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Remember during election season* when there was that whole flap about stay-at-home-moms and how hard being a mom is and how being a mom is the most important job in the world and blah, blah, blah? And neither side really came out a winner and everyone was kind of left with a bad taste in their mouth? People talked about daycare and working moms and maternity leave and the importance of raising kids well. People even talked about how politicians are out of touch.
And yet. At the time, I felt like there was something else about it that bothered me – something that no one was really talking about. But I couldn’t put my finger on it.
I just realized:
Who gives a shit?
I don’t really care if it’s hard or important or whatever. It happens to be MY choice, my life, my ‘job’. Why does any politician’s opinion on the merits of my choice have ANY bearing on my life? Why do a bunch of old men get to stand up in front of the country and speak in platitudes about being a mother?
Here’s what it is that really bothers me: the implication that my choice of what to do with my life is somehow anyone else’s, let alone the country’s, business. The implication that every single one of us should have a job that contributes to the growth of GDP or, if not that, then it better contribute to the “moral” growth of our country. If it just happens to be something that makes me happy, that’s not good enough. We are, apparently, all in this together, and we all have to pull our weight. Well you know what? Count me out of your collective. I’m sick of being treated like a commodity. My family makes the choices that work for us, and we take care of ourselves. And we don’t need anyone’s judgment about it. Not our neighbor’s, not our president’s.
Being a mother is hard. Really. Fucking. Hard. It’s also the most amazing thing I’ve ever done. It makes me feel that my life has meaning in a way that it never did before. It’s made me question everything about my life and it’s given me the strength to make some huge changes. And let’s be honest, I do happen to think it’s pretty damn important.
But the fact that anyone thinks they have a right to analyze my choice – to debate the merits of it, the “value” of it, the worth of it – makes my blood boil. It’s not a “job” – it’s my life. Get over it.
* Yes, I realize I’m way behind on this. Sometimes things have to simmer for a long time before I get the inspiration for a post.
I whole-heartedly agree. Choosing to care for your child is one of the biggest commitments, especially for women, like yourself, who worked a career outside of the home prior to. It’s a huge adjustment a lot of people fail to see. Plus, you are contributing because you’re raising a child that one day will be an adult and may choose to “contribute to the GDP (god-damned politicians?)” or the “moral” growth of the country. Just like the citizens of our country have the freedom to choose where to work and what profession they want without the country choosing to have an opinion over it, why shouldn’t it be the same for a woman or man to choose to raise a child? In my eyes, that’s a huge contribution.
I don’t play that game, either. I do what I do because it’s working right now. When it’s not, we’ll do something different.
It’s funny how people get worked up in defending their choices. As if those choices sanctify us in some way.
Well said. Why do we talk about this in such a vapid way? Why does anyone care so much about my choices when it’s nobody’s business.
I respectfully disagree. I get your point of view, and in many ways I share it personally. But there are a lot of women out there who are not in our position – in stable marriages with plenty of career promise despite derailing our elite legal track. These women may believe that raising their children is truly important work and try to take 5 years off, but when they go back in front of the male driven work force, they are met with stares of “what have you been doing?” as if they were sitting at home and eating bon bons for half a decade.
Feminism has done so much to raise the equality of women, but mothers have been rendered worthless. It’s not right, and I want dumbass politicians – and everyone else – up there saying it until it becomes true. Goddamn it, I am a productive member of society and I demand to be treated as such.
The general public needs to value the institution of motherhood – if not for me, then for the sake of my daughter. So that she may have more choices than I did, to either on/off ramp her career or to have a flexible work environment (unlike like when I asked my last job to work 3 days a week to care for my young children and they weren’t sure why I should be entitled to 2 days “off” a week). It may be a personal choice but it is a societal problem.
Sorry, I hit reply instead of comment – this wasn’t for you outlawmama, it was a general response!!
It’s a commitment. Not a job. A job you get paid for and can run away from at the end of the day
What a great post, thanks you for sharing. I recently became a stay at home dad and never truly understood what my wife meant when she said it was a full time job until I was in her shoes (sadly and truthfully, I didn’t see it as a difficult thing to do – my mind has quickly changed). In the position I previously held, I was the boss and when I had to lay down the law, no questions were asked. It’s not as easy with a 6 year old when they are determined and have their own opinion. My wife and I just read a great book I’d like to share with other parents called “Teaching Kids to Be Good People” by Annie Fox, M.Ed. You can check her and the book out on the website http://www.anniefox.com/. It’s a wonderful read and I’d recommend it to anyone. Thanks again for the post, and I truly believe that chosing to stay home and raise your children is just as, if not more important of a decision to make as chosing to go outside of the home to work.
With respect, I think that, in order for women to be ABLE to make the same choice as many of us have (by being financially stable, or not ‘shut out’ of work, or for any other reason), those old men HAVE to get up and speak in platitudes in front of the whole country. Debates HAVE to take place – on employment protection for women on maternity leave, on financial (and other) support for families, on childcare, etc etc… If they don’t, then my fear is that the choice you talk about won’t be a real choice for many women.
I must say I didn’t follow the details of such debates in the US elections so don’t know precisely what points were being made by those politicians (I’m sure you’re right, and much of it was blah blah blah!). I speak only from the point of view of a mum who – thanks to UK employment laws – is able to take a year off work to care for my children without fear of losing my job and with some (albeit not much) financial assistance during that time. I know that such a benefit has only arisen through endless parliamentary debates on the subject (frustrating as they may be at the time!). Further debates need to take place, at least in the UK, regarding the way women are treated should they choose to return to work after a few years, for example. It’s a bit like turning a huge ship though – it takes time (and a lot of people sticking their oar in!).
I agree, we shouldn’t judge. However, many families don’t have the “choice”- both parents (or a single parent) have to work to support the family. And I think something has to be debated to urge our leaders to rethink maternity (or paternity) leave, the importance of breastfeeding (for example, Obamacare just manadate insurance companies to cover breast pumps!), etc.