to someone. Small victory. Learn to accept, filter, reject critiques. Small victory. Etc.
If you’re anything like most authors I know, your first book won’t bear a huge resemblance to your very first draft. So just have at it.
Also, I’ve found writerunboxed dot com (a collaborative site on the craft and business of writing) super helpful, both in terms of information and community.
Great insight! It is hard to not let our fears hold us back… but we have to remember “confidence is your best accessory!”