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1. Sleep – the baby’s and mine.
I wasn’t blogging when Addie was an infant, so there are no desperate posts I can link to to prove it, but Adeline was a terrible sleeper. From the very beginning. Literally, the beginning. You know how the first day or so the baby is supposed to just sleep all the time, nature’s way of letting the mother rest from labor and delivery? Yeah, Addie never did that. Within hours of birth she was crying – no, screaming – if she was anywhere but in my arms. So we slept together. Which would have been fine if that was all it took. But within a few weeks it got even worse: during the day and in the middle of the night, she would cry for HOURS at a time and nothing could soothe her. Not breastfeeding, not changing her diaper, not walking around singing and rocking. Until we discovered the exercise ball. The only thing that worked was to sit on that damn ball for hours and bounce her up and down. And even when we did get her to sleep on her own, it didn’t get much better. For months and months she would wake up every 45 minutes ALL NIGHT LONG. I didn’t get into REM sleep for months. I was seriously a zombie. I don’t know if I can do it again.
Hours after birth
We did so much work to get Adeline to sleep well, and now it’s nearly perfect. She sleeps through the night unless something is wrong, usually eleven sometimes twelve hours. I can put her to bed, spend a few hours writing or reading or watching tv, and still know that I’ll get a good amount of sleep. And now that’s all about to end.
I’m telling myself that the chances of having another colicky baby are slim. I’m telling myself that everyone says second babies are just calmer and easier. I’m telling myself that even if it is bad, it won’t be such a shock to my system because I’ve been there before. I’m telling myself that I’ll know I made it through once before and I know it ends. I’m telling myself it will be okay. But honestly, I’m terrified.
something she never actually did
2. Sleep – Adeline’s
Even if the baby is easier than Adeline was, the baby will still wake up crying in the middle of the night. Will it wake Addie up? And if so, what will I do? How the hell do you deal with a screaming baby who needs to be breastfed and a crying toddler who just wants her mama?
Not to mention, what the hell do you do at bedtime and naptime? How do you put two kids to sleep at the same time? I realize people do this all the time so I’m sure I’ll figure it out. But I don’t like the unknown. I want to understand NOW. Before the baby comes.
3. Adeline’s reaction
Adeline is a mama’s girl. It’s pretty severe. She loves her daddy, but she still prefers to spend all her time with me. She likes me to hold her all the time. She wants me to carry her whenever we walk somewhere. She likes me to sit and play with her.
I’m a little concerned how she’s going to respond to the baby. Or more particularly, how she’s going to rsepond to me spending most of my time with the baby. If we’re walking into the grocery store from the car, I’ll be carrying the baby – I won’t be able to carry her. If the baby needs to breastfeed, I’ll have to sit and do it, I won’t be able to play with Adeline. (Or maybe I can do both?) The point is, I just don’t know how I’m going to do it all and I don’t know how she’s going to respond when I can’t.
4. Travel
Travel with one kid is enough of a hassle. A pain in the ass, really. All that extra stuff to pack. Dealing with her antics in the airport. Buying her another seat and trying desperately to entertain her during the flight. Figuring out sleeping arrangements in the hotel. Rearranging plans around nap times. Ugh.
I can only imagine what it will be like with two. I love travel and I’ve missed the freedom of traveling the way I used to. That freedom is nowhere near returning. And that sucks.
5. No bodily autonomy
There was a period of several months with Adeline where I was in physical contact with her for at LEAST 20 hours a day. We slept together. She napped in my arms. We spent hours breastfeeding. And don’t forget the hours bouncing on that f*cking exercise ball.
I loved cuddling with her, but I also like my personal space. I’m a little terrified of going through that phase again: where the only “alone” time I have is the three minutes I spend in the shower, singing and talking the whole time so the baby knows I’m still there. I know it lasts such a short time. I know I’ll miss those newborn moments when they’re gone. But I’m still terrified.
This doesn’t even get into all the sibling rivalry, need for a mini-van, two college fund issues. Right now I can’t see past having a toddler and a newborn at the same time.
So parents of two, I could use a little reassurance. Either specific advice in response to any of my fears. Or just general “It will be ok” type advice. Bring it on!
My sons are nineteen months apart. My eldest was a colicky, screaming non-sleeper. My second slept through the night at six weeks. I used to read to my toddler while I nursed the baby, keeping a basket of books by my side. The toddler was also a wonderful fetcher of diapers and wipes. I loved having my sons so close in age!
I love the idea of having the toddler help out with the baby! Nineteen months is so close – sometimes I wish mine would be closer. Oh well!
Well you already know my thoughts on this but I don’t think I knew Addie was as bad as my first. I feel your pain. It’s a crazy period no matter how easy (or hard) it is, but it feels like it goes SO much faster the second time. Before you know it, you’ll be wanting four like me!
I already want three, so I totally get it
I have answers to all of your fears, having had 4. Totally understand you.
