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Tag Archives: Mental health

In Search of Food

09 Tuesday Apr 2013

Posted by in Creative Writing, Uncategorized

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“Where’d ya put my food?”

Her voice is gravelly and hot, rising an octave at the end. She stares at both of us in turn. I shake my head slightly, unsure of what to say. Allison, the other volunteer, is more confident.

“I’m not sure what happened to it. Maybe you should ask Emily.”

“No. I told you two. I told you I was comin’ back for that food.” She steps further into the kitchen, her presence imposing. I can feel her panic as her chest rises and falls rapidly and her eyes get larger.

I stare down at the lettuce I’m prepping for the salad. Too old to sell in the supermarket, they’ve donated it. Its wilted, brown ends stick to my fingers as I try to find pieces worth serving. It’s my first volunteer shift and I’m not sure if we’re supposed to err on the side of getting as much food on the table as possible or on the side of respecting the women by not serving them food that most people wouldn’t eat.

“I’m not sure, ma’am, we’ve been in here the whole time.” Allison is still talking, thank god, and I feel pathetic for making her handle this.

The woman steps up to the counter now, just a couple feet from us.

“I told you!”

She slams her hands down on the counter and for a moment, I feel afraid. Most of these women are dealing with substance abuse and mental health problems, and I know that makes it hard to act reasonably. I will myself to look at her and smile slightly, infusing my face with understanding and empathy.

Just then, Emily comes in. She takes the woman aside and the incident seems to be over.

Allison and I look at each other and laugh nervously. “I remember they warned us about that in orientation,” I say, still embarrassed that I wasn’t more helpful. Allison nods.

I finish the salad and Allison starts cooking the burgers. Soon we’ll serve lunch to the 28 women who live here, trying to break the cycle of homelessness.

But before we do, the woman comes back in.

“I’m sorry,” she says. She looks us both in the eyes. “Sometimes I just get a little panicked. And I don’t like to waste food.”

We smile – big, cheery smiles – and assure her that it’s no problem.

And I marvel at the apology. I know how hard it is. I know how an apology can sit in your throat for days, making it hard to say anything else. I don’t care if Emily made her say it, I’m still impressed. This woman has lived god knows how much of her life not knowing when or how she would eat. Now that she has some food, she wants to keep it.

Suddenly I feel even more excited about my shifts here. I know these women will test me and push me. But now I see clearly that they will also inspire me.

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13 Strategies for Coping with a Two-Year-Old

20 Wednesday Mar 2013

Posted by in Children, Family, Gentle Parenting, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Motherhood, Parenting, Toddlers

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There’s something looming on the horizon that I’ve been trying not to think about. But it’s time to face the facts: today is Adeline’s last day of school until April 1. Next week is Spring Break. That means five days in a row of just me and Addie, home alone together.

You guys, that’s terrifying.

I mean, I love my daughter more than I could possibly express, but she has definitely entered the terrible twos. Normally she goes to school three days and Thursday and Friday it’s just us. Usually by Friday night I’m ready to stab my eyes out. Five days is going to be hard.

(I can’t even begin to say how amazed I am by moms who are home full time, all day, every day with a two year old. It’s really more than can be expected of any human.)

Four years ago I started doing DBT – Dialectical Behavior Therapy. (I know this seems unrelated, but stick with me.) Instead of endless psychotherapy analyzing how your parents fucked you up and how hard high school was and just why you decided to stop eating, it’s focused on skills. Each week there are lessons that teach a variety of different skills to help you learn how to effectively deal with acute distress, long-term emotional problems, and interpersonal relationships. It was probably one of the more amazing things that has ever happened to me.

Honestly, I think the world would be a better place if everyone had to do DBT. But in truth, it was designed for people with serious drug and alcohol addictions, with eating disorders, with other serious self-destructive behaviors or severe mental health issues.

It’s amazing how often I use my DBT skills to deal with the serious disorder of having a child, particularly a two-year-old.

So today, in preparation for the beginning of operation Spring Break, I’m brushing up on my DBT skills and making a list of coping strategies: Continue reading »

Why Mass Shooters Are All Men, and What We Can Do To Stop Them

15 Saturday Dec 2012

Posted by in Articles, Causes, Children, Family, Gentle Parenting, Parenting, Politics/Current Events

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“There have been at least 62 mass shootings in the US in the last 30 years, and 61 of them were committed by men.” (Mother Jones)

Today, we begin to take stock. Why did this happen? And what can we do to prevent it from happening again?

