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Category Archives: Mindfulness

13 Strategies for Coping with a Two-Year-Old

20 Wednesday Mar 2013

Posted by in Children, Family, Gentle Parenting, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Motherhood, Parenting, Toddlers

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There’s something looming on the horizon that I’ve been trying not to think about. But it’s time to face the facts: today is Adeline’s last day of school until April 1. Next week is Spring Break. That means five days in a row of just me and Addie, home alone together.

You guys, that’s terrifying.

I mean, I love my daughter more than I could possibly express, but she has definitely entered the terrible twos. Normally she goes to school three days and Thursday and Friday it’s just us. Usually by Friday night I’m ready to stab my eyes out. Five days is going to be hard.

(I can’t even begin to say how amazed I am by moms who are home full time, all day, every day with a two year old. It’s really more than can be expected of any human.)

Four years ago I started doing DBT – Dialectical Behavior Therapy. (I know this seems unrelated, but stick with me.) Instead of endless psychotherapy analyzing how your parents fucked you up and how hard high school was and just why you decided to stop eating, it’s focused on skills. Each week there are lessons that teach a variety of different skills to help you learn how to effectively deal with acute distress, long-term emotional problems, and interpersonal relationships. It was probably one of the more amazing things that has ever happened to me.

Honestly, I think the world would be a better place if everyone had to do DBT. But in truth, it was designed for people with serious drug and alcohol addictions, with eating disorders, with other serious self-destructive behaviors or severe mental health issues.

It’s amazing how often I use my DBT skills to deal with the serious disorder of having a child, particularly a two-year-old.

So today, in preparation for the beginning of operation Spring Break, I’m brushing up on my DBT skills and making a list of coping strategies: Continue reading »

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How to Get Past Writer’s Block and Release Your Creativity

21 Wednesday Nov 2012

Posted by in Creative Writing, Mindfulness, NaNoWriMo, Writing

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There’s a special place where the writing just flows. It comes through you and it’s the best you can do to merely keep up with it, getting it all down as quickly as you can. The sentences come pre-formed; you never struggle to find that perfect word. Call it being in the zone, feeling the flow, whatever you want. It’s a special place.

And then there are other times. When you stare at your computer and you can’t think of a single word to write. When every sentence you type is clunky and stupid and you wonder, what’s the point? Temporary writer’s block, a dead zone, whatever. It’s ugly.

So how do you get from that ugly place to that special place? How do you release your creativity and get over writer’s block?

Don’t let this scare you!

After writing a novel in just over five weeks, I learned a lot about how to get myself into the zone. And the best thing I can think to do with that knowledge is share it with you. Enjoy! Continue reading »

A Month of Gratitude (Part II)

15 Thursday Nov 2012

Posted by in Baby, Blogging, Children, Family, Gratitude, Mindfulness, Parenting, Pensive Moments, Photography, Photos, Writing

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I’m continuing my daily gratitude with another week’s worth of entries.

(Also, I’m thisclose to being done with a first draft of my book. Which is a-MAZ-ing and which is why I haven’t been blogging as much. When it’s done, I’ll come back and tell you all about it.)

Day 7

I’m thankful for Inspiration.

Day 8

I’m grateful for dinner out with friends. There’s nothing quite like enjoying amazing food and drinks with intelligent, witty and supercool people. What a great night! (Not to mention, it was free! It doesn’t get much better than that!)

eating gold

a walk through the woods

oysters. and other stuff.

Day 9

I’m grateful for videos. It was a late night last night and I had a little too much to drink. By this evening I was dying for Addie’s bedtime to come already. The ability to lay on the couch while she watched a couple videos was the only thing that saved me. And also, I’m grateful for first world problems :)

Day 10

Today I’m grateful for the contrast of light shining through darkness. Adeline, hiding in the curtains, pulling them back to reveal herself and bringing with her the hazy, bright light of the new morning, casting its spell on our dim bedroom. Hitting my eyes and waking me up: to the day, to her beauty, to life. Thank you.

Day 11

I’m grateful for eating lunch outside in the middle of November. It’s a bit windy, but other than that it’s sunny and warm and beautiful. Amazing! I’m also grateful that I forgot my phone, so I really and truly spent the whole time interacting with Adeline and just being present in the moment. Now that is a gift!