1) I had the same problem difficulty with my first, which made the second seem like a piece of cake. I honestly believe now in retrospect that I just didn’t properly know how to burb the baby the first time around, which is why the second was so much easier, but who knows. Starting with the second my biggest fear was leaving them sleeping somewhere because they were so quiet!
2) I had my second (and third and fourth) child sleep with me, with the sibling in another room, until the new baby was old enough to want to sleep on their own (when that happened varied based on the baby and how often they needed to nurse during the night). So much easier to nurse at night – less sleep lost – if the baby is right there in bed with you. Added benefit is that the toddler doesn’t wake up.
3) My oldest 2 were only 16 months apart and I lived in fear that child one would poke child 2′s eyes out. It didn’t happen. There were moments when I had to tend to one and leave the other crying but those were emergency situations (memory of child 1 having a bleeding gash in her lip and laying child 2 in the crib to tend to her). Before you know it they will be playmates and your life will be easier, I promise!! This baby is a gift to Adeline, it’ll just take a little time for her to realize it.
4) You’re much less of a slave to naptime with the second because you don’t always have the luxury of time. And baby 2 adapts. I traveled with them all early since my family is all out of state. If you’re experienced you can do this no problem.
5) Sorry – got nothing for you there. I still struggle to find time alone. Just part of being a mom!
If you ever need anything, have questions, you know how to find me!! It’s going to be fine!!
Ah! Amazing comment – thank you so much! I actually have had the same thought about Addie sometimes: that maybe I just didn’t know how to burp her well enough. But if so, I haven’t gotten any better. Maybe I need someone to give me a lesson when baby #2 arrives…
You can breastfeed and play. We do lots of reading, too, while I am breastfeeding. And Sadie wasn’t colicky. Sometimes simon wakes sadie up and I get really f*cking upset and growly, but it’s not all the time. I have no idea how your experience will be and I bet some of it will suck and some of it will be sublime. Big shifts are hard and wonderful. Don’t make me say my new word : Harderful. Sadie bonded with Jeff like crazy when Simon was born. They were already close, but he had to take over so much with her b/c I was nursing and with Simon. It’s pretty cool to see her relationship with Jeff.
It will be so, so harderful.
I hope Addie and David get closer. She’s such a mama’s girl right now and it would be really nice to see her get to be more of a daddy’s girl. But of course, then I’d miss her and regret it…
It’ll be ok! My kids are 3 1/2 years apart. My first child sounds alot like Addie with the sleeping, or non-sleeping, and being carried everywhere. She cried all the time and didn’t sleep through the night till she was 2. When I was pregnant with the second, my mother said, “It’ll be alright. You won’t get two like that.” And she was right. Second one slept well, from the begining. He was content anywhere, from in my arms to on a blanket on the floor. One piece of advice I received before the second was born: Stop carrying Addie so much. I carried my daughter everywhere. Someone told me to slowly, while I was pregnant, get her used to walking on her own. This way she will not blame baby #2 for you not being able to do it, plus when you’re 8/9 months pregnant, it may not be an option. It will be one less thing Addie has to adjust to after baby arrives, sinces there will be many new things for her to adjust to, and she will adjust. Hopefully, she’ll also want to be a big helper! After bringing the second one home, my daughter woke up the first few nights, when he would cry, but soon started sleeping right through all the extra noise. Bringing home baby #2 will be an adjustment for everyone, but I think you’ll find everything works out just fine!
I’ve already been trying to get Addie to walk more, but I think maybe that’s just making her more clingy… But maybe as I get bigger she’ll be able to see that I really can’t hold her so much and it will make more sense to her. Thanks!
Here’s a plus… at some point, they will be able to play together. And that will be golden.
I’m asking myself the same questions because we’re right now “working on” the 2nd one. With my newborn son I sometimes spent hours on the sofa not dearing to move, scared he might wake up. I didn’t eat enough because I didn’t manage to cook and care at the same time. He luckily was not a cry-baby and slept through the night at 2 months (which he ended when he turned 15 months, hello family-bed!) but still I had the same worries about showering etc. What I already realized: The 2nd child has to adapt real quickly and you won’t worry that much anymore because you’ve been through it and you just won’t have the time! That’s what I see when I look at my friends with two small kids. The bigger one HAS to be in daycare in time, although the infant needs to be fed/is tired/… I plan to carry the 2nd one more and I plan to involve my son as much as I can. Let him get the bottle, the diaper, the toy, cuddle the baby. And in terms of jealousy: I hope I manage to spend “quality time” with Anton without the baby as much as I can. Nice plans, huh? Probably everything turns out different anyways
It will be OK!!
I had ALL those worries and, honestly? It’s turned out fine. More than fine, in fact. My son was a bit older than Adeline will be I think (he was three and a half), but every mum I know with two kids under 3 have said how much easier it is the second time round (and third, fourth and fifth times it’s a doddle!). Much of it must come from the fact that you are so much more chilled out with your second time – they fit into your life instead of your whole life changing to accommodate them. That has to rub off on the kids, I think.
