I sit on the floor in the Kids’ Bedding aisle at Target, nearly in tears. Pink and purple and flowers and butterflies and polka dots to my left, green and blue and orange and bulldozers and dinosaurs and ships to my right. We’re here to buy bedding for Adeline’s new big girl bed, which will arrive tomorrow. And I’m realizing that my efforts to practice gender-neutral parenting have succeeded: Adeline wants the bulldozer sheets. So why am I crying?
New sheets. Current bed.
Why, indeed. Let’s start with the simplest reason: I don’t like the bulldozer sheets. They don’t go with the rest of her room, which I’ve carefully and thoughtfully decorated over the last two years. And personally, I just think they’re ugly. But what right have I to decorate her room? What does it matter what I think of the sheets? These are her sheets and it’s her room. If she likes them, that’s all that matters. My personal aesthetics be damned.
But I want her to like the things that I like! This divergence in our tastes is just another outward sign that she will separate from me, more and more as time goes by, one day slipping away from me entirely. Shit. Even the aesthetics point wasn’t simple.
And it only gets more complicated from here. I show her a set of sheets from the girl side of the aisle, something relatively tasteful: purple, light green and yellow polka dots on a white background. “What about these?” I ask her. She considers for a moment, looking at me instead of the sheets. Shit. Am I influencing her to pick something she doesn’t want? “Or if you like the bulldozer sheets better, let’s get those.” She runs back across the aisle. “Bulldozers!” Her voice couldn’t be more certain. OK, I tell myself, just get the bulldozer sheets.
But what if the only reason she wants the bulldozer sheets is because in my effort to be gender-neutral, I’ve over-emphasized the boy things? Dear god, this is just getting more and more confusing. Whenever she shows any interest in the Disney Princess stuff I very clearly discourage her from liking it. (Because those over-sexualized, disgusting, fake-looking, women-girls have absolutely nothing to do with any reality, boy, girl, gender-neutral or otherwise.) But I did buy her a baby doll (2!) and mini stroller and grocery cart and play kitchen, in addition to dinosaurs, cars and trucks, legos, art supplies, and playdoh. I really am trying to be gender neutral, letting her play with whatever interests her. But maybe my discouragement of the Princess stuff has made her feel like all “girly” stuff is off limits. Maybe I’ve made her believe that all girl things are inferior.
This is when I’m at risk of crying. Have I ruined my daughter?? I try to call my husband to have him tell me that I’m being crazy, but he can’t talk. Too busy at work. Just buy the goddamn bulldozer sheets, I tell myself again. This isn’t rocket science.
I’m still trying to convince myself that this is what she wants. I think of her clothes. All the ones that I bought her before she started deciding for herself are girly. Because the truth is, despite my attempts to be gender-neutral, I really do like pink. I really do like the cute girl clothes. And all the boy clothes are just so BOY. If I wanted to get tasteful gender-neutral clothes, I’d have to go to a boutique and spend $80 on a shirt that she’ll wear for six months and probably cover in ketchup within ten minutes. I’m not willing to do that. I want the cheap clothes. And the issue of why cheap clothes are so incredibly gendered while parents who want to buy gender-neutral clothes have to be able and willing to spend massive amounts of money really deserves an entire post of its own. One that would talk about our society: our classism, our sexism, supply and demand, why certain parents really do want highly gendered clothes, toys, bedding, etc., and how hard it is to get out from under the culture you were raised in. But this is not that post.
So anyway. She has a lot of girly clothes. But since she started picking out some of her own things, her clothes are more varied. An adorable black and white striped shirt with a gold glittery heart (girl aisle), a bright blue shirt with a dinosaur skeleton (boy aisle), purple gloves (girl aisle), an Elmo T-shirt (boy aisle), a red Cars-themed hat (boy aisle). Her favorite toy is her Dino, a brachiosaurus. But she sometimes plays with her babydoll and she loves pushing around the stroller. OK, I tell myself. She has varied interests. I haven’t unduly influenced her.
Boy hat. Girl coat.
I take a deep breath. I call her over and hold up the polka dots and the bulldozers. “Which one do you like better?” Because apparently her repeated shout of “Bulldozers!” the entire time we’ve been here wasn’t enough. I need to hear it one more time. And she says it. “Bulldozers!”
So we buy the ugly bulldozer sheets. And I don’t even cry.
Yes, yes, yes. All of it, except I was too afraid to resist the Disney shit b/c I was afraid I would drive her right to it. It’s confusing and so hard. The bulldozer sheets are good mothering– you are doing so right by her.
I think you are doing good. It’s nice that you let her choose what she likes rather than forcing her into liking something. I do disagree on discouraging her from liking the Disney princess stuff. From what I’ve seen, all little girls want to be princesses, and they are too young to know the stuff that you pointed out about it, but that’s something that they learn as they get older. Maybe if she were more interested in the Disney stuff, you both would have gone home with the polka dots! hahaha. But that’s just my opinion! Girls want to be princesses, boys want to be Batman and Superman (or whatever little boys are into!)