Day 12

I’m grateful that it got dark at 4:30. The shorter days herald a new season, one filled with warm scarves and the magic of seeing your breath as it steams up the cold air. A season for spending more time at home, cuddled up on the couch, wrapped in a soft blanket. A season that brings with it the holidays, when we’ll spend more time with family, carrying on traditions that I’ve enjoyed since childhood. I miss the sun, but that’s a lot to be thankful for. (Still though… wouldn’t 5:30 be early enough for it to get dark? Couldn’t we just do away with this whole “Fall Back” thing?)

Day 13

Today I’m grateful for the mpg meter on my car’s dashboard. Seriously. I love being able to look down and see how many miles per gallon I’m getting at any moment, and what my average is over a given trip. I like how it reminds me to drive more gently. And let’s be honest, I like trying to get that number as high as I can get it.

Sometimes, friends, it’s the little things in life.

Day 14

I’m grateful for my husband, David. He is a caring, compassionate and generous man, and he works his ass off. Being stuck at work until midnight every night for weeks is brutal and I can’t thank him enough for all that he does for our family. Thank you sweetie!

Day 15

Today I’m grateful for the simple, but profound, fact of being. Two years ago today, I pushed Adeline out into the world and we welcomed her in all of her squirmy, wriggly, gooey goodness. In two years I have watched her blossom into a being who will (and already does) brighten the world. When I think that she might not exist (if, for example, we had waited a few more months to get pregnant) I almost cannot fathom it. Sure, we would have another child who we would also love, but how could the world go on without sweet, wonderful Adeline?

And, of course, the same applies for myself, my family, my friends, and everyone who has ever and will ever exist: our existence is an event of such imponderable randomness, it’s almost impossible to believe. We are all, every single one of us, so incredibly lucky that we have entered into a state of being. Everything else is just icing on the cake. Today, celebrate being.

Newborn Adeline

Adeline at the museum this morning

A Month of Gratitude

06 Tuesday Nov 2012

Posted by in Gratitude, Mindfulness, Personal Growth

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In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’m making November an entire month of giving thanks. Every day, I post on Facebook one thing that I’m grateful for. And, more importantly, I try to practice gratitude all day, for all things.

Every week or so, I’ll share those posts here. (Apologies to my Facebook friends who have already seen this.)

Day 1

I’m thankful for pillow fights with my daughter. She gets more fun every day and today we were laughing so hard that my cheeks hurt. I haven’t laughed that way in a long time and I want to do it much more often. It made my heart hurt it was so wonderful. Continue reading »

40 Before 40

31 Wednesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Personal Growth

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Hey guys, I’m 30.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

OK, got that out. Seriously though, I’m liking this decade so far. (Meaning, the less than three weeks of it I’ve experienced.) And I have some big plans. I wrote and started working on my 30 Before 30 list six months before I turned 30. I didn’t have much time for any really grand achievements. This time, I have ten years. I can accomplish a hell of a lot in ten years.

So here is my 40 Before 40 list. It may change. I’m open to modifying the list as I grow and evolve. But here’s where I’m starting. I think it’s going to be an amazing and utterly fantastic ten years. Life is good!! Continue reading »

Expecting Success

10 Wednesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Writing

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When I was young (meaning, up until about five years ago), I expected success. Everything I did, I expected to succeed. And I did! I did well in school, I got into a good college (even though I ultimately didn’t go there), I got into a good law school, I got a good job. In truth, I had failures throughout that time, too. I didn’t get into the best college I applied to, nor did I get into the best law school I applied to. I didn’t get interviews at all of the firms that I wanted. But I never looked at those things as failures. I took them in stride and looked at what I got as the success that I had been expecting. And success just kept coming.

Then, suddenly, I became very afraid of failure. Continue reading »

The Song of the River

03 Wednesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Children, Mindfulness, Pensive Moments, Travel

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My daughter teaches me things every single day. Some days, though, the thing she teaches me is more inspiring and breathtaking than others. Over the weekend we were in Oregon, out in the woods, with my sister and nephew. We stayed at a hot springs campground on a beautiful river. Immediately upon arriving, she wanted to see the river. This is what happened the first time we walked up to see it:

We come upon the river. From afar it’s just noise, the rush of the river as a background behind everything else. it gets louder as we get closer, the bass roar seems to take over all other sounds. But then other notes come out. We hear tenor: the gurgle of the big rapids flowing over the rocks. Alto: the bubble of smaller rapids finding paths around small outcroppings of rock. Soprano: the high note of drops of water splashing into pools and eddies as the river flows past.