One tip I found really helped was making sure that breastfeeding time was bonding time for both kids, not just the baby – my son would get his favourite books and we’d sit and read, or look at photos on the laptop, or sing nursery rhymes together. I was really worried that he’d feel excluded given the enormous amount of time I would be feeding the new baby, but he really didn’t.
Good luck!
As a mother of two…I must say everything changed w/the second one..not all for the good either. But I did learn a thing or two about private/personal time. Make sure you give yourself that…your kids will be glad you did it. The kids are amazingly adaptable. Include your older child in as much as you can with the little one. They will be closer and you will give them each due time. Best advice: don’t sweat the small stuff. They will thrive just knowing (inherently) that you’re doing the best you can. You’re already doing an amazing job.
It will all work out! I know it’s so scary, but it will, I promise. Honestly, when my second was very little I found it to be the easiest point of parenting overall. Crazy right? My first was colicky and never slept and had to be held and my second slept like a dream. He slept all the time. I didn’t really believe that babies did that. You figure it out as you go along, just like you did the first time, and you do whatever works best. I’ve had an easier time taking time for myself with the second because I now know they don’t self-destruct if you leave them for an hour. The nights will work out, Addie will become more of a Daddy’s girl and it will be good. Oh and a friend of my mother’s gave me advice about the nursing. Have something special for Addie when you nurse the baby, that she can only do during that time. It can be a toy, a DVD, something she likes, so that that time is special for her too.
Bri was a dream! After finding she was allergic to iron in any significant amount, she was super easy. Slept through the night by 5 weeks(7 hours) wake up to feed then slept another 3 hours with various little naps through out the day. Billy was collicky and refused sleep. He did not sleep through out the night until he was 2 and by that I mean til a least 4am. yes 4am. Sometimes I would get lucky and it would be 5am…lucky. This only happened after I realized that skipping naps meant no midnight wake up calls. So Billy stopped napping at 2. Even now he’s up by 6-6:30a. Bri still needs 11-12 hours sleep to function. Billy needs less. Babies are different.
So Bri is the sleeper. She was 3 1/2 when Bill was born. His constant waking and crying didn’t affect her much. Now Billy is a sleeper, not much wakes him either. Not thunder(unless it’s a loud crack that wakes even his dad), not dropped dishes, not loud music. It’s surprising what a kid can sleep through. Adeline’s has city noises at night, so I assume she is used to commotion. If you’re worried, get a noise machine for her. Constant white noise means it’s less likely for an outburst from baby to jar Adeline.
Every mother worries about an older siblings response to the new baby. Boys tend not to care (so I’ve been told by everyone who had the boy first.) Girls are super helpful. Bri was “can I get Billy a blankey, Mama? A diaper? A bottle? A binky?…” Some are a little jealous and clingy. Think of how Adeline reacts when another child has a toy she’d like to play with. What happens when you explain that she’ll have to wait her turn? These might be similar to how she will react to sharing you with baby. Sure there might be some tantrums or “off” moments, but so goes life and she will learn, you will learn, everyone will deal and be happy in the end. Make sure you schedule “Adeline time”. Have your husband or a sitter take baby for an hour or two once a week while you enjoy one on one time with Adeline at the park, for a lunch date, or whatever your favorite things to do together are. Same with your husband, at least once a month he should take her for a special night of dinner, and ice cream, or to see a movie(she’s getting close to the age where she might sit for most of one). She will cherish these times forever and it will help keep your bond strong with her.
I didn’t travel much when my children were super little. I’m unable to comment there.
Just like scheduling Adeline time, schedule Sara time. At least once a week. One hour, maybe two can be amazing. Sometimes, it’s as simple as going to the grocery solo. Of course, grab a coffee or other special treat while you are out. Schedule time for a girls night every few months. And date night at least once a month. The bottom line here is that no mother has “me time” unless they plan for it. Unless you hire a nanny or an opare.
You’re going to be fine, Adeline is going to be fine. Life will be different, you will adapt.
My mother had three kids. Her words of wisdom to any mom worried about handling her second child was always: “You’re never given more children than you can handle. Two is an adjustment but after that you can add any number of children successfully.”
She also always told me that planning “Me Time” at least once a month was necessary to maintain sanity and date nights once a month will also help.
Bottom line, everyone will turn out just fine. It’s true. We all survived.
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Clearly I have no actual advice since I haven’t gone through this. But my experience with colicky Ruby sounds really similar to what you described here. When I even think about having another baby (one day) I worry about all the same stuff. So this is what I think I would tell myself… It won’t go perfectly. There will be some really rough times. It will be difficult for you and Adeline. But whatever happens will be totally okay. You will remain a great mom. Adeline and the new baby will know they’re loved. You’ll survive. Everything will be okay.
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