Why?

Like everything in life that matters, it’s more complicated than we can possibly imagine. And, at the end of the day, this one instance is probably unexplainable. But we can begin to look at patterns. If almost all mass shooters are men, let’s look at the lives of men in our country.

It begins at birth. Studies show that parents of newborn boys are less likely to go to them immediately when they start crying or to give them affection. This is ironic, because newborn boys are more vulnerable and actually need more care than newborn girls. As baby boys grow, parents are more likely to tell them to “suck it up” or “be a big boy” or “be tough” when they cry, get hurt, or are just frustrated about their relative helplessness. Boys learn that needing help is unacceptable, that showing their emotions makes them less of a man, and that the appropriate way to deal with problems is to hide it all inside. When they inevitably face emotional problems later (because emotional problems are simply part of life) they will have no learned ways of dealing with those problems. (Pink Brain, Blue Brain)

As soon as they start watching videos, children are exposed to violence, even if only in small amounts. Why does this effect boys differently from girls? Because most of the violent characters are boys and boys begin to identity with that. Even in Cars, a relatively harmless movie for young children, there’s a scene where the main character – a boy – is shooting up a field of victims. It starts early, and it only gets worse from there.

As young as eight (or maybe even younger for all I know) boys start playing first-person shooter games. These are not the games of our youth, where we shot ducks or tiny, pixelated monsters. These young boys are shooting people, incredibly realistic-looking people. And they’re often talking to others while they do it, shit-talking to the other guys as they hunt them down and kill them. All the while, inuring themselves to violence and fooling their mind into believing they’re capable of killing people. (Most people, even most soldiers, aren’t actually able to shoot another person when push comes to shove. But practice makes perfect, and realistic simulations (like video games) are even used by the army to help soldiers learn how to kill the enemy. (Live Science)) Continue reading »

A Two-Year-Old’s Thoughts on Body Image

19 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by in Children, Healthy Living, Parenting

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If you follow Humans of New York (and even if you don’t) you’ve probably seen this. Stella, a young woman who has struggled with weight and been bullied for it all of her life, recently posted a picture of herself in bra and underwear on her tumblr, declaring, “THIS IS MY BODY, DEAL WITH IT”.

She then ran into Brandon from HONY, who did a portrait of her. She told him about her photo on tumblr and he posted it to the HONY Facebook page. As of this writing, it has 316,327 likes, 12,344 shares, and 32,471 comments. Many of them are positive, but, unsurprisingly given the trolls who command the internet, many of them are negative. The poor woman has been through a lot in the last 24 hours.

I don’t want to add to that burden. But I am going to post the picture here because I think it really helps to make the point I’m about to make, and because I know all of you are kind and wonderful people who will say nothing negative about her. Continue reading »

Didn’t you get the memo?

06 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Baby, Gentle Parenting, Toddlers

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Adeline and I are laying on my bed, playing her all-time favorite game: hide and seek. She hides under the blanket and I have to find her. I tickle her when I find her and she squeals with delight. I pull up her shirt and give her a raspberry and she laughs uncontrollably. When she gathers herself, she shouts “Again!” and we just keep going. Hiding, tickling, raspberrying and just having the time of our lives. This is it. This is one of those moments of exhilaration that make everything worth it.

And then I feel something I haven’t felt in awhile: let-down. And a small drop of breastmilk leaking through my shirt. Continue reading »

Stress Eating and Panic Attacks and Drinking, Oh My!

29 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by in Mindfulness, Travel

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Two weeks until Move-Out Day. We’ve found a place to live (Roscoe Village!) and gotten moving estimates, but we have yet to actually book movers. We’ve started packing and we have our plane tickets, but we still need health certificates for the cats and we have a ridiculous amount still left to pack. We’ve given away multiple carloads of clothes and towels and random odds and ends to Goodwill, but we still have a house so full of stuff that it will never fit in our new place. I could go on, but you get the point. Moving is hella stressful.