Do not think hard on your self. What I learn from my two daughters (4 yo and 2 yo) is that children can really decide what they want and like, although we as parents really need to be extra careful on what the children choose. And aside from their parents, children learn from many other sources. My daughters loves playing car so much, which is something I never encourage consciously, in which I am glad they do! and that’s because my husband’s boss give one of them a car toy.
I usually stand in not encouraging the gender aspect, but more on paying attention on what they like, while discouraging aspects that are “not beneficial” in my views, such as Disney’s Princess or barbie dolls. But, we cannot control other people around us. Their grandparents preferences for my children clothes are pinky, ruffly, and disney princess! in turn, I provided the children with more simple, practical clothes such as shirts, overall, etc. just to keep it balance.
Gender neutral parenting can be tricky. I found with my daughter, I was pushing the “boy things” over the “girl things,” while everyone else was buying her pink and purple. Then I had my son, still trying to be gender neutral, and came to the realization that things need to not be catagorized. A doll is not a girl toy, rather a child’s toy. My daughter loves to play monster trucks just as much as she plays with her horses. My son is just as willing to play Barbie with his sister as he is to build with the Legos. All toys, with the exception of one or two favorites, are in the play room, to be shared equally. They are able to pick their own clothes. My son has never picked girly clothes, but my daughter has a mixture. Which as a bonus, some get handed down to my son. I find as she gets older, she is choosing girl clothes. She claims the boys’ clothes are dull and boring. I agree with the Disney princess! Although I never discouraged her from watching them, I never pushed them either. Her favorite one is Mulan, which I’m not sure if she is considered a princess, but makes proud.
I too hate the princess stuff. I like the pink and crazy girly stuff while also liking the cute patterns of monkeys, ducks, etc on boy onesies. Most of my girls’ clothes are hand-me-downs but I bought the occasional outfit for EB that would be gender neutral in case my 2nd ended up being a boy (she wasn’t). Now I let EB pick out what she wants to wear for the day and it’s usually pink, or covered in cupcakes. I think as long as you gave options, she’s just expressing her tastes. I had hoped her obsession would be with sock monkeys but that just didn’t stick. At least I have a baby that might be swayed by all of the sock monkey paraphernalia…
I think you’re doing a great job and letting her make her own decisions is going to create a far more lasting impression of your support for her decisions when they’re much bigger and badder than sheets with bulldozers. The key is, those are the sheets and in a week or two, if (not that she will, but if) she changes her mind, that was the decision she made and that’s what she lives with.
I can’t help but wondering if we’re pushing gender-neutral parenting on our kids because they are girls…would we emphasize it as much if they were boys? Perhaps part of wanting to be gender neutral is that women feel we still live in a male dominated world and we want to think we can do what men do. Which we can. But, there are differences between sexes and whether we like it or not there are social norms. I’m ok if Kate likes bulldozers (I had Tonka trucks and was a tomboy) but would I be ok if a son liked princesses? Would I be concerned he was gay? Somehow I feel its reverse sexism. And honestly, yes you reaped what was sown. But hey, isn’t that all parenting?
this is obviously an old conversation, but i just wanted to point out that no, i am not interested in gender neutral parenting for only girls. i feel very strongly about it regardless of the external parts a child of mine might have. i think the point is not that girls can act/dress like boys and boys like girls, rather the point is that they can express themselves free of stereotypes and social norms and define gender on their own terms and time, and that parents can support that discovery instead of consciously or subconsciously gearing them to fit into one of two socially acceptable gender roles.
yes there are social norms but our jobs are not to make sure our kids conform to them. our jobs are to make sure that we support our kids and help them find their happiness. and that may be far from any societal norm.
Introduce them to your preferences, heck they live with you, it’s unavoidable, but let them discover their own preferences and honor their choices which you seem to be doing. Explore as much as you can with your child. It helps you grow, too. The world is a beautiful and varied place. American culture is rich and diverse. It should be sampled and tried on. Not everything is taken in or becomes a part of you. I believe this is how we learn tolerance and acceptance. Sampling gives us a chance to have something in common with a stranger and can build bridges of communication and understanding.
If your issues with princess clothes is a marketing issue or unrealistic portrayal of women, like Barbie dolls (personal shudder), that is a conversation that can wait until your child is older and can understand it. Princess clothes are fun and pretty to children when they are young. Bulldozers and trucks are familiar shapes and brightly colored which young children also prefer.
Gender-neutrality is more difficult for boys than girls as liz has mentioned.
Gender assignment to objects and colors is an adult thing. Congratulations to you for overcoming your personal opinions and buying the bulldozer sheets.
Yes, we reap what we sow.
I just have to point out that my son has a blue shirt with a dino skeleton on it too and it’s one of his favorites!! It’s such a cute shirt. Also, his first favorite stuffy was a brachiosaurus named Dino. How funny!
I think you’re doing a great job letter her be who she wants to be. Did you get two sets? We bought two sets when Nathan went into his bed in case of accidents or what have you. Could you get the bulldozers and then something you like more? Just a suggestion.
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I love this post. I’m not a mother, but I could feel how you felt and the spontaneity of your child, too. I was definitely a girly girl growing up, but my mom raised me and my sister in a manner that made us feel our interests, likes and decisions were important, too. I think that’s the best. Yay ugly bulldozers!