The river plays on our ears. It washes over rocks and plants and bare feet. It rushes past, in a hurry to get somewhere else. But it also dawdles, flowing into little pools and idling away the afternoon in puddles on the boulders that decorate the shore. The river is more than just water. It’s a marching band. It’s an orchestra.

It plays a melody, a catchy tune that you hear from afar. But it plays a harmony, too. It plays in major scales and minor. It plays an ever-changing symphony of music, while always returning to a theme. It’s not just rushing water. It’s beautiful.

I didn’t hear all of this right away, though. At first I just heard noise. Then my daughter opened my ears and my heart with one short sentence.

“Mama,” she said. “The river is singing.”

Right you are, little girl. Right you are.

Sunrise over the river

(I’ll have more pictures from the trip soon!)

Happily Attachment Parenting

18 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by in Baby, Children, Family, Gentle Parenting, Mindfulness, Parenting, Toddlers

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It’s that time again: another article meant to provoke a big response by attacking attachment parenting. Nicola Kraus recently wrote an article for the Huffington Post entitled, My Message to Dr. Sears: Why I Chose Detachment Parenting.

Nicola writes about Blossom “nursing her 25-year-old” in public (he’s actually only three), about her various friends who’ve gotten divorced as a direct result of co-sleeping with their kids (surely there were no other issues, right?), “parents who sometimes spontaneously burst into tears they are so sleep-deprived and miserable”, and a friend who, the implication is, has an unnatural affection for her son (do you think they’re still friends?).

I know I’m giving Nicola what she wants by writing this blog post (a link back to her article, more readers and more attention) but I just can’t help myself. I have a few things to say.

Nicola, you write that you “have yet to meet a parent of a child over 9 months old who isn’t in some kind of agony trying to undo the attachment crap.” So my question is: When can we meet? I’d like to prove you wrong. Continue reading »

The Sugar Complex

05 Wednesday Sep 2012

Posted by in Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Personal Growth

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No sugar. Day two.

You wake up and make a smoothie for breakfast. With banana, berries, and a bit of naturally-vanilla-flavored whey protein it’s actually pretty good. Things are going well. You threw away your bagels and bread, so you’re not too tempted.

Then you go into a Target or a grocery store or really any store that might have food. There are plenty of things to see, but your eyes seem to go right to the cookies. Maybe you never even noticed them before, but now they seem to be everywhere. Donuts, snack bars, candy, cookies, soda. It’s everywhere! You hurry past, pushing your cart ahead of you as though it’s a battering ram that will break through this wall of sugar.

As you shop you start to feel that small ache in your stomach. Hunger. Or at least that’s what you’ve been trained to believe. You add some nuts and some berries and a big bottle of water to your cart. You try to ignore the ache in your stomach. It’s hard, though, when candy and sugar are everywhere you turn. Even when you’re not in the food section, chocolate covered pretzels or bags of candy adorn the ends of the aisles. Broken away, for a moment, from the endless cycle of sugar, you begin to see what those conspiracy theorists are talking about.

Sugar – the ultimate drug. Legal, seemingly harmless, and so, so addictive. Taken first thing in the morning, it sets you up for a constant up/down/up/down cycle all day. The sugar hits your blood stream fast and makes you feel good. But it leaves almost as quickly. You crash and you have to have more. And why not have more? It’s everywhere! How can something so ubiquitous be bad?

Not only is it addictive… it’s highly profitable. Continue reading »

Now I feel like the worst mom ever

24 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by in Baby, Children, Mindfulness, Toddlers

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This morning I took Adeline into an urgent care because she has a diaper rash that hasn’t gone away. We waited for about an hour, saw the doctor, got a prescription and left. None of that seems too traumatic. Here’s the thing though: she’s had the diaper rash for about a month.

Gah. Just writing that makes me feel like the worst mom ever. Not to mention that everyone I told (the receptionist, the nurse, the doctor), the conversation went like this: Continue reading »

A Beautiful View

11 Wednesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Mindfulness, Photos, Travel

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“Is the view worth it?”