This week — when we were waiting to find out if we got the place, had multiple movers in the house doing estimates, had the carpet cleaners over, and were trying to figure out the logistics of getting us, our car, two dogs, and two cats back to the Midwest (thanks Mom and Dad!) — I had two near-panic attacks. I couldn’t stop my heart from racing, I couldn’t breathe, I felt like my skin was crawling… If I hadn’t experienced panic attacks before and known what was happening, I probably would have succumbed to the full brunt of it. Instead, I asked David to hug me and I cried in his arms. More than that, though, I’ve been using some novel coping mechanisms to deal with the stress.

In particular, I’ve found myself eating comfort food, drinking wine every night, and doing some therapeutic shopping. Awesome. I know these are pretty typical coping mechanisms, but they’re new to me. I think it’s because I’ve spent years leaving behind even more unhealthy coping mechanisms and I’ve finally succeeded. Which has left me vulnerable to the ease of eating one more chocolate chip cookie to make myself feel better.

On the other hand, maybe I’ve been doing it all along, but now I’m just more aware of it. Instead of mindlessly drinking, I think to myself, “You know what, I really need a glass of wine to calm down a bit and I’m just going to go ahead and do it.” It’s not as though I’m getting wasted every night, just a glass or two of wine.

And when I’m in the grocery store buying greens and salmon and organic peanut butter, I pass by the fresh-made cookies and say, “I deserve a cookie. This is really hard.” And I don’t eat an entire box of cookies, just one. Or maybe two.

photo credit: nytimes.com

And when I was in Target — the day after we got the offer in Chicago and the day before we went to Hawaii — and I passed by the swimsuit section and eyed a particularly cute blue bikini, my first instinct was to keep walking since I already had three swimsuits. And then I said, “F*ck it. I’m stressed and anxious and confused and I feel a bit miserable. I’m buying myself a $20 bikini because it just might make me feel better for 20 minutes.” And it DID.

I briefly considered calling my psychiatrist for an increase in my Zoloft, but then I figured, this will be over soon, and in the meantime, chocolate chip cookies and Sauvignon Blanc are doing a pretty good job.

What’s your favorite coping mechanism? Am I rationalizing or does this sound relatively ok?

A Meditation on Forgiveness

27 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Mindfulness, Mindfulness Exercises, Pensive Moments

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(This post is part of 30 Days of Truth: Something You Need To Forgive Someone For)

The anger goes away, after awhile. It’s replaced by a numbness, a little blank space that your mind naturally slips over any time it comes close to it. But like a phantom limb, you’re always aware that it’s there, at least subconsciously.That little place of anger or hurt or resentment takes up emotional energy, preventing you from feeling the full bounty of love and happiness and contentment that you could feel.

Now and then your mind isn’t as diligent as usual, and you let yourself think about the hurt. Your body reacts automatically, the animal nature coming through. Your heart starts to race, your breath comes faster: adrenaline is coursing through your veins against your will. If the hurt was especially bad, you might feel tears forming behind your eyes. Maybe they don’t manifest, but you feel that burning and swelling and you know what it means. You want to forgive, you want to forget. But how can you, when this emotional response is still there, after all these years?

Forgiveness is a complex beast. Continue reading »

Let’s do what everyone else is doing

20 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Children, Family, Gentle Parenting, Parenting

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Adeline and I are at the children’s garden at the Botanic Gardens, the sun breaking through the clouds and heating up what was a cool day. We’re stuck at the beginning of the garden; Addie is in love with the shaky bridges and we haven’t moved past them. Back and forth and back and forth, we run across the bridges. She shouts with joy as she makes it over each bridge and laughs her hilarious laugh every time she hits that first shake. It’s a beautiful thing to watch.

But it’s getting hot in the sun and I’m getting bored. I know there’s a stream further in that she would love and that would help us both cool down. I ask her if she wants to go but she just shakes her head and keeps running across the bridges. I ask a few more times and I just gets shouts of “No!”  A couple minutes later a big group of kids runs by heading into the garden. Adeline loves older kids, so she pauses to watch them. I take my chance.

“Look sweetie, everyone else is going into the garden. Should we go see what they’re doing? Come on, let’s follow them!”

