Tags
Body image, Bullying, Health, Mental health, Motherhood, Stella
If you follow Humans of New York (and even if you don’t) you’ve probably seen this. Stella, a young woman who has struggled with weight and been bullied for it all of her life, recently posted a picture of herself in bra and underwear on her tumblr, declaring, “THIS IS MY BODY, DEAL WITH IT”.
She then ran into Brandon from HONY, who did a portrait of her. She told him about her photo on tumblr and he posted it to the HONY Facebook page. As of this writing, it has 316,327 likes, 12,344 shares, and 32,471 comments. Many of them are positive, but, unsurprisingly given the trolls who command the internet, many of them are negative. The poor woman has been through a lot in the last 24 hours.
I don’t want to add to that burden. But I am going to post the picture here because I think it really helps to make the point I’m about to make, and because I know all of you are kind and wonderful people who will say nothing negative about her.
Stella’s picture and her story (she has trouble managing her weight because of PCOS) really touched me. As I got dressed this morning, I thought of Adeline. She sees me naked frequently and I think she can tell that I’m comfortable with my body. But that’s only one side of the equation. What if her body doesn’t end up looking exactly like mine? I still want her to be comfortable with it.
So this morning we sat down together and I showed her Stella’s picture. “Do you think she looks like mama?” I asked. Addie smiled her big smile, opened her eyes wide and said, “Yes!” To be clear, I’m 5’8″ and 125 pounds. Most adults in our culture would see our size differences first and foremost. But we also both have long brown hair, a bit of a sassy smile, and even more basically, two arms, two legs, eyes, ears, mouth and nose.
I had been prepared to talk to Addie about why we were similar even though we looked different, but Addie already thought we looked the same. I told her that Stella was a bit bigger than me, but that she was still beautiful and brave. Addie smiled and said, “Dat’s a girl.” (She’s very into gender right now.)
“She is a girl,” I told her. “Just like mama and just like you.” I tried to explain to her that some people had been mean to Stella because of her appearance, but that was silly because that doesn’t really matter. “Addie, appearance doesn’t matter, ok?” I started to cry a little, remembering the times I’ve been bullied, the times I’ve hated the way I look, thinking with fear of Addie facing the same thing.
“You ok mom?” She asked, her voice concerned. “Does’n madder.”
“That’s right,” I agreed. “It doesn’t matter.”
I don’t know how much she really understood. But we started the conversation. That’s the best I can do. Thank you Stella.
I have PCOS, and like Stella, experienced the onset when I was a little girl. Back in the 80′s no one knew about it, and PCOS little girls were unknowingly being plumped up and set up for a lifelong weight struggle. My mom used to tell me I should drink more water because it would help me lose weight (I was 8 years old). Then she fed me cheese-laden pasta casseroles!
It’s hard to explain to anyone that strict dieting and heavy exercise have minimal results. They think you are lying about your efforts, and making up excuses. The only way for one to have something like a normal metabolism (and reproductive cycle) is to be on drugs (like me). But then, if one is already much heavier than one wishes to be, the fight for fitness is a brutal journey even with the use of medication. Even so, anyone who strives to be healthy is automatically fit and beautiful!
Thanks for the great post on such a poignant topic!
Adeline for president 2048!
It certainly wasnt known well but I was diagnosed in 1985 and started educating on it years later!
Body image and self love are issues I think about a lot with my little girl, also named Stella.
I look a lot like this brave Stella who posted this image. I don’t have PCOS, I just come from a long line of curvy women and I have more interesting things to do than spend hours at the gym for little benefit. At nearly 40, I’ve made peace with the way I look – most days. But it is peace, not love. When I need to buy new clothes and can’t find anything that fits or is flattering, those days are harder. I am lucky to have a partner who thinks I am beautiful exactly the way I am. I have had partners who didn’t share his opinion. I have spent many years wishing I was different.
But when I watch my girl, totally at home in her body, unselfconscious, I want that for her, as long as I can help it to last. I want that for me, too. I want to protect her from other people’s opinions, but also I want her to help me to re-learn how to be at home in my body like she is, right now.
I have PCOS too- though it probably began in my mid-20s. Coupled with the steroids I took for Crohns, it was a double whammy. I have “fat” days just like everyone (even men) but I’ve always had a good body image- I have my Mom to thank for that. And Polish genes.
She’s a pretty lady! I hope she can forget the negative comments and zoom in on the positive ones. I wish you only the very best Stella!!
For anyone looking for more details about PCOS -Free pcos book at http://pcosinconnection.com/ then to the publication tab, its a free book online and dowloadable in the form of a pdf. I have been an educator and advocate on the subject for 24 years.Hope this helps!
awesome story, thank you for sharing! Makes me thankful for the pudges and bumps I have
This is a great story about Addie and the body and what is possible. We are creating a new world order. THank god.