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Forget about a Top Ten list, this could be a Top One Hundred list. A Top One Thousand list, even. But tonight, I want to focus on one thing in particular. Something that no one ever told me about before I had kids. Something that, frankly, wouldn’t have been so hard to just mention, right?

Specifically, no one warned me that by having kids I was setting myself up for a future case of Hand, Foot and Mouth disease. That’s right. Hand, Foot and Mouth disease.

Luckily for me, I don’t have it on my hands and feet. Just inside my mouth.

Oh. Wait.

Inside the mouth is the worst possible place to have it. I’ve been suffering for four days already. It feels like the entire inside of my mouth is severely burnt. Eating, swallowing, even talking is incredibly painful. And everything tastes like metal. Now that I’m on medicine, it’s getting a little better. It’s more annoying than excruciating. And instead of tasting metallic, everything is just completely flavorless. Which is…. awesome? A new fad diet?

Apparently with another week of medicine I’ll be cured. It will do no lasting damage. But still, I would have liked a warning. Just a little heads up, you know? To be fair, Adeline did have it a week ago and she tried to warn me. But “Mama, my tongue hurts!” seemed more like a ploy for ice cream than a legitimate complaint. Now that I’ve spent the last three nights eating more ice cream than I have in the last three years (I don’t really like ice cream) and sucking on ice chips, I feel like the worst mom ever. Turns out, her tongue really did hurt.

So here’s me doing my part. Watch out for Hand, Foot and Mouth disease. If your kid complains that her tongue hurts, for the love of god, give her some ice cream! And don’t kiss her. Whatever you do, just don’t kiss her.

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