She considers for a moment, looking at me and back at the kids. Then she shoots me her best smile and shakes her head no, turns on her heel and runs back across the bridges. And in that moment, I realize: why am I trying to get my daughter to stop doing something she loves by convincing her that doing what everyone else is doing would be better? Continue reading »

Poetry: A Wild Animal

24 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Creative Writing, Writing

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(This post is part of the weekly creative writing challenge on Trifecta. The prompt was “Wild”. This is my first time participating in Trifecta, and this is what came from that prompt. I’ve written about my depression before, but I’ve never talked about this aspect of it. I don’t know if this is too much, but this is what I wrote.)

I was attacked by a wild animal.
 
Sharp claws; bright red blood on pale skin.                                                         
Left for dead.
It’s fangs pierced me, poisoned my mind.
I started to see things that weren’t there, believe things that weren’t true.
I was helpless, hopeless, alone.
 
Cold floor, hot skin, shaking hands.
My mind is racing, racing, racing.
My skin is crawling. I can’t slow down.
I can’t breathe.
The walls shake and shimmer, leave me questioning my sanity.
I’m losing my grip on reality.
Heart flutters, breath catches, I’m trapped in this body.
I can’t escape.
I’m not here. This isn’t real. This can’t be life.
I float away. I’ll be lost soon.
Flashing, spinning, dizzy, angry, scared, numb, alone.
I have to make it stop.
 
I crawl to the drawer, bare knees on white tile, slipping slowly sliding.
Run my hands along the edge, find the hidden packet. Finger tips on soft cloth.
Slowly, carefully, I unfold it. Sharp metal. My old friend.
I’ll be at peace soon.
 
Skin parts like butter. Lip stain on porcelain.
Breath comes. Eyes close. Heart slows.
Back in my body. Back in reality.
But for how long?
 
The scars are faded now. Pearly white. Some not as white as others.
And the animal is caged now. Held down. I see it’s eyes glint in the dark sometimes, and I feel the old panic start to rise.
It’s crouched low, ready to spring. If I open that door for just one second, I’m lost.
I stare it down. Tell it, and myself, that I’m in control now.
But it’s there. Always there. It knows and I know.
 
I was attacked by a wild animal.

Mindfulness Exercises: Endless Desires

23 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by in How to Train a Wild Elephant, Mindfulness, Mindfulness Exercises

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This exercise was to become aware of your desires as often as possible throughout the day.

I started this exercise right about the same time I started the elimination diet in preparation for my cleanse, and continued it throughout my cleanse. So I thought that most of my desires would be about food. And, certainly, some of them were. But once I began to notice my desires, I was overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of them.

Here are just a few of the things that I desired over the past two weeks, in no particular order:

  1. A bigger house with a nice backyard
  2. A condo in a big city
  3. Sleep
  4. To not have any dogs
  5. To have a big friendly, well-behaved dog
  6. A cookie
  7. Some cheese
  8. To get the carpet cleaned
  9. Another baby
  10. McDonalds (What?!?!)
  11. New clothes
  12. A maxi dress
  13. A new hat
  14. The motivation to write a novel
  15. A kitten
  16. Indian food
  17. More money
  18. Less money
  19. To pay off my student loans
  20. More readers on my blog
  21. To get the car cleaned
  22. A new swimsuit
  23. To get the house decorated
  24. More time with David
  25. To not have to go back to work
  26. Someone to wash the dishes for me
  27. To get clients for our photography business
  28. A chance to go paint on my own
  29. Gyoza
  30. To be able to sleep in
  31. To go sailing with my parents
  32. To go visit my sister
  33. To talk to a good friend
  34. A new dress for Addie
  35. To cuddle with my cats
  36. To get the backyard fixed up
  37. Strawberries
  38. For it to be warmer outside
  39. For it to be cooler outside
  40. A nap
  41. To go to India
  42. To climb another mountain

Desires bombarded me at every turn. They snuck up on me when I was thinking about something else. They demanded my attention when I was trying to relax. They redirected my focus to what was wrong with my life.

Now don’t get me wrong. Some desire is good. It makes us aware of things we need to change: desire for a warm coat when it’s cold outside helps us stay warm and well; desire for a new job when we’re miserable gives us the motivation to make a needed change; desire for food when we’re hungry keeps us fed; desire to change the world raises skyscrapers and helps the poor.