I stopped and looked at the man who had questioned me: an old Duke sweatshirt, khaki shorts, a regular backpack. His wife was similarly attired. I looked back at the mountain I had just summited and then at the man again.

I shrugged my shoulders and smiled. “It’s pretty beautiful.”

The man laughed and his wife sighed. “I sure do envy you coming back down.”

I smiled again and wished them luck; they went up, slowly, and I went down. I don’t think it was the response he was looking for, but I didn’t know what else to say. “The view” is not why I climb mountains.

Yesterday I did my first Colorado 14er, Mount Bierstadt, and I did it alone. Continue reading »

Stress Eating and Panic Attacks and Drinking, Oh My!

29 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by in Mindfulness, Travel

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Two weeks until Move-Out Day. We’ve found a place to live (Roscoe Village!) and gotten moving estimates, but we have yet to actually book movers. We’ve started packing and we have our plane tickets, but we still need health certificates for the cats and we have a ridiculous amount still left to pack. We’ve given away multiple carloads of clothes and towels and random odds and ends to Goodwill, but we still have a house so full of stuff that it will never fit in our new place. I could go on, but you get the point. Moving is hella stressful.

This week — when we were waiting to find out if we got the place, had multiple movers in the house doing estimates, had the carpet cleaners over, and were trying to figure out the logistics of getting us, our car, two dogs, and two cats back to the Midwest (thanks Mom and Dad!) — I had two near-panic attacks. I couldn’t stop my heart from racing, I couldn’t breathe, I felt like my skin was crawling… If I hadn’t experienced panic attacks before and known what was happening, I probably would have succumbed to the full brunt of it. Instead, I asked David to hug me and I cried in his arms. More than that, though, I’ve been using some novel coping mechanisms to deal with the stress.

In particular, I’ve found myself eating comfort food, drinking wine every night, and doing some therapeutic shopping. Awesome. I know these are pretty typical coping mechanisms, but they’re new to me. I think it’s because I’ve spent years leaving behind even more unhealthy coping mechanisms and I’ve finally succeeded. Which has left me vulnerable to the ease of eating one more chocolate chip cookie to make myself feel better.

On the other hand, maybe I’ve been doing it all along, but now I’m just more aware of it. Instead of mindlessly drinking, I think to myself, “You know what, I really need a glass of wine to calm down a bit and I’m just going to go ahead and do it.” It’s not as though I’m getting wasted every night, just a glass or two of wine.

And when I’m in the grocery store buying greens and salmon and organic peanut butter, I pass by the fresh-made cookies and say, “I deserve a cookie. This is really hard.” And I don’t eat an entire box of cookies, just one. Or maybe two.

photo credit: nytimes.com

And when I was in Target — the day after we got the offer in Chicago and the day before we went to Hawaii — and I passed by the swimsuit section and eyed a particularly cute blue bikini, my first instinct was to keep walking since I already had three swimsuits. And then I said, “F*ck it. I’m stressed and anxious and confused and I feel a bit miserable. I’m buying myself a $20 bikini because it just might make me feel better for 20 minutes.” And it DID.

I briefly considered calling my psychiatrist for an increase in my Zoloft, but then I figured, this will be over soon, and in the meantime, chocolate chip cookies and Sauvignon Blanc are doing a pretty good job.

What’s your favorite coping mechanism? Am I rationalizing or does this sound relatively ok?

A Meditation on Forgiveness

27 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Mindfulness, Mindfulness Exercises, Pensive Moments

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(This post is part of 30 Days of Truth: Something You Need To Forgive Someone For)

The anger goes away, after awhile. It’s replaced by a numbness, a little blank space that your mind naturally slips over any time it comes close to it. But like a phantom limb, you’re always aware that it’s there, at least subconsciously.That little place of anger or hurt or resentment takes up emotional energy, preventing you from feeling the full bounty of love and happiness and contentment that you could feel.

Now and then your mind isn’t as diligent as usual, and you let yourself think about the hurt. Your body reacts automatically, the animal nature coming through. Your heart starts to race, your breath comes faster: adrenaline is coursing through your veins against your will. If the hurt was especially bad, you might feel tears forming behind your eyes. Maybe they don’t manifest, but you feel that burning and swelling and you know what it means. You want to forgive, you want to forget. But how can you, when this emotional response is still there, after all these years?

Forgiveness is a complex beast. Continue reading »

Her Inner Voice

04 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Children, Gentle Parenting, Mindfulness, Parenting

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9:40. I’m running about 10 minutes late to my doctor’s appointment – not great, but not terrible either. Adeline is with me, which always makes everything take longer, so I’m being forgiving with myself. We park, hurry up the stairs and make our way to the office. I buzz the doctor and she comes out with a surprised look on her face. Right away I know something’s wrong.

“Sara. I had you down for a nine o’clock this morning.” She looks at her watch then back at me. I glance at the clock on the wall. 9:45. It’s verging on too late for a 9:30 appointment. It’s definitely too late for a 9:00 appointment. I look in my calendar and, indeed, the appointment is down as starting at 9:00. Somehow I just messed up.

I manage to keep it together while we sort out the details and reschedule. Adeline proudly shouts “Ba Bye!” as we walk out the door. The moment the door clicks shut behind us I feel it: the self-loathing and self-criticism start to rise up.

My first instinct is, always, to blame myself. “What an idiot I am! How could I have done something so stupid! We drove all the way over here for nothing – what a waste of time. I’m such a fuck-up!”

Normally this dialogue would be internal, but since having a baby I try to speak out loud as much as possible. (You know, that whole, “narrate your day to your baby” thing.) So I start to berate myself out loud, not only in front of Adeline, but to Adeline. I start to tell her what an idiot her mama is.

And then I stop myself. Continue reading »

Mindfulness Exercises: Endless Desires

23 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by in How to Train a Wild Elephant, Mindfulness, Mindfulness Exercises

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This exercise was to become aware of your desires as often as possible throughout the day.

I started this exercise right about the same time I started the elimination diet in preparation for my cleanse, and continued it throughout my cleanse. So I thought that most of my desires would be about food. And, certainly, some of them were. But once I began to notice my desires, I was overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of them.

Here are just a few of the things that I desired over the past two weeks, in no particular order:

  1. A bigger house with a nice backyard
  2. A condo in a big city
  3. Sleep
  4. To not have any dogs
  5. To have a big friendly, well-behaved dog
  6. A cookie
  7. Some cheese
  8. To get the carpet cleaned
  9. Another baby
  10. McDonalds (What?!?!)
  11. New clothes
  12. A maxi dress
  13. A new hat
  14. The motivation to write a novel
  15. A kitten
  16. Indian food
  17. More money
  18. Less money
  19. To pay off my student loans
  20. More readers on my blog
  21. To get the car cleaned
  22. A new swimsuit
  23. To get the house decorated
  24. More time with David
  25. To not have to go back to work
  26. Someone to wash the dishes for me
  27. To get clients for our photography business
  28. A chance to go paint on my own
  29. Gyoza
  30. To be able to sleep in
  31. To go sailing with my parents
  32. To go visit my sister
  33. To talk to a good friend
  34. A new dress for Addie
  35. To cuddle with my cats
  36. To get the backyard fixed up
  37. Strawberries
  38. For it to be warmer outside
  39. For it to be cooler outside
  40. A nap
  41. To go to India
  42. To climb another mountain

Desires bombarded me at every turn. They snuck up on me when I was thinking about something else. They demanded my attention when I was trying to relax. They redirected my focus to what was wrong with my life.

Now don’t get me wrong. Some desire is good. It makes us aware of things we need to change: desire for a warm coat when it’s cold outside helps us stay warm and well; desire for a new job when we’re miserable gives us the motivation to make a needed change; desire for food when we’re hungry keeps us fed; desire to change the world raises skyscrapers and helps the poor.

It’s when desire takes on a life of its own that it causes trouble. When it goes beyond the necessities and the good to the unattainable and the unhealthy. At that point, desire causes suffering.

And even more than that, take another look at my list. Look at how many conflicting desires I experienced. How can you possibly know your path when your desires are taking you through a maze full of dead-ends and wrong turns?

As always with mindfulness, awareness is the first step. Most of the desires I experienced were fleeting (especially the one for McDonalds – I really have no idea about that one). The desire arose, pushed its way to the front of my mind, and then faded away with time. Knowing that your desire, whether it’s for a snack or an expensive vacation, is just a passing emotion makes it that much easier to control. But so far, the awareness hasn’t made the desires any less frequent…

This week’s exercise is “Study Suffering: pay attention to the phenomenon of suffering.”