It’s when desire takes on a life of its own that it causes trouble. When it goes beyond the necessities and the good to the unattainable and the unhealthy. At that point, desire causes suffering.

And even more than that, take another look at my list. Look at how many conflicting desires I experienced. How can you possibly know your path when your desires are taking you through a maze full of dead-ends and wrong turns?

As always with mindfulness, awareness is the first step. Most of the desires I experienced were fleeting (especially the one for McDonalds – I really have no idea about that one). The desire arose, pushed its way to the front of my mind, and then faded away with time. Knowing that your desire, whether it’s for a snack or an expensive vacation, is just a passing emotion makes it that much easier to control. But so far, the awareness hasn’t made the desires any less frequent…

This week’s exercise is “Study Suffering: pay attention to the phenomenon of suffering.”

Mindfulness Exercises: Empty Space

24 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by in How to Train a Wild Elephant, Mindfulness, Mindfulness Exercises, Photos

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This exercise was to focus on the empty space around objects, rather than looking at the objects themselves. I really loved this exercise. Noticing the empty space was intriguing – it made me feel that I was seeing something I’d never noticed before. The objects themselves became brighter, more vivid and more definite when I looked at the space around them. Everything seemed to have it’s place and a purpose.

At the same time, looking at the empty space made me feel more connected with everything. Paying attention to the space gave it substance. Because, in fact, it’s not empty: it is as full of molecules and atoms as the “objects” that we pay attention to everyday. It is the air that we breathe in. It sustains us. And between me and the tree five feet away from me there is not one bit of empty space. I am connected to the tree by an unbroken expanse of air, dancing with oxygen, carbon, pollen, dust, and a thousand other things. I breathe it in and breathe it out, and so does the tree, in its own way. How beautiful.

In the book, Jan also encourages us to use this exercise to consider the empty spaces in our minds. Over the past couple weeks I tried to notice when my mind naturally became quiet. Not when I was intentionally practicing mindfulness, but when my mind settled on it’s own. When I was sitting at a stoplight and the thoughts shut down; when I was watching Adeline play and I stayed in the moment easily and instinctively. Of course, the act of noticing started the thoughts again. But I tried to stay with it.

Sometimes, especially when just starting a mindfulness practice, it can seem impossible to stop the thoughts. It can feel like the mind is packed full to the brim with ideas, emotions, memories and plans. It can be overwhelming. This exercise allows you to find the quiet, empty space at your own pace. And when you see that it does actually exist, it can be easier to find when you seek it out mindfully.

This week’s exercise is: “One Bite at a Time.” Whenever you’re eating, take a bite, then put down the spoon or fork and become fully aware of that bite. Only take another bite when the first bite is finished.

And to close, here are some photos of empty space that I took last week. Continue reading »

How the Media Makes Us Hate Ourselves, And Other Adventures in Feminism

16 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by in Causes, Children, Gentle Parenting, Parenting, Politics/Current Events, Toddlers

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  • American teenagers spend 31 hours a week watching TV, 17 hours a week listening to music, 3 hours a week watching movies, 4 hours a week reading magazines, 10 hours a week online. That’s 10 hours and 45 minutes of media consumption a day.
  • Women hold only 3% of clout positions in the mainstream media.
  • 53% of 13 year old girls are unhappy with their bodies. That number increases to 78% by age 17.
  • The number of cosmetic surgical procedures performed on youth 18 or younger more than tripled from 1997 to 2007.
  • 65% of American women and girls report disordered eating behaviors.
  • 25% of women are abused by a partner during their lifetime in the U.S.
  • 15% of rape survivors are under the age of 12.
  • Rates of depression among women and young girls have doubled in the past ten years.
  • The United States is 90th in the world in terms of women in national legislatures.
  • Women are merely 3% of Fortune 500 CEOs.

As stats like these (and many more) flashed across the screen, I sometimes had to fight back tears.  Looking around the room, I saw the same dismayed expressions on the faces of my friends that I’m sure they saw on mine. I had gathered together a group of ten women to watch Miss Representation, a documentary about how the media misrepresents women and how that damages everyone. It was a wonderful night, full of friendship, wine, great conversations and many laughs. But it was, also, a very depressing night. Continue reading »

30 Days of Truth: Day One (Something you hate about yourself)

10 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by in Mindfulness, Pensive Moments, Uncategorized

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Well this should be easy! I hate that I pick the skin around my nails. I hate that I bite my lips. I hate that I sometimes can’t manage to respond to emails. I hate that I drink soda and can’t make myself stop. I hate when I make stupid mistakes or misspeak. I hate that I procrastinate. I hate that I give Addie snacks to keep her calm in the car. I hate that I sometimes lose my patience when she’s whining and I yell at her. I hate that I don’t know what to do with my life. I hate that I went to law school and incurred hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. I hate…

And that’s when I stop myself and realize the truth. The most important thing that I hate about myself: I hate that I’m so self-critical.

And the worst part is, I know I’m not alone here.  Why do we do this to ourselves? Continue reading »

Mindfulness Exercises: Bottoms of the Feet

09 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by in How to Train a Wild Elephant, Mindfulness, Mindfulness Exercises

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A Flashback:

Adeline is about four months old and her sleeping is the worst it’s ever been.  She wakes up every twenty minutes for hours. A long stretch is forty-five minutes. We don’t sleep.  Ever.

My anger is intense. Running on so little sleep has turned me into someone I don’t even recognize. I find a mindfulness-based suggestion for dealing with anger: bring your attention to the bottoms of your feet.  One night at a particularly bad moment with Adeline, I try it. It doesn’t work. If anything, it makes me more angry because it doesn’t work.  I’m lost.

Fast-Forward:

My current mindfulness exercise from How to Train a Wild Elephant is to bring my attention to the bottoms of my feet throughout the day, especially when anxious or angry.

Given my previous experience with this exercise, I was skeptical. I started by just bringing my attention to the bottoms of my feet at random times throughout the day. I noticed that, even with my thick-soled hiking boots on, I could feel small difference in ground cover as we hiked in a nature preserve. I felt rocks through my shoes, of course, but I also felt the difference between walking on soft sand and a bit of grass growing over the sand. I felt the difference between concrete and a wooden bridge. I felt a crack in the sidewalk and a patch of loosened soil. All of this was through good-quality boots. Boots that, when I’m not being mindful, seem to absorb and protect my feet from all sensations caused by differences in terrain.

I also did the exercise around the house. I found that I simply cannot walk around barefoot anymore.  I already knew this (it started as soon as I had Adeline – my feet went to hell), but by paying more mindful attention to it I saw just how serious it is. I seem to feel the bones of my feet hitting the hardwood floor each time I step. I have to wear shoes or slippers at all times. Are these old-person feet I suddenly have?

I digress.  Back to mindfulness.  I wanted to try this exercise when irritated or angry.  Honestly, my anger is so much more in control these days that it didn’t come up very often.  I used it more for impatience: when Addie was taking five minutes to decide to put her shoes on, I sat on the floor of her room and felt the pile of the carpet against my feet. It helped to ground me.  It kept me from starting the cycle of thoughts, emotions, physical reactions, thoughts, etc that would make a small bit of impatience turn into anxiety.

I can’t tell you that it will solve your anger problems.  But if you can use it before irritation turns to anger (or anxiety) it might help a bit.

The next exercise is: “Empty Space: shift your awareness from objects to the space around the objects.”

Celebrating the renewal of life

19 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by in Art, Crafts, Mindfulness, Pensive Moments, Photos

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We drive out past Boulder, into the country.  Up a winding road and suddenly we’re in the mountains.  A few minutes later, we turn in a gravel drive and climb: up, up, up. A gorgeous log-cabin style house comes into view and we find a parking space among the many other cars.  I gather my things and follow my friends into the house. I’m nervous.

My friend Margaret has invited me to join her and her group of friends for a celebration of the spring equinox.  A gathering of women where we will renew ourselves and create a vision for our future.  I’m so excited to be included, but I don’t know these women and I’m afraid I’ll feel like an outsider.

We enter the house and see a kitchen full of women: cooking, snacking, laughing, smiling.  Margaret introduces me and instead of polite smiles I get hugs.  Every single woman comes up to me and hugs me and looks me in the eye and learns my name.  I’m not a huge fan of hugs, but I’ve been coming around to it lately and I love this. Continue reading »